


I'll Just Let You Fall

by llmarmalade



Series: I'll Just Let You Fall [1]
Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Canon, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gen, No Love Triangle, Slow Burn, The Everdeens and Hawthornes are cousins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2018-12-31 19:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 57,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12139464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llmarmalade/pseuds/llmarmalade
Summary: In a world where Katniss and the Hawthorne family are actually cousins, she has to make the decision. Who does she protect? Stuck in an arena unsure who she can trust she is forced to make an alliance with her district partner Peeta Mellark. But is he the same boy who threw her the bread? And what are the consequences of saving him? Everlark/ eventual Gadge





	1. The Reaping

**Author's Note:**

> I was reading on Tumblr about how many people speculate that Susanne Collin's original draft may not have had a love triangle and that Gale and the Hawthornes might have been Katniss's cousins. It actually implied in canon that Gale and Katniss are very distantly related. I began to wonder how things would have changed if the story was more about family and community rather than romantic love. Obviously probably not as exciting as a love triangle but far more interesting to me. I also think that the themes of war and human rights can be discussed more sanely without ship wars. The Gadge portion is added as my personal weakness but it won't appear much in the Hunger Games portion of the story since Katniss is narrating and is far away in the Arena.  
> I really hated the love triangle thing since it always pulled me out of the story. It felt forced and contrived especially as it dragged into Catching Fire and Mockingjay. I understood how Collins tried to put the theme of just and unjust war into the triangle but it never seemed to be executed successfully. It became a constant shipper war with people making judgments based on that. I also didn't like how it seemed as if Katniss had to pick one boy or the other. I would have loved to see more development of District 12, individual characters like Prim and more of the war theme. And I have a real weakness for family drama and discussions of war, human rights, and freedom. The love story portion will take a back seat though it is still quite important.

The bed was cold when I woke up. Prim had already crawled in with my mother as I awoke early that morning. It was the most important morning of my life. I knew it could be important for it was Reaping day. I carefully stood up and braided my hair in its customary long braid down my back and put my hunting boots on before reluctantly allowing the cat to come in. Buttercup was not my cat, I despised the ugly creature, but Prim adored him and he was good at catching rats. I had once tried to drown him so he hated me even after all those years.  
  
The sun was just rising as I slipped under the fence and headed towards my usual hunting grounds. The fence was designed to keep wild animals out but it was more about keeping us in. District 12 security was not high on the list of Capitol priorities so we were largely forgotten. District 12 was the District in which you could starve in safety. I had once been a rebellious child who made no secret of my disdain for the Capitol and the government. But I quickly learned how dangerous my words were. I learned to be silent, to keep my head down and do what I was told.  
  
I sat down to wait for Gale at the usual meeting place on a rock ledge overlooking the valley. He was my cousin and only two years older than me. We had always been particularly close at least since our families started speaking to each other again. After my father died in a mining accident that took Gale’s father as well our family was in desperate straits. I was only eleven years old but already I was expected to somehow keep my family from starving to death.  
  
My mother was useless. She sat there cold and unmoving as I screamed and cried to get her to do something. To prevent us from dying. Someone helped me and that gave me the courage to begin hunting on my own. I had gone with my father but now it was up to me. I met Gale in the woods a few months later. We knew we were cousins but had little to do with each other before that. Partly it was due to the family coldness but it was also because he was a boy who thought girls were “stupid” and “silly”.  
  
He soon learned I wasn't like most girls. I didn't have time to worry about pointless things like my appearance, romance or friends. I had to keep Prim fed and clothed and my mother together. We worked together seamlessly. At first, I was cold and standoffish remembering how his family hadn't been there for my family during those terrible days. It had been a stranger, my own age that had saved us.  
  
My mother had been a Merchant but my father had been Seam through and through. He had met the Apothecary’s daughter when he sold herbs to the shop and apparently they had fallen in love and ran off against the approval of both their families. Her family had cut her off and his father had nearly done so. It was hard for me to forgive Gale’s family for all but abandoning us. True enough those had been desperate days for his family too with his mother pregnant and all those siblings to take care of. So I didn’t really hold it against them too much.  
  
Once we started hunting we gradually developed a friendship. Over hesitant sharing of our secrets, me with a bow and him with snares, we slowly became friends. Now he seemed more like an older brother with his annoying habit of tugging on my braid, trying to tell me what to do and calling me Catnip. I thought about the possibility of his being Reaped and winced. My stomach tangled itself in knots. It was a real possibility since he had taken out a lot of tesserae. What would we do? His family would be left without a provider. His mother made some money washing clothes but it wouldn’t make up for the hunting or the mines.  
  
“Look what I shot.” I heard his voice long before I heard him approach. Gale had the lightest tread just like me but it was a surprise for him considering how tall and strong he was. It must be an Everdeen thing. His mother was the one that taught him to hunt.  
  
“Shut up, Gale.” I rolled my eyes as I saw him pull an arrow out of a loaf of bread. In spite of myself, I smiled. The only people I really smiled with were my family. Gale said I only smiled truly in the woods. It was fine bread, toasting bread really, but it deserved better treatment than to be thrust through with an arrow.  
  
"The baker must be feeling generous today," Gale commented as I pulled out the fine goat cheese my sister made from her goat Lady's milk. We spread it on the still warm slices of bread and ate berries from the bush behind us. It was a real feast.  
  
“Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds…” He tossed me a berry, which I caught in my mouth. “Be ever in your favor.” I finish in my best Effie Trinket impersonation. She’s the woman from the Capitol that draws the names from the Reaping bowl. The woman that decides who lives and who dies.  
  
“How’s Prim?” he asked after awhile. It was to be her first Reaping. It wasn’t as if there was any likelihood of her being reaped. She only had one slip out of the thousands in the bowl.  
  
"She's worried. But I keep telling her it's not going to happen. I think she's more worried about me." I replied knowing that whatever the odds are for her they are definitely not in my favor.  
  
“Rory’s first Reaping he was so scared he couldn’t stop throwing up. But she’ll be ok.”  
  
“ How many do you have?” I asked dolefully.  
  
“42. How about you?”  
  
"20. I guess the odds aren't much in our favor." I refused to think about us being Reaped together. The mere thought of it was terrible. We both had family and we both needed to be there for them. Since District 12 hadn't had a Victor since Haymitch Abernathy twenty-four years ago it was likely that both of our families would be left without a provider. I didn't think there could be anything more dangerous. We had always looked more like brother and sister than cousins. It was hard to imagine that Prim with her fair skin and blonde hair and blue eyes was related to both of us. We looked like the Seam with our think dark hair, olive skin, and gray eyes.  
  
I looked out to the valley, which stretched out before us as far as the eye could see. The sun was warm and bright upon the wildflowers and grasses that grew abundantly about us. I knew the life that lingered in the greens and roots to dig up and use for food and medicine and the fish that swam in the river. It looked like Paradise, a place my father had described as perfect in his stories he used to tell me. But I didn’t believe in Paradise. But I could enjoy a day like this and the food we had. The berries sweet tang, the cheese melting a little into the fine bread and the company of someone I could trust. The only flaw was that it was Reaping day. And we had to be in the square at two.  
  
“We should take off. Live in the woods. We can do it you know.”  
  
"Not with all those kids," I replied. I thought of little Posy and Prim living all alone in the woods. I thought of my mother trying to heal all of us in the woods.  
  
"It's better than here. Just think of it. No reapings, working in the mines, no Peacekeepers, and no Capitol." His voice rose in enthusiasm.  
  
"Yeah, and what would we do when one of them got sick. And what would happen when the Peacekeepers got suspicious." Even as I listed my practical reasons for staying behind I couldn't suppress the surge of excitement that passed through me. I wanted freedom more than I wanted anything except Prim's welfare.  
  
“I guess. But think about won’t you?”  
  
“Besides, what would you do? I bet you couldn’t find a wife in the woods. And there aren’t very many women you could convince to move out here.” I knew his reputation with girls and knew he could pick any of the Seam girls and maybe some of the Merchants. I hoped that I would approve of the girl he eventually married. There would be nothing worse than some shrew of a wife interfering and breaking up the family.  
  
“ I don’t know. There’s freedom here. Most people want that.”  
  
“I’m not getting married. Or having children. Or falling in love. Not ever.” I replied firmly. I knew what happened to kids in District 12. I knew what happened when you fell in love. You ended up like my mother not able to cope with the loss of your lover.  
  
"You'll change your mind. Someday you'll come crying about some boy you like."  
  
I rolled my eyes at his superior tone. I wouldn't come crying about some boy. Besides, I avoided boys. I think they thought I was terrifying and ugly anyway. I was sixteen and I hadn't had a single boy ask me to go to the Harvest Festival or any of the other District 12 social events. Not that I cared. I would have refused anyway.  
  
“Why don’t we fish at the lake? Then gather something. We can have a nice supper.” I nodded but mentally hoped that we aren’t the ones that are sent to the Capitol and our families left to try to figure out how to make it through.  
  
We have a dozen fish, a heap of greens and a pail of strawberries. We manage to trade half the fish for bread and salt and some of the greens for paraffin from Greasy Sae.  
  
“I guess we should head for the Undersees.” Gale lifted the pail of strawberries and I dusted off my hands before picking up my bow and heading out to the fence. Madge Undersee, the mayor’s daughter, was an acquaintance of mine. I didn't think we were friends but we ate lunch every day together at school. She was one of the quietest girls in District 12.  
  
I wasn’t stupid. I saw how she looked at Gale when he wasn’t looking. She got this funny look on her face but when she talked she always sounded annoyed. He was the only person who made her angry. And I had to admit he was pretty mean to her. If it was as Prim said some sort of crush I thought it was a weird way to go about it. And besides, it wasn't going to work. She was the Mayor's daughter and wouldn't last five minutes in the Seam. Madge needed to stay away.  
  
“Pretty dress.” Gale handed her the pail which she carefully transferred half the contents to a large bowl. She then handed him the money.  
  
Madge glanced at me as if trying to see if I thought he was being sincere. At my shrug, she glanced back up at him and noticed the sneer on his face. Her face hardened again and she said shortly, "Well I want to look nice if I go to the Capitol."  
  
“You don’t need to worry. How many slips do you have? Five? I had that many when I was twelve.”  
  
I wished Madge hadn’t brought up the Capitol. If there was anything that set Gale off it was the Capitol and the unfair way that the District 12 society was divided. Then again Gale was being pretty mean. Occasionally Merchants were reaped and they usually died quickly. The Reaping system was unfair and almost always affected the poorest and most vulnerable. By taking out tesserae you made your own death more likely even while preventing your family from starving to death. Gale ranted about the system constantly but he had figured out that his anger against Merchants was partly misdirected. The only real winners were the Capitol. I always found his rages pointless. It didn't actually do any good. But it was better for him to blow off steam in the woods than making some remark where it could be overheard.  
  
“Good luck, Katniss.” Madge glared at Gale for a moment before smiling at me and disappearing into her house with a sharp of her door. I glanced at Gale for a moment and noticed that he was staring at the closed door. Hmm… that was interesting. Girls never flustered him.  
  
I went home and found Mother and Prim up and getting ready. Prim still looked scared and I pressed a kiss to the top of her head before I went inside. She smiled up at me and I smiled back.  
  
My mother had set out a bath for me and I scrubbed myself in the warm water. It was hard to draw water and heat it laboriously on the stove. But the water smelled like lavender that I had picked in the woods and she added to medicines and creams to cover the taste and scent. I dressed in her old Merchant days dress. It was blue and plain but looked absolutely magical to me when I was a kid looking through her clothes. It actually nearly fit me where it had hung on me before. Prim was wearing a blouse and skirt and I noticed the ends of the blouse were sticking out.  
  
“Tuck your tail in, Little Duck.” I tucked the offending ends in and smoothed the fabric down.  
  
“Quack, Quack.” She replied with a little grin. I had already explained to her that the odds were against her being picked. She had such small odds.  
  
We would have the fish for dinner with some leftover bread and greens. There were some berries left as well. But we would have the tesserae bread, which was coarse and dry, and goat’s milk for lunch. We would have a good meal for supper for a change. That was of course if neither Prim nor I was reaped. I refused to consider that.  
  
We made our way to the Square and I fell into the line with the other sixteen-year-olds. Madge joined me and smiled at me wanly. I could see she looked worried. I wondered whom she was worried about. I felt them prick my finger and wave me towards the holding pen.  
  
Effie Trinket stood on stage with Mayor Undersee. When the Mayor began to address the crowd as to the meaning of the games and about the Treaty of Treason that the Districts had been forced to sign after the Dark Days my mind wandered. I had heard it every year for my whole life. The main point was to remind us how helpless we were. How little we could do to save our children and ourselves. To remind the tributes that only one could survive. Haymitch ambled on stage drunk as anything and tries to hug Effie, which causes her, and Mayor Undersee to look upset. It makes District 12 look terrible.  
  
Effie dug her long talon-like fingers into the bowl and said brightly "Ladies first." I felt my stomach knot and whispered to myself, “Not me, please.”  
  
But the name on the slip wasn’t mine. It was Prim.  
  
I started to fall with the shock. How could this happen? Prim being reaped out of the thousands of slips. I saw her walk towards the stage with wide eyes and pale face and that endearing duck tail that reminded me of what I needed to do.  
  
I ran towards her while the crowd parted before me and I push her behind me screaming her name.  
  
“I volunteer.” I gasped out. “I volunteer as tribute.”  
  
Prim was protesting and screaming but I told her to let go harshly. I couldn’t afford to start crying. The reapings were televised and every facial expression was being studied by my opponents. I saw Gale come and grab her from me and say in a tone that was unsteady with suppressed emotion, “Up you go, Catnip.”  
  
Effie seemed more happy with the fact that District 12 just got a volunteer for the first time in forever than in anything else. She asked my name and then said something insensitive about my not wanting to have her steal my glory. She then tells the crowd to applaud me. The crowd refuses to obey. The people of District 12, even the hardened ones, stand silent and dissenting. They were telling the Capitol they were wrong. Then something extraordinary happened. They lifted the middle fingers of their left hand to their lips and then hold out their hands towards me. It was a gesture of thanks and goodbye.  
  
I nearly cried but Haymitch created a distraction by throwing an arm around my shoulders and shouting to no one in particular, "Look at her. I like her. Lots of….spunk. More than you! He staggered towards the front of the stage and said again “More than you!” He then fell off the stage and knocked himself out. But the distraction was enough to allow me to calm myself. I stare out to the mountains I climbed with Gale that morning. For the first time, I wished that we had run away. Dragging Prim away so she couldn't be reaped. Haymitch was taken away and Effie looked alarmed at the distraction.  
  
She moved toward the other bowl and fished about with one hand while holding her wig in the other. I didn’t even have time to worry about Gale or Rory before she reads the name. “Peeta Mellark.”  
  
Peeta Mellark. Oh no. Not him. I recognized the name even though I hadn't ever spoken to him. I watched him come towards me. He was medium height, stocky and with ashy blond hair that fell into his face. I could see the shock on his face but also the attempts to remain expressionless. But I recognized the alarm like I saw in prey. I also noticed there were no volunteers not even the one brother still able to do so. That was standard behavior in most districts. I was radical.  
  
I continued to wonder why it should be him. It wasn’t as if we were friends, neighbors or relatives. But I couldn’t forget our first interaction many years before. It was right after my father’s death in January on a bitterly cold day. I would cry out in sobs calling for my father who never answered. We were out of money, my mother was useless and we were slowly starving to death. I knew I couldn’t let anyone know what was happening or we would be put in the community house. I only needed to hold out till I could sign up for tesserae. I went to town to trade old baby clothes of Prim but no one wanted them. I hadn’t had real food in three days. I dropped the clothes in a puddle of mud but couldn’t stop to pick them up for fear I would never rise again.  
  
I went along the lane towards the merchant area and looked I the trash bins hoping for something edible. But there was nothing. The baker’s wife came screaming telling me to leave and how she would call the Peacekeepers and what Seam trash I was. I saw Peeta standing behind her though I didn’t know his name. His mother disappeared and I went to hide under the apple tree. I was going to die right there. I heard the sound of a blow and then the boy appears with two loaves of bread that he began feeding to the pigs. His mother came out screaming at him for being stupid and useless. I saw the welt on his cheek and was shocked. Being hit was alien to me. He then through the bread to me and ran into the bakery. I nearly cried at the sight of the bread, burned but still recognizable, and shoved it under my shirt and hobbled away.  
  
It was still warm when we ate it. We drank mint tea and ate an entire loaf of the hearty raisin and nut bread. The next morning I questioned whether the boy burned the bread purposely. The next morning was a wonderful contrast to the day before. The sun was up and it looked like spring. The air was sweet and clear and the fluffy clouds passed overhead. I passed the boy at school and saw his blackened eye. We didn’t speak. But later that day I caught him staring at me across the schoolyard and then he looked down. I was embarrassed and saw growing before me a dandelion. I knew then we were going to make it.  
  
As I stood on the platform I still couldn't shake the connection between the boy and the bread that gave me hope and the dandelion that told me we would survive. I had caught him staring at me a few times but always he looked away. I felt a terrible debt towards him and I have always hated owing people. I wished I had thanked him so I wouldn't feel so conflicted. It was too late though. I could hardly say a thank you to someone I was going to kill.  
  
The mayor finished his speech and motioned for Peeta and me to shake hands. His grip and handshake were solid and warm. He looked me in the eyes and gave my hand a slight squeeze though I could be sure it was voluntary. We turned to face the crowd. I only hoped it would be someone else that killed him. Surely the odds weren't that much against me.


	2. Chapter 2 Goodbyes and to the Capitol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss says goodbye to her friends and family and makes the journey to the Capitol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this chapter is also somewhat similar to the books. I'm trying to put my own spin on it but I won't be changing the arena stuff. Generally, I'm doing two chapters of the book to one of mine.

We were ushered into the Justice Building by Peacekeepers and I was placed in a room and left to my thoughts. I knew I only had an hour to say goodbye to my family. I also knew I couldn’t get upset. I couldn’t afford to start crying as the cameras at the station would pick it up and report it lessening my chances of sponsors in the Capitol taking interest in me.

My mother and sister came in first. Prim climbed into my lap and clung to me like she used to when I was a kid. My mother wrapped her arm around us both. Then we were silent for a moment. Finally, I began to tell them what we had to do. I ordered Prim not to take out tesserae and to continue selling her goat cheese. My mother must continue her apothecary business and Gale would get her any herbs she couldn’t grow herself but she must describe them to him as he wasn’t as familiar with them as I was. Even though he would bring game for them they must remember to trade with him as his family couldn't afford to lose anything, not with all those children. Most of all my mother had to remain with Prim. She couldn’t just abandon her like she had before. No matter what happened to me she couldn’t let Prim starve.

"You've got to promise to try to win. Really, Really try." Prim pleaded her eyes shining with tears.

I knew it was hopeless. I was tiny, not particularly strong compared to many of the other Tributes and without the training of the wealthier districts. But I didn’t have the heart to tell her that. So I said, “I swear. I will try.”

Peeta’s father. He knew Prim better than he did me even if I did trade with him. He was silent but gave me some cookies to take with me. He only stayed a few minutes. But he gave me a strange promise to make sure Prim was fed. I didn’t know why he was being so kind to me but I felt a flicker of hope. Perhaps Prim’s popularity would keep her alive.

Madge came in just as he left. She was calm and quiet as always and thankfully not crying or overly cheerful. She looked at me with a strange urgency and placed the small gold pin I had noticed on her dress earlier.

“Will you wear this as your district token?” she asked.

I was surprised as I hadn’t given a thought to a token but Madge placed the pin on my dress. “Promise me you’ll wear this.”

I nodded my head wondering at her attitude but she did one more unexpected thing. She kissed me lightly on the cheek. She didn’t tell me good luck or anything else. She simply nodded at me before leaving as quickly as she had come. The whole interaction had been strange. I decided that Madge must have been my friend all along. Her giving me such a valuable present made me think she was more down to earth than I had realized.

My Aunt Hazelle and the kids come in then. Gale wasn’t there but I supposed he wanted to talk to me alone. He probably wanted to discuss strategy which would be hard to do with the kids there. Aunt Hazelle gives me a stiff little hug. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she saw me as a dead girl walking. Already she was starting to withdraw from me as if it was pointless to even hope I could survive. I didn’t resent it. I would have responded the same way if our positions had been reversed.

“You’re a good girl, Katniss. Volunteering for your sister.” She murmured patting my head as if I was a kid again.

Posy threw herself into my arms. She was only five but already had a vague idea that something terrible was happening. I knelt down beside her and tried very hard to smile at her. It probably came out as a grimace but it seemed to work.

“You’re going to the Capitol with the lady.” She questioned.

"Yes, I am. And if I can come back I'll bring you something back. Maybe a new dress." I replied.

Her face beamed with joy. If I managed to survive I would have enough money to outfit the whole family for years. I had promised Prim something similar but she hadn’t cared. All she cared about is my getting home. But Posy was still too young to understand what was at stake.

I turned to Rory and Vic and placed a hand on each of their shoulders to keep their attention. “I need you to promise me that you’ll listen to your mom and Gale. You’ll need to help him with the hunting and your mom with the laundry. You need to be strong.”

Vic gave me a little hug and said earnestly, “I promise, Katniss.”

Rory, who was a year older than Prim and considered himself grown up, “I promise. I’ll be so good I’ll take your place in hunting.”

The Peacekeepers took them away again and Gale replaced them. I looked into his eyes. If he had looked as discouraged as his mother I knew I would cry. He knew my abilities better than she did. If he thought I was as good as dead I knew it was hopeless. He gave me a hug which rather surprised me. We weren’t a family prone to hugs and I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of hugs or affectionate gestures that passed between us. I smelled the scent of the woods and it nearly made me cry. Would I ever see my woods again? We were children of the woods and the idea of never seeing it again was terrible.

“Katniss, you can win this. All you have to do is get ahold of a bow.” I felt a sense of calm settle over me. I could tell he thought I could do this. He was the first person to visit me who seemed to think I had a legitimate chance except for Prim who as much as I loved her didn’t really know enough to count.

"If they have one," I muttered.

“Then make one. A bad bow is better than no bow.”

“ I can do that. If they have wood. They usually do though.” I replied thinking rapidly.

“ Katniss, it’s just hunting. You’re the best around.”

“It’s not just hunting. They’re armed. They can think.” I said.

“So can you. And you’ve had a lot of practice. You’ve killed before.”

“But not people.”

"How different can it be, really?" He said grimly.

I felt a little sick hearing that but I guessed he was right. If I could just forget they were people it would be easy. Gale reached out and touched the pin Madge gave me. I knew he must remember seeing her wear it earlier.

“Where did you get this?” he asked.

“Madge gave that to me. For my token.” I answered. He didn’t have time to react but I noticed an odd look pass over his face.

“Katniss, remember you can…”He was shoved out the door before he could finish his sentence but I suspected he was saying that I could do this.

The drive to the station was very short. I had never been in a car before and I was glad the ride was short as I felt my stomach churning from the motion. I was glad I had not cried saying goodbye as the reporters were everywhere. I saw my expression on a screen and was glad to see I looked almost bored.

Peeta, on the other hand, had been clearly crying and didn't seem to try to hide it. I wondered if this was a strategy. Johanna Mason, of District 7, had played a cowering, crying little girl until she had come out at the last minute with her ax and demolished her opponents. But that seemed odd for a boy like Peeta. He was broad-shouldered and strong from years of having enough to eat and hauling heavy objects around. It would take a lot of crying and looking weak to convince anyone to ignore him.

The speed of the train took my breath away. I knew very little about the Capitol or District 12 except what was taught in school which wasn’t much. I knew they probably weren't telling us the truth but it never bothered me too much. I had bigger things to worry about. The room I was shown too was so fancy that I stood and stared at it for five minutes. I had my own room with a private bathroom. The beautiful clothes in the drawers Effie said I could wear were so varied I wondered why they provided them for a journey of just one day. I took a shower the first thing and it felt like washing in a warm summer rain.

I stared at the pin Madge gave me as I dressed. It was a mockingjay I realized. Was that why Madge had been so insistent I wear it? And why Gale had instantly noticed it. Mockingjays were the descendants of jabberjays, a mutation the Capitol had designed during the Dark Days to mimic conversations of the rebels. But the rebels figured out the jabberjay’s secret and started feeding them the wrong information. The birds were abandoned once the Capitol realized the lies and they mated with the female mockingbird and the mockingjay was born. They couldn’t mimic speech like the jabberjay but they could copy sounds and melodies. My father loved mockingjays and they always sang his melodies back because his voice was so beautiful. The pin suddenly reminded me of my father and it felt like he was with me protecting me from harm. I put the pin on my shirt and went out with Effie to dinner.

I sat down at the table noticing that Peeta was sitting as well. Effie seemed relieved that Haymitch had not come in. The supper came in courses and I stuffed myself because the food was absolutely delicious and I knew I needed to add a few pounds. Effie made an infuriating remark about our good manners and I finished the rest of the meal with my fingers. Effie would never understand what it was like in the Seam barely able to survive and never having enough to eat. After I have finished I began to regret eating so much. The food tasted good but it was very rich and I felt like I might get sick. I noticed Peeta looked a bit green as well. But I took a couple of deep breaths and willed the food down. I could keep down Greasy Sae’s mice stew and tree bark stew so I could keep this down.

We went into the other room to watch the recaps. I noticed the huge boy from two who volunteers, the weird fox-faced girl from five, the boy with the crippled foot from ten and most noticeably the tiny little girl from 11. She looked like Prim except that her skin was dark, even darker than mine, and her hair was curly and brown. But no one volunteered for her. When I saw Prim being reaped I saw myself step forward desperately. The commentators didn’t seem to know what to make of it.

Effie shook her head, “your mentor absolutely disgraced you on television.”

Peeta actually laughed and said, “He’s drunk like every year.”

I smirked and added, “Like every day.”

Effie sniffed and said, “It’s not amusing. Your mentor can be the difference between life and death.”

Haymitch picked that moment to come into the room muttering about supper before vomiting on the carpet. Effie looked horrified and disgusted but not surprised. This was clearly not new behavior and she gingerly made her way out of the room. Peeta and I stared at each other and Haymitch for a moment. I fought the desire to vomit myself at the smell. We knew that as unpleasant as the task before us we had to help him because as Effie said he was all we had.

We helped him up as he seemed unable to know what was happening. Peeta told him we were taking him to his room. We ended up dumping him in the shower in his room. Haymitch was too drunk to even notice.

"I'll take it from here," Peeta said turning to me.

I was a little grateful as cleaning him up was a task I wasn’t looking forward to. I was a little suspicious it was some sort of strategy on Peeta’s part. But I didn’t know what good it would do as Haymitch wouldn’t remember anything tomorrow.

“I can send one of the Capitol people.” I offered.

“No, I don’t want them.” I could understand why he wouldn’t but it surprised me that he felt so opposed to them doing such a disgusting job. I realized that it was because he was being kind. Just like when he gave me the bread. That was the scariest thought of all. I have always been susceptible to kindness which had a way of working inside me and taking root. I couldn’t let him do this to me. So I resolved to have nothing more to do with him. When I got to my room I tossed the cookies out the window. I would remove all traces of him and his family from me.

But the cookies fell on a patch of dandelions which shocked me for a moment. I remembered the moment long ago in the schoolyard and the reminder of the dandelion that brought me hope. That was the day I went into the woods with Prim and picked dandelion greens to eat. That was also the day I first started thinking about going into the woods for food. I looked in mother’s plant book and the next day I went into the woods for the first time alone. I shot my first rabbit on my own. The sight made my mother get up to cook it.

From then on I grew more and more confident in going in the woods. After a while I ceased to be so afraid. I signed up for tesserae on May 8th and began trading at the black market Hob and with certain Merchants. The additional food helped my mother return to us and she began cooking and preserving and even once in awhile singing. But I didn't trust her. I couldn't help hate her a little for her weakness and put up walls to prevent myself ever needing her.

I knew I would die without ever having made amends and I had yelled at her in the Justice Building. But I had told her I loved her. I wondered what my family was doing back at home. Were they watching everything that happened? Was my mother being strong? I felt so lonely all of a sudden. Was it only that morning I had been eating blackberries with Gale? I thought if I would just fall asleep I might wake up at home again.

I planned to let myself cry a little but I couldn't. Eventually, I fell asleep. By the time I woke up it was morning. Effie was rousing me in her horrible Capitol accent about it being a "big, big, big day." I wondered what was going inside her head. As I dressed I thought about what my family was doing.

When I walked into the dining car Effie is drinking coffee and swearing under her breath. Haymitch was actually chuckling though he looked a bit worse for the wear. Peeta looked embarrassed.

Haymitch waved me into a chair and I began eating. There was so much food and even orange juice and coffee which were luxuries we could never afford. There was a mysterious brown stuff that Peeta said was hot chocolate. I took one sip and thought this was almost sinfully good. I drowned the whole cup before touching anything else. I was careful on the rich stuff since I didn’t want to get sick. My mother had always commented on my tendency to eat like I would never eat again. I knew it was because I depended on my own efforts for all my food.

I watched Haymitch pouring liquor into his juice and was filled with a wave of rage. No wonder District 12 never won the games with such a useless mentor. Even the most promising tribute was useless without sponsors and that was his business.

“So what’s your advice?” I asked him.

"Here's some. Stay alive." He replied laughing. I stared at Peeta for a moment before I remembered my pact with myself the night before. But I was surprised to see the hardness in his eyes where I had always thought I would see mildness.

“Very funny,” He reached out and throws Haymitch’s glass where it shatters. “Only not to us.”

Haymitch stared at him for a second before punching Peeta in the jaw and sending him to the floor. I grabbed the knife from the table and dug it into the table between his hand and the bottle of liquor. I waited for him to hit me but he didn't. Instead, he sat down and stared at us.

“Well, Well, did I get some fighters?”

Peeta rose and was about to put some ice on his bruise when Haymitch stopped him.

“Let it show. It will look like you got into a fight before you went in.”

“That’s against the rules," Peeta replied. It seemed just like him to worry about that kind of thing.

“Only if you’re caught. And if you’re not caught you look rebellious.”

He turned to me and asked me what I could do with a knife. I had thrown knives quite a bit in the past but not as well as a bow. But I determined that if I was going to get his attention I had to do well. I did better than expected and actually stick it between two panels.

Haymitch then orders us to stand in the middle of the room and he spent a long time looking us over. He checked our muscles and faces like we were animals. Then he said, “Not too bad. With a good stylist you might look attractive enough.”

“All right. I’ll make you this deal. I’ll stay sober enough to help you if you don’t interfere with my drinking again. But you need to do what I say."

“Fine” Peeta replied.

I started questioning him a mile a minute about y but he waved me off. "The first thing you'll do is do what the stylists say. You're not going to like it but you need to do it. No, it's, and's or but's."

He left taking the liquor with him and suddenly everything went dark as we entered the tunnel that goes into the Capitol. The mountains around the Capitol are partly why the Districts lost the rebellion.

Peeta and I stared out the window but I felt sick at the miles of rock between myself and the air. It reminded me of the mines. We saw the Capitol up close for the first time. It was magnificent, colorful with all its bright buildings and even more oddly dressed people. But everything seems a bit garish and overdone. They pointed at us excitedly making me feel sick. Peeta on the other hand smiles and waves at them.

I glared at him but he only shrugged and said easily, “Who knows? One of them could be rich.”

I began to think I had misjudged him. I thought about the squeeze of the hand, the cookies from his father and the promise to feed Prim. Helping Haymitch and then challenging him to a fight. Now he was entertaining the crowd. He must have a plan. He wasn’t ready to concede defeat and fighting hard to live. That meant only one thing. The kind boy who had given me the bread was planning to kill me. _Well_ , I thought. _Bring it on. I’m ready_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought that Hazelle being somewhat cynical of Katniss's chances was realistic. I always imagined that in my universe she was an older version of Katniss. Katniss's dad was more optimistic and happy. Gale, on the other hand, saw Katniss hunt and knew how good she was. Katniss is still suspicious of Peeta but can't help but be drawn to him.


	3. Chapter 3 The Tribute Parade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta arrive at the Capitol and make their entrance in the Tribute Parade. They have a conversation about the mysterious girl Katniss saw in the woods.

I very much regretted agreeing to Haymitch’s deal when the prep team got ahold of me. The pain of my body hair being torn from my body was surprisingly intense considering how much time I spent hunting. They complained about my hairy body in their high Capitol accent with its strange hissing sound on the s. But I kept my opinion of their torture to myself. I wasn’t even embarrassed when they looked at me naked since they barely seemed human with their odd hair colors and tinted skin.   
I even smiled when they said I was “almost human” and that once the stylist got ahold of me I “wouldn’t be horrible at all.” I knew this was their attempt at being nice and they were so ridiculous I couldn’t hate them. But it made me wonder if all of the Capitol residents were that clueless. 

Cinna came into the room and I was shocked at how normal he looked compared to the preps and even the other stylists I saw on TV. He had naturally dark hair and skin quite a bit darker than my own. The only hint of Capitol about him was the gold eyeliner, which I thought, actually looked nice. Even his voice was quiet and soothing and with only a hint of a Capitol accent. 

He looked over my naked body critically but in the same way my mother looked at her patients. I wondered if he thought I was as hopeless as the preps had thought. I didn’t want my appearance to be flaunted about but few tributes won who were not at least a little bit attractive.

"Your hair. It's beautiful. Classic and in almost perfect balance with your profile. Your mother has clever fingers."

I finally said, “You’re new, aren’t you? I haven’t seen you before.”

“Yes, this is my first year in the Games.” He answered. 

“So they gave you twelve then.” I knew most stylists and escorts hated District 12 and couldn’t wait to be transferred to a better district. One that actually had a chance at winning. 

“I asked for 12.” He replied. He then handed me a robe and escorted me to a sitting room. Over lunch, we discussed my costume for the Tribute Parade. Most years District 12 ends up wearing coal suits with headlamps or the terrible year we were forced to wear nothing but black powder. Regardless it was awful. 

“Portia and I think that coal miners things are overdone. We want to make the District 12 tributes unforgettable.”

I cringed knowing I would be naked. I wondered what my family would think. We are used to it but it still shamed me. In much of Panem nakedness wasn’t considered a big deal. Even my mother never worried too much about it. But I always felt uncomfortable with it. 

"We are going to focus on the coal itself," Cinna added.

Coal dust then I thought. 

“And what do we do with coal. We burn it. You’re not afraid of fire are you Katniss?” He actually grins at me. I have no choice but to comply. It wasn’t that I was opposed to fire. I just didn’t want to be burned alive. 

I was dressed in the simple black unitard with leather boots and a cape of orange, yellow and red. The headpiece and cape were to be lit right before we get in the chariot.

"It's not a real flame. It's a synthetic substance Portia and I came up with. You'll be perfectly safe." I didn't believe him. I just knew I would be as barbecued as one of those wild hogs occasionally seen in the Hob.

My makeup and hair were relatively simple and Cinna explained that it was because he wanted them to recognize me as “Katniss, the girl who was on fire.” I saw his calm and dreamy expression and wrinkled my nose. Cinna must be a madman. 

Peeta was dressed in an identical costume and I supposed that the fire was less frightening for him who was a baker’s son. Everyone seemed absolutely over the moon with excitement except for Cinna who looked a little weary. I hoped he wasn’t having second thoughts about his fire experiment. Our body positions were arranged and we were forced to stand still as they went off to talk about something.

“What do you think about this fire thing?” I questioned Peeta. I might distrust him but he was from home and probably less of a threat than the other tributes. Besides we might die of fire long before we enter the Arena. 

“I’ll rip off your cape if you rip off mine.” He replied with gritted teeth. He looked almost angry.

"Deal," I said. It might be enough. "Haymitch clearly wasn't thinking about this when he said to do what they say."

“Where is he anyway? Isn’t he supposed to protect us?”

“With all the alcohol in his body he shouldn’t be around an open flame.” We suddenly started laughing and Cinna and Portia turned to look at us. I swore that a look of surprise passed over their faces. Perhaps they didn’t expect us to be so friendly. I tried to remind myself of my previous revelation. 

As the District 11 chariot started to head out of the Tribute Center Cinna lit our costumes on fire. I waited for the burning pain but all I felt was a subtle tickle. He told us to keep our heads high and smile. He then shouts something at us that I can’t catch. 

“What is he saying?” I asked my companion. I saw that under the flicker of the fake flames he was dazzling. I must be dazzling too. I thought that Prim must be so proud of me. 

“He wants us to hold hands.” He replied and took my hand and then looked to Cinna who nodded. 

When we entered the street the crowds were ecstatic and shouted our names. In the monitor, I saw myself and was shocked at how beautiful we looked and yet how much of ourselves remained. I actually smiled at the people and waved. I was glad I could hold on to Peeta for he was as steady as a rock. I even blew a few kisses. I get flowers and my name called over and over. I knew that Cinna had given me something incredible. No one would ever forget me. Not my look, not my name. Katniss. The girl on fire. 

I felt a little hope surge through me. Maybe I could get a sponsor. That might get me a weapon or food or something. Everyone wanted my kisses. My attention. I must have squeezed the blood out of Peeta’s fingers with how tightly I was holding his hand. 

I started to loosen my grip but he said, “Please don’t. I might fall out if you let go.” His blue eyes looked mysterious in the glare of the flame. I nodded but I was not sure why Cinna wanted to pair us together. It was unfair since we would soon be fighting to the death. 

We got more than our share of airtime and as it grew darker our costumes only became more breathtaking. As we made the journey back to the Center we were greeted at the entrance by the prep teams that were in an ecstasy of delight. The other tributes glared at us making me sure that we upstaged them all. Portia extinguished our flames and it is only then that I realized that I was still holding Peeta’s hand. I released it and then massaged my stiff fingers. For some reason, that simple gesture had been comforting.

“Thanks for holding my hand. I was a little shaky there.” He turned to look at me. 

“It didn’t show. I’m sure they didn’t notice.”

“I’m sure they didn’t notice anything but you. You should wear flames more often. They suit you.” His smile was so genuinely sweet with just a touch of shyness that a rush of unexpected warmth flows through me. For a moment I was transported to the day I looked at that dandelion. 

But then I remembered that he was probably out to kill me. He was probably luring me with kind words and compliments. After all, that was the way boys got girls to do what they wanted. At least that was what Gale said. I had never really had any boys notice me before and I wasn't quite sure how to deal with it. Darius, one of the Peacekeepers had flirted with me but I didn’t take that seriously. He was just joking. Gale had taken it seriously and had yelled at me all the way home for flirting with a Peacekeeper. I swore to him that I hadn’t been flirting. But even if Peeta’s manner was just a strategy it still caught me off guard. 

I decided that two could play that game. I stood on tiptoes and kissed his cheek right on the bruise. I glanced around and noticed the girl from two staring at me in surprise and dislike. Perhaps that had been a mistake. Well, let them think what they want. A little mystery might help my sponsor chances. 

Effie was absolutely effervescent as we rode the elevator up to the 12th floor. It was the first time her tributes had ever made a splash in the opening ceremonies. Effie was talking up the Capitol sponsors including the extremely flattering comment that we were overcoming the "barbarism of our district." It was especially ironic considering that she was preparing us for slaughter. She even made a joke about how coal, if pressure was applied, would turn to pearls. We were forced to pretend that she had said something brilliant. Effie also promised us that she would help encourage Haymitch to seal the sponsor deals. Though I didn't really like Effie I found her determination somewhat admirable.

My room was even fancier than the train. The shower had hundreds of combinations and the mat that dried my hair took mere seconds instead of the hours it normally took. I could find any outfit combination I wanted and the menu of foods was nearly limitless.

I was just looking up from the flaming cake the white-clad girl set on the table when I saw a girl. Stupidly I blurted out some sign of recognition. I realized I had made a fatal mistake when I saw all the adults looking at me with shock and horror. Effie proclaimed the idea of my knowing an Avox as ridiculous. Then Haymitch explained that Avoxes had committed some crime against the Capitol and had their tongues removed. 

Just as I was trying to think my way out of my mistake Peeta said, “Delly Cartwright. She looks just like her. I was thinking she was familiar too.” 

I nearly laughed as Delly was a pale, plump girl with blonde hair and looked about as much as the red-haired Avox as I did. But I nodded and said, “Of course. That’s it. Her hair.”

"Something about her eyes too," Peeta added smoothly.

Everyone relaxed and continued the conversation. When we convened to the sitting room to watch the recaps I noticed how much attention we garnered. Haymitch was especially impressed with the hand holding idea of Cinna’s.   
“Just the perfect touch of rebellion.” He commented.

I was surprised, as it hadn’t seemed particularly rebellious. But then again all the other tributes had stood far away from their partners ignoring them. Haymitch was right in saying our show of togetherness and friendship was another distinguishing factor. But there wasn’t much time to think on this as he ordered us off to bed right away.

As we walked towards our rooms Peeta leaned against the doorframe of my door and said insistently, “So, Delly Cartwright. Imagine finding her lookalike here.”  
I knew he was asking for an explanation for my strange behavior and I was tempted to tell him the story. His covering for me had made me in his debt again. Perhaps if I told him the story it would help even the scores. And even if he repeated the story it could hardly hurt me as I had just witnessed something. He was just as much a liar with his Delly Cartwright story. I wanted to tell someone about this girl who might have been able to help me figure out her story. Gale would have been my first choice but he was far away and unlikely to be seen again. Perhaps Peeta would even think I was being a friend. 

Peeta saw my hesitation and said, “Have you been to the roof? Cinna showed me. You can see almost the whole city. The wind is loud though.”

I suspected what he was really saying was that it would be hard to be overheard. I followed him up the flight of stairs to the roof. The view was spectacular. The sight of so many lights compared to the largely dark District 12 was shocking to me. We walked to the edge of the room and saw all the people on the streets below and the sound of traffic. Peeta held out his hand and there was a sharp zap. I was startled and he explained, “There’s some kind of electric force that keeps you from jumping off.”

I wondered if we were breaking some sort of rule being out here late and alone. Perhaps they were watching us. When we explored the little garden with the wind chimes that drowned out voices Peeta looked at me obviously expecting a story.

“We were hunting one day. Waiting for game.”

“You and your father.” he whispered.

“No, me and my cousin Gale. All the birds stopped singing. Then I saw the girl and a boy as well. They were running as if their lives depended on it. They weren’t from 12 that’s for sure.” 

I thought back to that moment wondering if we could have done more about it. Perhaps we might have helped them. We were hunters. 

"The hovercraft came so suddenly. The net dropped down for the girl and they shot a spear for the boy. The girl gave one scream and then they were gone. The birds started singing again."

“Did they see you?” Peeta questioned. 

“I don’t know.” But the girl had looked at me. And we had done nothing. 

"You're shivering," Peeta said and took off his jacket to wrap it around my shoulders. I hesitated as he secured a button around my throat. I wasn’t stupid. I knew boys did gallant things like that when they take a girl to a dance or party. But it hardly seemed an apt comparison considering the circumstances. Perhaps he was just being nice. Still, I reminded myself to remember that he meant nothing by that. 

“I think they were from the Capitol. But why would they leave? They have all the money in the world.” 

“I’d leave here.” He replied then glanced nervously about. “I’d go home now if they’d let me. But you have to admit the food’s the best.”

I admired his ability to cover. If they were listening in all they would have heard was a scared tribute wanting to go home. Not a rebellious statement. But I knew better.

“So your cousin. The one that picked up your sister.”

“Yes, do you know him?” I asked.

"Not really. But I hear the girls talking about him. I wasn't sure if you were related or not." He mused.

“Your father came to visit me. He brought me cookies." I scanned his face for recognition but there wasn’t the slightest trace. But he lied so expertly that I wasn’t surprised.

"Oh, he has always been fond of you and your sister. I guess he wanted a daughter instead of a bunch of boys. Besides he used to know your mother."

I was a bit surprised over that. My mother never talked about her Merchant upbringing. Sometimes it felt as if that part of her had ceased to exist when she married my father. I wondered what had compelled her to give up her family and marry a coal miner. Love made people make stupid decisions. I made some vague remark about her growing up in town to Peeta trying not to think of the girl who I had failed to save. 

By the time we reached my door I had handed him back his jacket. He bid me good night and I walked in noticing the girl picking up my costume. I wanted to apologize but I couldn't as that was against the rules. Instead, I said, "I'm sorry. I was supposed to give those to Cinna. Could you give them to him?" 

She nodded briefly before slipping out the door. I knew my apology ran all the way back to the time I didn’t help her. I crawled into bed shivering and hoping the girl didn’t remember me even though I knew she did. One doesn’t forget the face of the person who was your last hope. I pulled the covers over my face wondering if she would rejoice at my death. She must have been angry that I didn’t try to help her. I know I would have been. I could still see her eyes even though the walls and bedding. I dreamed of the girl all night interspersed with terrible pictures of Prim and my mother and my cousins dying. The real pictures of my father dying. I only wished this nightmare would be over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again this chapter pretty closely follows the book although I did include a few changes. The big changes will occur around chapter 13. I have most of the Hunger Games portion written but unedited (I wrote it within three weeks which is crazy fast for me. I'm a pretty slow writer.). I'm sure my progress will slow down now that I'm back in school and I start getting to the AU portion of the story. But I have enough written that I shouldn't have any major hiatuses anytime soon.   
> I have kept the movie version of Cinna though what he said was based on the books. And my headcanon Katniss is Devery Jacobs. I don't have any fan casts for the Hawthorne family yet. Or Madge and her family. I think that Josh is still my favorite for Peeta.   
> The Darius incident raises interesting questions. In the book, it was the time that Gale realized he liked Katniss. In this story, it is more along the lines of him realizing that his 15-year-old cousin was attracting the attention of a Peacekeeper. Obviously, that was pretty terrifying to the people of District 12. He and likely his mother responded by trying to warn Katniss away from guys especially ones not known to the family. This makes Katniss more than a little suspicious of men. (I actually was raised by a mother who was constantly warning about me being raped and killed. It really affects your relationships.) Her relationship with Peeta would be affected by this mindset.   
> I'm demisexualkatnisseverdeen on Tumblr. Come chat with me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta begin training and start getting to know each other. We learn more about her family situation back at home.

I awoke the next morning desperately wishing I was home. I thought of my mother and Prim who would be getting breakfast, milking the goat and going to school. Just two mornings before I was home. It seemed impossible to imagine that only two days had passed. What were they thinking at my fiery debut? Prim must have been happy to see my beautiful costume but did my mother wonder at all the other tributes. Did Aunt Hazelle think about the coal that killed her brother and husband? Did Gale see all the other tributes and mentally compare my small frame with the boy from District 2. After all, I wasn't going to be Victor by being the best dressed.  
  
Haymitch and Peeta came in and I immediately noticed that Peeta was dressed exactly as I. I was irritated and resolved to talk to Cinna. This twins act was going to blow up in our faces. But then again Haymitch had told me to obey the stylists and I trusted Cinna’s judgment.  
  
I was nervous about training. The thought of meeting all those other tributes made me sick. Not even the delicious hot cocoa and bread, a combination Peeta introduced me to, made me feel hungry. I gave up the attempt at eating anymore.  
  
“So do you want to be coached separately or together?” Haymitch asked us after he had finished his own breakfast.  
  
“Why would we want to be separate?” I questioned.  
  
“If you had a secret skill you don’t want anyone else to know about.” He said.  
  
I looked over at Peeta and he said, “I don’t have any secret skills. And I already know where your squirrels come from.”  
  
I had never thought he actually ate the squirrels I shot. I thought the town families only ate butcher meat. But perhaps I had been mistaken. I nearly laughed at the idea of his mother eating a squirrel.  
  
"I'm fine being together," I said and Peeta nodded.  
  
"So what can you do," Haymitch asked us.  
  
We then got into a ridiculous argument over who had better skills. Whether hunting or lifting heavy objects was preferable. The oddest thing was how strongly Peeta defended me to Haymitch. Even more surprising was the fact that I did the same to him.  
  
Haymitch actually laughed and said, “Well, once this mutual admiration society is broken up I can get down to business. Katniss, there is no guarantee there will be a bow and arrows in the Arena but if you do well in your private session they may put one in. But don’t let anyone else see you shoot. Can you trap?”  
  
“ I can do a little.”  
  
“That can get you food. Peeta, she is right. Physical strength can be the difference between life or death. Don’t show anyone except the Gamemakers how much you can lift. Spend time, both of you trying things you don’t know. Keep your skills for the private lessons.”  
  
We started to rise but Haymitch stopped us, “I want you to be together every moment in public.” We started to object but Haymitch said with a slam on the table, “It’s not open for discussion. Every moment. You will be amicable. Now go and meet Effie at the elevator at ten to begin training.”  
  
I stalked back to my room making sure to slam the door. I was mad at Haymitch, Peeta and myself for bringing up the day I got the bread. It was ridiculous having Peeta and I pretend to be friends. Complementing the other person’s skills was stupid because sometime soon we would have to accept that we were enemies. I would be able to do it right now if not for Haymitch’s instruction. I ought to have asked for private coaching. It was clear that Peeta was as unhappy as I was.  
  
A voice echoed in the back of my head repeating “She has no idea. The effect she has.” What had he meant? Was he making fun of me? It sounded almost like a compliment. Like I was appealing. But that was even more ridiculous. I was hardly the most popular girl in District 12. But how had he known about my hunting? Even more, eerie was the amount of things I knew about him. The flour and wrestling. I had kept track of the boy with the bread. But why? It was pointless to even think those thoughts so I pushed them away. It didn’t matter.  
  
When we walked into the gym I was awestruck at the magnificent room filled with weapons, obstacles courses and the other tributes. I noticed right away that Peeta and I were the only ones dressed alike. The training schedule was laid out but I spent my time staring at the others. All the boys and half of the girls are bigger than me despite being starved most of their lives. I knew that though I was thin I was also strong. I ate a healthy diet of meat and plants and exercised in the woods. I was much healthier than most of them except for the Careers. The Careers trained for the Games despite it being technically illegal. Most of the Victors came from this group.  
  
I suddenly deflated. Having a great stylist didn’t make you a Victor. They all looked at us with contempt. They were all fifty maybe one hundred pounds heavier and gave an air of brutality and confidence. They don’t think twice about handling the most deadly weapons.  
  
We started with knots which were not very popular. I learned a couple of new snares. Peeta excelled at the camouflage station causing the trainer to sing his praises. Peeta told me it was because he decorated the cakes for the bakery. The cakes Prim loved to look at though we could never in a million years afford them. I wondered how Peeta could so accurately portray the delicate patterns of the forest on his own skin. His skills at camouflage, cake decorating and all these unaccessible things made me annoyed.  
  
“It’d be great. If you could frost someone to death.” I said shortly.  
  
“Don’t be superior. You can never tell. Say the Arena was a giant cake.” I sent him a look of derision before herding him on. A small part of me wanted to laugh. It was odd how he was able to make me laugh. Very few people could.  
  
We trained for three days learning valuable skills. I noticed the Gamemakers occasionally making note of us and consulting each other while staring at us. We ate together unlike the other Tributes excluding the Careers. It was hard to find a topic to talk about. Home was too painful but equally bad was the present. Once Peeta told me about all the different types of loaves of bread from each district. The attempt to be friendly was wearing on us. I was forced to tell a story about being chased by a bear.  
  
When I was throwing a spear I noticed that the girl from 11 was watching us. She looked like a bird about to take flight. "I think her name's Rue," Peeta commented. I looked at the girl and mentally compared her to Prim. Rue and Prim. Both flowers. Both so tiny. She was good with a slingshot but what would that help her against a large boy.  
  
Meals were horrible with Haymitch and Effie questioning our every mood. I quickly became cross and disagreeable. When Peeta made a remark under his breath about Haymitch I start to half laugh, half snort with amusement. Then I remembered belatedly that I was supposed to be avoiding friendship. I snapped out, “Don’t let’s pretend we are friends. At least not when anyone’s around.”  
  
“All right.” He said wearily and went off to his room. I felt a flicker of guilt for being so disagreeable but considering what he was planning I didn’t intend to be guilty.  
  
On the day of the private sessions, we go last as usual. We sat stiffly in silence until Peeta was called. I found myself saying against my will, "Remember what Haymitch said about the weights."  
  
“Thanks. And shoot straight Katniss.”  
  
I wondered why I said anything. I told myself it was because if I wasn’t to win it would be better for my mother and Prim if he won. When I was called I went in with my head held high. But the Gamemakers were so interested in the stupid roast pig and their wine. I ran my hand up the beautiful bows but when I tried to shoot the bow and arrows were unfamiliar in my hand. I practiced till I was used to it and then practiced all my most elaborate tricks. It was useless. They didn’t notice.  
  
I felt anger surge through me. I was going to die and they could only focus on food and wine. I shot the arrow at their table without thinking about the consequences. That shook them up. They gave a little cry of shock and horror. I only bowed and disappeared without being dismissed.  
  
It was only when I was heading for my room that the reaction hit. The tears started to fall as I flung myself on the bed. I knew I had ruined everything. Any hope of winning was gone forever. Would they kill me? Cut my tongue out like the Avox girl. I had lost my temper and tried to get them to notice me. But after all, I hadn't had much of a chance anyway. But would they take things out on Prim, my mother, and the Hawthornes? Would they kill or send them to the community home or prison? I ought to have apologized. Or pretended it was a joke. Peeta would have done that. But Peeta wouldn’t have done something so stupid. I waited for guards to come and get me and ignored pleas from Haymitch and Effie to come out.  
  
At last, I decided that they wouldn't kill me. They still need a female tribute from District 12. Once I'm in the Arena there will be hell to pay. They would give me a laughable score. Oddly enough high scoring tributes often were eliminated first but low scoring ones never got sponsors.  
  
I reluctantly go to dinner but I wanted to stay in my room and sulk. Peeta looked at me with a question in his eyes but I just shook my head. Haymitch, at last, said, "So how bad were you out there?”  
  
Peeta started, “I’m not sure it matters. They didn’t even bother looking at me. So I just threw heavy things around until they dismissed me.”  
  
I felt a little better knowing that even Peeta was angry at them. But I knew that everyone in the room would be ashamed of me once I told them what I had done. When I answered Haymitch's question the horror in Effie's tone as I explained what I did confirm exactly how badly I had done. Haymitch gave me a measure of comfort by telling me he thought it unlikely I would be arrested or have my family punished. I even managed a laugh at the man who fell into a punch bowl.  
  
The scores came in with the average being a five though the Careers get much higher. Little Rue brought in a surprising seven despite her tiny size. Peeta got an eight which was within Career range. I waited to see a zero or one but was shocked at the eleven that flashed on the screen. Haymitch told me they must have liked my spunk. Cinna told me he was already planning my dress. Peeta and I congratulated each other but it was awkward. We were at cross purposes. I knew that we would be soon fighting each other. I also knew that eleven spelled trouble.  
  
The next morning I awoke at dawn remembering it was Sunday. At home, I would be slipping under the fence to hunt with Gale. We normally hunted all day since we didn't have school. Even though I knew Gale was capable of hunting alone having a partner made it easier and more enjoyable. I had been hunting about six months when I met him in the woods. It was October and the air was scented with the odor of dying things. I came upon the snare and was touching it when he came upon me. I recognized him instantly as my cousin though we had never been very close due to the coolness between our families and the two years between us. Already he was almost as tall as a man. Obviously, he had taken after the Hawthrone height, not the Everdeens. I also knew his father and my father died in the same blast.  
  
“Well, Catnip, stealing is punishable by death haven’t you heard.” I glared up at him. When we had been kids one of the few times I had met him he had been incapable of pronouncing my name and had called me Catnip. The nickname had stuck despite my protests.  
  
“I wasn’t stealing. I was trying to figure out how you did it.”  
  
I let him look at my bow and he let me look at his snares. He even smiled at me making him look a little less menacing. It took me a long time to return the smile. I still hadn’t forgiven his family for abandoning us. It took us some time before we gave up our secrets for neither of us were inclined towards generosity even if we were related. But gradually we became a team. Our families began mixing more. My Aunt Hazelle reappeared in my life though she and my mother never saw eye to eye. It was nice having a hunting partner again after my father died. I found that he was like the brother I never had which was not always a good thing. He could lecture me worse than anyone except his mother, teased me horribly and treated me as if I was a child much to my annoyance. Sometimes we got into horrible fights since we were both very quick-tempered. But generally hunting kept us from doing anything too crazy. That came first.  
  
Suddenly I wished he were here now. I was tired of being alone. Of all the people I knew he would be the most prepared to help me. Prim of course couldn’t help me and neither could my mother. Aunt Hazelle was smart and good with traps but I wondered if she had the confidence to pull this off. No, of all the people I knew Gale would have been best. I could have confided in him my fears over Haymitch, my score, and even Peeta. But the only way Gale could have been here was as my district partner. And that would be the worst. Both of us dead and no one to take care of our family. Or being forced to decide who would live or die. No, I was very glad he wasn't there.  
  
I couldn’t help comparing Gale to Peeta. I knew very few boys my own age and from how Gale described them they were very strange creatures who could never be trusted. I felt a strange connection to Peeta Mellark due to the bread but it was a useless and even damaging thing in the light of the Arena. Gale and I were family and the old saying "blood's thicker than water" applied here. I knew it was unfair to make such a comparison but I had trouble not to. How could I know what to do with Peeta if I was being affected by some sentimental occurrence when we were children. I had to dismiss that idea right off. It wasn’t the same as family bonds.  
  
When I came for breakfast Haymitch appraised me of the day’s schedule. “There’s been a change of plans.”  
  
“What’s that?” I hadn’t remembered any strategy.  
  
“Peeta has asked to be coached separately.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter as it is really a transition between the Parade and the Interviews where I'm throwing in a few twists. I thought it was important to flesh out her feelings on family and how that alters her position on the Games. Also, it tends to make her avoid people outside her own family and contributes to her suspicions of Peeta.
> 
> As usual, come chat with me on Tumblr at demisexualkatnisseverdeen.


	5. Chapter 5 Interviews

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long-awaited interviews are here. Katniss discovers a secret and has a revealing conversation.

The first thing I felt was betrayal though I knew it was ludicrous for to be betrayed one must have trusted in the first place. And I did not trust Peeta Mellark. There was no trust in the Games. But I remembered the boy who had saved me with bread and been beaten in the process. I remembered him helping me on the chariot and covering for me over the Avox girl and praised me with Haymitch. Perhaps a small part of me had trusted him. But no more. At least I knew where he stood and could give up this charade of friendship. The connection, thin though it was, was shattered. It was a good thing for I could not afford any such thing. It was probably triggered by my outscoring him in training. 

My first meeting that day was with Effie. It was hopeless and by the end, we were very glad to be done. She taught me how to walk in those impossible heels, avoid lifting the skirt of my dress above my ankles which was apparently not done, sit with proper posture and develop the polite mannerism of a lady including smiling.

But as difficult as the training with Effie was the one with Haymitch was worse. He didn’t know how to present me and called me as “charming as a dead slug.” I grew angrier and angrier the longer I had to sit there and pretend not to want to kill the whole lot of them. I couldn’t gush, I wasn’t arrogant enough to be cocky, and I was not witty, funny, sexy or mysterious. I was nothing. 

I went to my room and gorged myself on food and smashed dishes in a terrible display of temper. I screamed at the Avox girl to leave the mess knowing that she must hate me too. But the girl went and washed my face and hands. I whispered my apologies for not saving her. But the girl only shook her head and pointed to my chest. Clearly, she knew I would have only ended up just like her. I helped her clean the room thoroughly ashamed of my outburst. What would my mother or Aunt Hazelle have thought of my actions? Wasting good food and dishes out of pure anger when children in the Seam were dying. Not of course that it would ever affect them one-way or the other. But it was the principle of the thing. The girl helped me to bed and had a strange desperate desire to ask her to stay and watch me until I fell asleep. For her to help me even though I hadn't helped her. 

The next morning the prep team took over transforming my appearance. When Cinna entered I felt a wave of relief. Even if the things Haymitch said I was were true at least I was well dressed. I stared at myself in the mirror. I was covered in jewels from head to foot designed to make me look like I was on fire. I was not pretty. I was not beautiful. I was as radiant as the sun. 

It was Cinna who gave me more help with the interview than anything Haymitch and Effie had. He told me to be myself. Apparently, to him I was likable. He said people liked my spirit. He tried to get me to talk to the audience as if I was addressing a friend. I thought of Gale or even Prim but it was too hard. They knew all those important things about me already. I was their family. Finally, Cinna told me to pretend he was my friend and that I was talking to him. For the first time that day I felt some hope. I could do that. Cinna was the closest thing to a friend I had encountered since leaving home.

Peeta looked striking as well when we met at the elevator but I was relieved that the matching clothing routine was over. I was the second to last to go up which meant I had to sit and listen to 22 other people display all their abilities. Haymitch had whispered to both of us to keep up the friendly act. I scowled but didn’t fight him. 

Caesar Flickerman came out to roaring applause. He had been conducting the interviews forever and except for the choices of hair color he hadn't changed. The girl from 1 played sexy, the boy from 2 didn't even pretend to be anything but ruthless, the girl from 5 was sly, little Rue was angelic and clever and the boy from 11 was silent and taciturn but that didn’t matter due to his monstrous size. 

I was called up and I shook hands with Caesar. He asked me what impressed me the most and I ended up being honest and saying lamb stew. That actually caused people to laugh. Then we talked about our fiery entrance and I twirled in my dress that Cinna had created. I even giggled which I had never, not even in my lightest moments, had done. It was nerves but it seemed to play well to the audience. I played coy when I was asked about the training scores.

But then Caesar turned to my family. He asked me if I had made any promises to anyone. At last, I said, "I promised my little cousin Posy that if I won I would buy her the prettiest dress in the Capitol." 

Caesar gave a sentimental sigh and said to the audience, “Isn’t that the sweetest? We’ll make sure to hold you to that promise, Katniss.”

His voice grew quieter as he said, “What were you thinking of when you volunteered for your sister?”

I wanted to shut the door and refuse to talk about Prim. Posy had been easy as her request had been simple and easily understood by the shallow Capitolites.   
“Her name is Prim and she’s twelve. I love her more than anyone in the world.”  
“And what did she say to you after the reaping.”

“She told me to try really hard to win.” I swallowed hard fighting back tears.

“ And what did you say?” Caesar prompted gently.

"I swore I would," I spoke in the same manner as I did before taking a fatal shot.

I was in a daze during the first part of Peeta’s interview. My stomach was still clenching with tension and I was sweating profusely. But I could tell that Peeta was a natural up there. He looked like he had spent his whole life on television. He made the audience laugh, poked fun at the other tributes by comparing them to bread, made a little joke about the Capitol showers and smelling like roses. If the Hunger Games were won by the interview Peeta Mellark would be the Victor. Then Caesar asked Peeta if he had a girlfriend back at home. Peeta hesitated and then shook his head but even I was unconvinced. 

“Handsome lad like you. There must be some special girl. What’s her name?” Caesar prodded in delight.

"Well, there's this one girl. I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. But until the reaping, I don't even think she knew I existed."

The crowd cooed with sympathy. The Capitol loved tales of unrequited love. I thought it was ridiculous that they would care since Peeta would likely never see this girl again but that was the Capitol for you.

“She has a boyfriend already, then?” Caesar asked.

“I don’t know. But a lot of boys like her.” Peeta replied. I thought down the list of girls in District 12. Perhaps he was talking about Madge. Madge certainly was beautiful but kept to herself. 

“So, here’s what you do. You win, go home, and sweep her off her feet. She can’t refuse you then, can she?” Caesar leaned forward confidentially as if he was giving a great secret.

“I don’t think it’s going to help. Winning wouldn’t help me.” Peeta said.

"But why ever not," Caesar asked mystified.

Peeta actually blushed beet red and stammered for the first time, “Because…because she came here with me.”

The camera at first panned on Peeta's face before reverting to me. I saw in its reflection my own expression. My mouth was half open in shock and protest as I realized that he was talking about me. I stared at the floor hoping my emotion wouldn't show. I could hear Caesar expressing his sympathy and the audience make sentimental noises of protest. Caesar made a compliment about it not being a surprise considering how charming I was. I looked up at the screen long enough to see my crimson cheeks. I looked the part of a blushing schoolgirl. 

The crowd roared as he was dismissed. Anything anyone else said or did was meaningless. Every camera was trained on us. We were suddenly the poor tragic lovers. But I knew better. I felt fury rise up in me. How dare he? How dare he make so many strange remarks to me and then make some sort of declaration of feelings in front of the whole country. I had never had a single boy so much as look at me and now I had one do it in the middle of the Games. I wondered what my family thought of some Merchant boy waltzing in and treating me like I belonged to him. 

I slammed myself into him just as he came out of the elevator in the Training Center. He lost his balance and staggered into an urn and injured his hand causing blood to flow. He recovered himself instantly standing up and facing me. 

“What was that for?” he asked me in shock.

“You had no right. None whatsoever. To say all those things about me.” I shouted. 

“And you have no right to shove me.” He said as I stepped closer. We were practically eye to eye except that I was so short I had to lift my head to look at him even though he wasn’t particularly tall. Anger coursed through me preventing any sort of nervousness at our proximity. 

“Is this the way you want to play? Because it starts now.” He didn’t try to argue with me, just continued staring at me as I stared right back. I wasn’t sure who was going to win this sudden battle of wills. 

I heard the others come up behind us. Effie asked us what was wrong hysterically. Peeta told her I shoved him into the vase and Haymitch turned on me as if I was the instigator. It must have been Haymitch’s idea all along. Probably he cooked up the whole thing. 

“It was my idea. Haymitch just helped me with it.” Peeta pulled the bits of pottery out of his hand with a wince.

“Yes, you’re very helpful. To him.” I sneered.

“You’re a fool. Do you think that hurt you? That boy just gave you something you could never get on your own.” Haymitch’s tone was full of disgust as if I was so stupid I couldn’t grasp a simple concept.

"He made me look weak," I said.

"He made you look desirable! That's one thing you lack. Now all people can talk about is the Star-Crossed Lovers of District 12."

“But we’re not. Lovers I mean.” I snapped.

Haymitch grabbed my shoulders and pinned me to the wall, “Who cares, Sweetheart. It’s all a damned show anyway. Your interview was nice enough which was a real improvement. Now you are a heartbreaker. All the boys at home mad about you. The sponsors eat that up."

I shoved him away but Cinna came and said, “He’s right you know.”

“I should have been warned. I looked stupid up there.” I remembered my blush cringing. 

“No, you wouldn’t have been as natural.” Said Portia.

I finally voiced my final objection, “But what will my family think?” 

“It’s not like you said you loved me. Besides they ought to know a bluff when they see it. Why does it matter?” Peeta asked gruffly. I glared at him but my anger was fading. I couldn’t tell if I was being used or not. Haymitch was right. My interview had made me into a silly little girl in a pretty dress. I was forgettable. Peeta made me an object of love. Not just of him but of all my so-called admirers. And if the audience really thought we were in love they would love it. 

“After what he said. Loving me and all that. Did I look like I could love him too?” I asked suddenly anxious that I hadn’t played the whole thing right. 

“You did. All that blushing and avoiding the camera.” Said Portia. Haymitch told me the sponsors would be lined up.

“I’m sorry.” I turned to Peeta embarrassed about assaulting him.

“Doesn’t matter. Although technically illegal.” He shrugged.

I turned to examine his hands but Portia promised that she would get some cream to put on them that would heal him right away. I felt very guilty when he returned with the bandages on his hands halfway through dinner. He had given me yet another advantage and I had replayed him by hurting him. The games were tomorrow. There was no time to repay him.

After we replayed the interviews Effie bid us goodnight with actual warmth though she helpfully added that she hoped that she would be promoted. I couldn’t figure out if her unaccustomed warmth was due to affection or a better job. Then Haymitch came and gave us the final bits of advice. He told us to avoid the Cornucopia and run away. He told us the next task was to find water.

“Finally. Remember this. Stay alive.” It was not the same as before. He meant it this time. We nodded and I went to my room glad that Peeta had lingered to talk to Portia.

I tried to sleep but my mind was whirling trying to figure out what would happen. I thought over the different types of arenas. After an hour or two I began pacing the floor. Finally, in desperation, I slipped up the stairs to the roof hoping that the fresh air would calm me down.

I could hear the sounds of the Capitol people partying below. I realized I was not alone and recognized the figure looking out. I thought of turning back to my room. But then I considered that it was of no consequence whether I went or stayed. Whether we ever spoke again. 

I was just behind him and said, “You should be sleeping you know.”

He was startled by my quiet approach but only shook his head. When he asked me if I was worried about my family I was a bit guilty. I had been worrying about myself. I saw the way he held his bandaged hands and felt even worse. What a mess I had made of things. "I'm really sorry about your hands."

“It doesn’t matter. I haven’t been a contender. The best I can hope for is not disgracing myself…and”

“And what” I prompted.

“ I don’t know how to explain it. I want to die as myself.” At my confused look he went on, “I don’t want to be changed. Turned into some monster.”

I felt inferior once again. I was the one worrying about the landscape of the arena and Peeta was worrying about morality and a sense of self. “Do you mean you won’t kill anyone?” I asked.

“No, when the time comes I’m sure I’ll kill like everyone else. I can’t go down without a fight. But I just keep hoping I can show the Capitol they don’t own me. That I’m more than a piece in their games.”

“But you’re not. All of us are. That’s the games.” I replied shortly.

“But within that. There’s still you. Me. Everyone. Don’t you see?” He asked insistently.

" I guess. But, no offense, but who cares?" I said.

“I do. What else am I allowed to care about now?” He was angry displaying that curious temper I had seen a few times. His blue eyes blazed into mine demanding an answer. 

In spite of myself, I stepped back, "Care about staying alive like Haymitch said."

Peeta smiled an odd little smile both sad and mocking, “Thanks for the advice, Sweetheart.” 

I felt as if he had slapped me in the face using Haymitch’s patronizing title. “If you want to spend you’re last moments planning some noble death be my guest. But I want to go back to 12.”

“Wouldn’t surprise me. Give my mother your best won’t you.” His tone was light and mocking as if I was the ridiculous one. He had a way of leaving me unable to fire back a response. I hated it. I went back to my room and thought of all the things I would tell self-righteous Peeta Mellark. I considered that his attitude would last exactly five minutes before he would become one of those tributes that ate someone's heart out. I thought of what my family would think. I thought of Gale's advice and considered that was far more practical. It was hunting. Let Peeta Mellark pretend to be good. I would be alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really had fun with this chapter. You may notice that I used a couple of lines of dialogue from the movies in the scene where Katniss assaults Peeta. This chapter is really all Everlark. Enjoy it. You won't get much until the cave scene. Posy's dress appears again in the story. I thought that would really play well to the Capitol audience. And I just love the scene in which Katniss and Peeta argue over identity. In many ways that conversation is the lynchpin in which the whole future Revolution hangs. I am also somewhat holding to the headcanon that Peeta's primary motivation for helping Katniss isn't his undying love for her but the desire to make his death count by supporting someone who needed to get back to her family. He explicitly said, "What else am I allowed to care about now?" That, of course, made him far more rebellious than anyone would have dreamed of.


	6. Chapter 6 The Games Begin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Games begin and Katniss believes she is being betrayed by her district partner who just declared his feelings for her to the whole country. Meantime she is being hounded by both the Gamemakers and the Careers.

But any lectures would have to remain till after the Games began if at all. The next morning I was awoken early and guided to the roof where I was placed on the Hovercraft with only Cinna accompanying me. The lady put the tracker in my arm and I tried my best to force down some breakfast. Then I was led to the area known as the Launch Room though people in the Districts call it the Stockyard. We were like animals led to slaughter.

I would be the first and only tribute to use this room. When the games were ended the arena would become a historic site to be visited by Capitol residents who could reenact the games and go on vacation. Cinna had no control over the outfit, which proved to be simple beige pants, light green shirt, and a thin black jacket. He said it reflected back heat so most likely the nights would be cold. The boots were thin and not too different from my hunting boots but with treads for running. Cinna then placed the Mockingjay pin on my blouse. I had thought I had left it on the train. He said it barely cleared the board as they thought it could be used as a weapon. I was so nervous that at last Cinna came and held my hand. It was comforting. My stomach churned with nerves and I felt like I might throw up.

"Remember Haymitch's advice. I'm not allowed to bet but if I could my money would be on you." Cinna's words gave me hope. He gave me a kiss on the forehead. "Good luck, girl on fire."

The cylinder rose about me and I was shot up to the surface. The bright light dazzled me and I could smell the scent of pine. Could I be in a wooded arena? I heard Claudius Templesmith announce, "Ladies and Gentlemen, let the Seventy-fourth Hunger Games begin!"

They began counting the 6o seconds until you could make you're moving. Jump off one second before and you'd be blown to bits. It was just one minute to look over your competitor lined up in a circle around the Cornucopia. It contained all sorts of helpful supplies, weapons, and food. Farther from the horn the gifts were easier to obtain but less valuable. I took a quick glance around noticing a cliff ahead of me, a lake to the right and some woods to my left. As much as I know that Haymitch would want me to go there I looked longingly at the horn. I saw the silver bow and arrows and knew it was intended for me.

I was a fast sprinter and came in with the top score in our school for short distances. But even if I reached it first I would have to climb to get it and they could take me down with a spear. I was just considering how to do this when I glanced at Peeta. I fancied I saw him give a shake of the head. But I considered if I saw right which was just enough time to make me lose my advantage. I reached out and picked up a loaf of bread and a scrap of plastic angry with him for making me lose focus. I sprinted ahead and grabbed an orange backpack. But the boy from 9 tried to grab it from me and we fought for a moment before he coughed up blood that flew onto my face. I was instantly sickened as I watched the boy fall to the ground with a knife in his back.

I saw the girl from 2 with her deadly aim look at me and I knew she was heading towards me. I took the bag and fled only deflecting the knife by using the bag as a shield. I grinned mentally thanking her for the knife, which would be a good weapon. I took one last look at the battlefield. Already there was terrible hacking of at least a dozen people and several bodies. I turned and continued deep into the woods. I ran for hours trying to get away from the bloodbath.

My next task was to find water. When I heard the cannons play later in the day I started to think about whom was left. I considered if Peeta was still alive. I would know when they put the faces in the sky. I was suddenly overwhelmed by the thought of his death. That he might be already lost bled white and transported to the Capitol to be put in a casket and sent home. No longer in the arena. I tried to remember if I had seen him after the shake of his head. I tried telling myself it was better this way. I wouldn't have to kill him and he had no chance without confidence.

I slumped down on the ground exhausted. I began looking through the pack wincing at the garish color. Just like the Capitol. I would have to camouflage it. There was a sleeping bag, some crackers, dried beef, a bottle of iodine, matches, some wire, a pair of glasses and a bottle, which was sadly empty. I suddenly realized how thirsty I was. Then I thought a horrible thought. What if the only source of water was the lake that the Careers guarded?

At last, I settled for the night in a tree belting myself in the sleeping bag to a tree. I looked up as the Anthem began playing. To my relief, Peeta's face was not projected on the sky. I told myself my relief was because Peeta's winning would be better for my mother and Prim if I couldn't. But there was a tangle of emotion. The gratitude at his interview giving me such an advantage, the annoyance at his superior attitude on the roof and the fear that we would face each other all rolled around inside of me.

I had only slept a short time when I was awakened by the sound of a fire. I wanted to swear like a coal miner. What kind of stupid person would light a fire when it would be a piece of cake for a Career or frankly anyone to eliminate you? I was so angry I strongly considered killing my neighbor myself. Stupid people are dangerous.

I heard the Careers coming crowing about their accomplishments. I could hear the boy from 2 talking about clearing out so that they can collect the body. Then they started heading towards my tree. I was well concealed but they stopped right underneath me. If they looked up they might spot me.

I heard them arguing about why the cannon wasn't fired and if she was dead. Then I heard a voice say, "We're wasting time. I'll go finish her off and then let's move on."

I knew that voice. It belonged to none other than Peeta Mellark. I was securely belted in otherwise I might have fallen out.

I heard Cato, the boy from 2, call Peeta "Lover Boy" and order him back to check. His face was covered in bruises and he had a bandage on his arm and a limp. I remembered his shake of his head and how he had directly disobeyed Haymitch's instructions. I could understand that. I was tempted to run and grab supplies. But this was different. It was teaming up with the Careers to hunt the rest down. Everyone in District 12 knew what Careers were like. They were vicious, brutal and the pampered pets of the Capitol.

I remembered the way he lectured me about proper behavior on the roof. It was just one more of his ingenious games with me. But this would be his last. I would watch for his death with eagerness if I didn't kill him first. I head the Careers talk about killing him and then decide to keep him alive, as he was "handy with a knife." I was a bit surprised by that but then again I was learning a lot about my district partner. I heard them talk about how he might be able to lure me into their clutches. They made me out to be a silly little girl. I heard Peeta return and then the cannon fired signifying the girl's death. The Careers move away from me and I gave a sigh of relief finally able to move.

I felt like a fool. Not only was Peeta joining the Careers which was considered dishonorable he was also betraying me to them. He must have been laughing his head off at my actually believing his story. And yet… He hadn't told them about my skill with a bow. Was it because he was afraid they would kill him once they learned the information? Or was it part of his strategy? To continue the star-crossed lover act. I had clearly misjudged his intelligence and cunning. Perhaps he had a real chance at the Games. After they killed me and maybe Thresh he could escape and then slowly wait them out exploiting their weakness until there was only one or two left. It was a heartless strategy but the Capitol would applaud his ingenuity. But more than likely the Careers would kill him. It didn't matter. Any connection between us I had fancied might have been there was gone.

I decided I needed to play along for the cameras. They would naturally wonder what was going on. I decided I had to pretend this was a strategy we planned. I paused and looked up at the trees before tilting my head to the side and giving a coy smile to the camera. I kept my emotions in check as I have always done but I wondered what the Capitol commentators would be saying. Would they think him a traitor? Would that affect our chances of sponsors?

But soon the most pressing concern was finding water. I could feel the dehydration set in. My head ached, my mouth was papery and the sun hurt my eyes. I was even tempted to eat some berries but the cardinal rule of being in the woods was to never eat anything suspicious. My father had taught me that and the edible plant instructor had repeated that.

I tried to sleep too thirsty to even worry about other tributes. The next morning was even worse. I could barely move with pain in every limb. I was clumsy and loud and my mind felt clouded. I began to think of Haymitch then. Surely he had enough money to send me water. I said "water" to the sky but there was no sign of a parachute. Was he just angry with me for not listening or was he drunk again? At last, I decided he was trying to force me to find it myself.

I stood up again and stumbled along. I thought of Prim, Posy, Vic, and Rory. I knew they would probably be in school and not see my death. But the idea of Prim seeing me gasp my last breath of dehydration was terrifying. I could feel my heart fluttering my brain beginning to shut down. I fell to the ground and knew I was dying. The ground was cooler and it smelled like lilies. I felt mud under my fingertips.

Then my eyes flew open. Mud! Mud meant water. I crawled forward and found the pond. I set the water bottles aside to purify and waited the interminably long half an hour and then take my first delicious sip of water. By the time night fell I was feeling nearly normal. The water gave me a new lease on life.

I had just settled down to bed when I heard a roaring sound and the tramping of many feet. I looked around me. A wall of fire was heading right towards me. I was belted in so I couldn't run. I finally got myself free and fell to the ground shoving the belt into my bag and ran. Every animal in the forest was heading away from the fire. The heat was intense and the smoke was suffocating. I choked barely able to stand it. I knew the fire was a Gamemaker's invention. No normal fire spread so neatly. It must have been boring yesterday with no deaths. I began to vomit from the smoke but force myself onward.

I had just begun to formulate a plan when the first fireball hit. I began dodging them as they flew among the trees. I had no time to hesitate. I reacted moving each time without thinking. Finally, I began to move beyond the line of attack but began retching as the poison worked its way through my system. Then a fireball came and I wasn't able to react in time.

The pain seared through me. I had sense enough to roll around on the ground to stifle the fire. I thought then of Cinna's costume and how the Gamemakers must be laughing. But the Gamemakers didn't want to kill me so soon. A death by fire was far less exciting than my being chopped into pieces. Burns had always been a particular hatred of mine but this was the worst I had ever experienced. I finally found a pool of water and the coolness brought a measure of relief. I tried to remember what my mother used to do about burns. I sat up and looked at the burn on my leg. It was bright red and welted. The water helped but it forced me to stay near the pool.

I heard the Careers coming after me that evening. I barely had time to do anything but stumble away. I begin climbing a tree despite the intense pain in my hands and leg. As they approached I was twenty feet in the air staring down at them. The fire obviously affected them.

Then it occurred to me that for the first time my height and light body was an advantage. Gale never could climb trees due to his weight so I always did the climbing. Even the smallest Career must have been fifty pounds heavier than me. I smiled at them and asked them how they were doing as if it was a social call. I even taunted them to climb the tree. The girl from 1 had the precious bow and arrows. My bow and arrows. I felt a surge of rage at Peeta for distracting me. I glanced at him but he was polishing his knife and avoiding my gaze. Good. I would have killed him in an instant if I had those arrows. I remembered a story my father had told me about the famous general hundreds of years ago who betrayed his country to the enemy and ever afterward the term became known as "Benedict Arnold." That was what Peeta was to me.

Cato tried to get me but he was so heavy and obviously knew nothing about tree climbing. I was always as nimble as a squirrel and Gale used to tease me by calling me a squirrel and tugging on my braid and calling it a tail. It was more than my weight. It required real skill to know where to put your hands and feet. Cato ended up falling to the ground swearing and screaming. Then the girl Glimmer began trying to climb but gave up after a few attempts. Her skills with the bow were ludicrous. She couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

The Careers had reached a checkmate and they began to mutter ominously amongst themselves. Then I heard Peeta say, "Let her stay there. She's not going anywhere. Deal with her in the morning."

I sat down on a branch suddenly aware of the pain in my leg. I prepared for bed but was so weak from the pain. I couldn't sleep with the ache in my burns. I stared into the darkness and suddenly caught sight of eyes staring at me. The face I came to recognize. It was Rue. The little girl who reminded me of Prim. She was so quiet no one noticed her. Then she pointed to something above my head. Tracker Jackers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter once again follows pretty closely to the books as most of the Arena stuff does. But I'm trying to pass more quickly over things like the fire ball incident and others. I know that Katniss knowing about American History seems a little unusual but I have trouble believing that all stories from America would just disappear. I think at least in oral traditions terms and phrases would remain. Katniss's father always struck me as being unusually well informed especially through stories and songs. I'm personally interested in how Peeta got in with the Careers. Did he kill someone other than the girl from 8? Perhaps I'll explore my own headcanons later on down the road.


	7. Chapter 7 Tracker Jackers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss is stuck in a tree but little Rue shows her the Tracker Jackers. With a new ally and the question of whether Peeta Mellark really saved her life put aside Katniss focuses on beating the Careers.

Tracker Jackers were invented as a mutation during the Dark Days. Just a few stings could kill you and even if you survived the hallucinations caused madness. They also tracked their victims for the kill. Occasionally I found them hunting. Whenever we did Gale and I left them well enough alone.

I began to think about what I could do with the nest. If I started sawing off the branch during the anthem would it cover the sound so the Careers wouldn't flee? When I examined the nest, the tracker jackers moved slowly as if they were drugged. It must have been the smoke that sedated them.

As the anthem played I began sawing. The pain was intense. But I was not finished when it stopped playing. I was forced to give up and climb back to my supplies. But there was my first sponsor gift. A pot of burn cream from the Capitol. It was clearly expensive and felt like heaven on my burns. I was even able to eat a bit of food. The Careers were asleep, even Glimmer who was supposed to be a guard. I warned Rue who scurried off. If any tribute most resembled a squirrel it had to be her. She was absolutely brilliant at it.

As dawn broke I began to saw. I saw the tracker jackers moving and realized they were beginning to wake up. I began to cut and then felt the pain of a sting. Still, I continued and then pushed the branch away. It crashed to the ground and burst open but not before I was stung two more times. I pulled the stingers out grateful that more didn't attack me.

The Careers below were moving frantically. Peeta and the others were heading for the lake. But Glimmer and the girl from 4 were not able to make it. Glimmer screamed and cried for help but it never came. She twitched and then went still. As I climbed down and began to run in the opposite direction the poison began to affect me. The stings swelled up into orange sized welts and green liquid oozed out. Then I thought of the bow. The bow.

Somehow I staggered back to her body. I had to get there before they removed her body. I saw her body, once so beautiful, now hideous with swollen limbs, green pus and hands holding the bow in a vice-like grip. I had to break her fingers to remove it. The flesh seemed to disintegrate as I pulled it away.

I couldn't be sure what was real or not. I felt so sick that it took everything in me not to throw up. The hovercraft appeared for the girl from 4 and I realized time was running out. I finally managed to roll her over but the hallucinations were so bad I couldn't tell what was real or not. I grabbed the arrows and was about to get up when I heard footsteps.

It was the Careers. I was totally helpless from the tracker jackers unable to move. Then I saw Peeta's face. He yelled at me to run but his body was sparkling like glitter was covering him. He prodded me with the spear. "Are you crazy? Run. Get up."

He kept yelling at me and shoved me forward. I could hear Cato then coming towards us with a sword. I, at last, roused myself and ran back into the woods and the pool of water I had abandoned. The world around me changed. I saw butterflies grow and then shatter, blood came from trees, ants crawl into my eyes, large orange bubbles that hummed. But as disoriented as I was my last conscious thought was Peeta Mellark saved my life.

The nightmares were horrible. All my worst fears seemed to come alive with vivid realism. Each one was worse than the rest. I saw Prim, my father die a thousand times. I felt my one body ripped to shreds. Tracker jacker venom was designed to target the place where fear lived in your brain.

When at last they pass I sat up realizing that the ants in my eyes never existed. The pain in my limbs was intense but I slowly drank some water and revived. I didn't know how much time had passed or who had died since I had been unconscious. I remembered as I ate a little honeysuckle nectar my woods at home. I remembered the conversation with Gale about fleeing the district.

Oh, how I wished I had. Prim, I and my whole family would be safe. I wouldn't be in this nightmare. But then I remembered Peeta and how he had saved my life. I wasn't sure if he actually had or I had imagined it. Was it just an angle for the sponsors or was he genuinely trying to help me? It made no sense for him to join the Careers.

I began to wonder how my father would have viewed the situation. He was always a keen judge of both people and animals. But the idea of my father was too painful. I began to think of Gale because next to my father he was always the best at knowing survival skills. But I suspected he would have a lot of choice things to say about Peeta Mellark and Merchant boys in general. He would probably say that he was just using me.

I decided that worrying about what my long-dead father and far distant cousin were thinking was pointless. Instead, I smiled and touched the bow and arrows. There was no slime but there was blood which I carefully washed off. I began to feel like a hunter again. I could finally defend myself.

I could feel how much weight I had lost and I needed more water. I killed a rabbit on the way to a stream with my bow feeling pride at the first kill in the arena. I even had a chance to take a little bath. I had just set the rabbit and odd looking bird on my tiny fire when I heard a noise behind me.

I saw Rue and smiled. She was so silent that she reminded me of a shadow. I suspected Rue would make an excellent hunting partner. I offered to be her ally despite the voice in my head telling me that Haymitch was probably cringing as I did so. Joining with a tiny twelve-year-old was probably not the most intelligent thing in terms of survival. But it had been Rue who had saved me with the tracker jackers and she had stayed alive this long which was no easy thing. Rue was surprised at my offer but came forward and accepted the food I offered her.

"I can help you with the stings." She reached into her pack and pulled out some leaves which she proceeded to chew into a paste. I was sure my mother was disgusted with the lack of sanitation but in the Games, we had to do with what we had. But the instant relief made me laugh. I gave Rue some medicine for her burn in exchange for her help.

We began to eat with relish and I noticed how Rue looked at the meat which she said she rarely ate. I gave her as much as she could stomach as I knew I could hunt for more. I was surprised when she told me that she couldn't eat any of the food they grew in District 11. She even told me that whippings were common practice and that the mayor often ordered it as a routine practice. Madge's father never seemed the sort for violence like that. The only time I knew of whippings it was for serious crimes like breaking into homes or rape. Perhaps District 12 wasn't so bad. Gale and I as well as my father before us could have been whipped or even killed if we lived in another district. Perhaps being the least important district had its advantage. I was also surprised to learn that during harvest and planting times the children didn't go to school but instead worked the crops. Knowing about the other districts was interesting. But even the most harmless information was censored by the Capitol. Perhaps Gale in his many rants against the Capitol was right about the way they divided us.

Rue knew all about the plants and berries around us and I became very glad that she was my ally. She was clever and resourceful and when I showed her the strange sunglasses that had made it hard to see she instantly placed them on my face and said excitedly, "Where did you get these?"

"They aren't very useful. I can't see with them." I grumbled.

"They're for the nighttime. We sometimes get them passed out during harvest so we can work past sundown. Once a boy who was not right in the head tried to take them for a toy. He was like a three-year-old in his mind. They killed him right on the spot."

I felt suddenly very glad to live in 12. While we might die of starvation on a regular basis none of the Peacekeepers would have shot such a child. Greasy Sae's little granddaughter was similar but everyone treated her like a small pet.

Rue and I settled in the trees and I offered to have her share my sleeping bag. She snuggled against me with a sigh. I then asked her the question that had been preying on my mind since I awoke. I kept my voice low and cover my mouth so the audience couldn't hear me. I asked her who had died since I had been out.

"Just the girls from 1 and 4. There's ten of us now."

"It might have been the tracker jackers but I'm sure I remember that the boy from my District… Peeta saved my life. But he was with the Careers."

"Not anymore. I spied on their camp. I bet he had to run." Rue replied confidently.

I was silent. If he did save me I was in his debt yet again. And it was the kind of debt I couldn't pay back. "I guess it's all part of the act. The one to make people think he loves me."

"Oh. I didn't think it was an act." Rue's voice sounded surprised.

"Of course it is. He worked it out with our mentor." I replied more confidently than I felt. Surely trying to save my life, if he did it, was just because he was being kind.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" she asked me more loudly. Clearly, she meant this for the audience to hear.

I hesitated. I hated the idea of the Capitol knowing anything about me but I had to keep up the Star-Crossed lovers routine at least until I had a better plan. "No, I don't."

"Well, then I guess he has a chance." She said with a giggle. I rolled my eyes. Prim would have said something similar.

Rue settled against me and fell asleep. I trusted her since she had already saved my life. I knew that both of us couldn't win but more than likely neither of us would win. Rue's conversation about the Careers not being hungry stirred something inside of me. A whisper of an idea began forming in my mind. We needed to destroy the Career's supplies. That would take out one of their main advantages. In games where it was eliminated the non-career tributes tended to win. For one thing, they were better at finding their own food and knew how to starve. I remembered how my father had described tracking game. Looking for their prey and knowing that they weren't far behind. Gale's uncanny ability to set snares just where they were most likely to catch prey. I needed to treat this as a hunting problem.

There was a cannon blowing early in the morning that woke me up. Rue and I listened and I couldn't help but wonder if the death was Peeta. The only good thing about a death was that it would hold the Gamemakers from sending more tricks. Then I began unveiling my plan to Rue. She proved to be very different from Prim in this respect. She loved adventures, unlike Prim who hated them. Her eyes gleamed with excitement as we began plotting. Rue was observant and her information about the Career camp was invaluable. She told me that the boy from 3 was guarding the camp which struck me as odd since he was not very strong for a guard. She also told me the food was just lying in the open.

"But what are you going to do with the food once we get it?"

"Burn it. Destroy it. Eat it. But seriously its much easier to destroy things than make them."

I learned more about Rue as we gathered roots and berries. Rue was the oldest of five and very protective of her little brothers and sisters, giving them extra food and foraging despite the dangers. She loved music even though to me it was pointless and impractical. She loved mockingjays and said she had befriended a few. She taught me a little four-note song they used in District 11 to indicate the end of the day. I even tried giving her my pin since it was clear she had more attachment to it than I did. But she told me that the pin made her feel she could trust me and that she already had a good luck charm.

We decided to meet for dinner later in the day. Just as I was setting off Rue gave me a little hug. I returned it after a second. As I headed to the stream I felt anxiety rise in me. I was worried about her being killed but also about us being the final two. About having to decide if leaving Prim and my mother was worth it for Rue's sake. But Rue's family didn't have Gale or a baker offering to help them. Rue needed me. I began to wonder about Peeta too. Was he dead and if he was how did it happen? Was it because he had tried to help me?

I reached the Career camp and disguised myself in the bushes to watch. The only surprise was the boy from 3. What was he doing here? He hadn't been impressive at all. The Careers still looked like they were suffering from the Tracker Jackers as the remedies they had weren't as effective as mine and Rue's homegrown ones. The odd setup of the pyramid for the supplies puzzled me. Just as I was watching Cato noticed the first fire Rue set. They set off in search of it leaving the boy to watch. I did overhear Cato talk about how Peeta was badly injured and unlikely to do them any harm. Cato also made a mention of killing "her" in his own way. I shivered knowing he had to be talking about me.

I began looking at the camp trying to figure how to disable it. As I was waiting I saw a figure emerge and began picking her way to the supplies with an odd jumping step. The girl was Foxface and it was clear that she was absolutely brilliant at this strategy. Then I realized that the Careers had mined the supplies and were probably using the boy from 3 and his expert knowledge of electronics. They must have used the mines from the launch plates.

The bag of apples tempted me and I shot one arrow into the bag. The third arrow did the trick and sent the apples barreling to the ground and setting off the mines. I was thrown back by the explosion. At least I knew one thing. I blew up the supplies.

I managed to protect myself from the blast a little and when things calmed down I peeked at my handiwork. There wasn't a chance that the Careers would be able to save any of it. I got up trying to escape. But the ground seemed to sway under my feet and I ended up falling. I need to get out of there before they came back. Then I noticed that my left ear was bleeding. Panic filled me. I needed perfect hearing just as much as I needed perfect sight. To hunt you needed to use your hearing. I tried to school my emotions so the cameras wouldn't pick up my feelings. I also put my hood up so the blood wouldn't leave a trail.

I had barely made it to the bushes when Cato flew past absolutely beside himself with rage. I began shaking with fear. Cato turned on the boy from 3 and snapped his neck in an instant. The Careers seemed to decide that the person who exploaded the mines was killed in the explosion. But once the faces in the sky appeared they would know that the fugitive was still at large. I thought of Rue but was content that she was still alive.

When I awoke the next morning after a long and freezing night the morning was well on. I began to regain hearing in my right ear overnight. Foxface was combing through the wreckage and I thought briefly about enlisting her as an ally. But there was something sly about the girl that made me think that she would be dangerous to get close to. I headed back to the stream and washed my ear of the blood. The loss of hearing made me dizzy and disoriented. When I returned to the spot I was supposed to meet Rue there was no trace of her. I climbed a tree to wait for her. But still she didn't come and I decided to check at the spot for the third fire.

But there I realized something was wrong. The wood was never kindled. She never reached this spot. I began to wonder if I had missed the canon. I began working my way to the second fire looking for her. Then I heard her little song. I repeated it back smiling. She was safe.

Then I heard a scream. It was the sound of a small girl. I began to run despite the danger that this was a trap. I could hear my name being called and I call her's back. I hoped that they would turn their sights on me, the girl with the eleven instead of her. When I reached her she was in a net. I had just touched it when the spear entered her body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again this is pretty similar to the book. Ugh, writing the Rue bits was painful. She's such a sweetheart. I love how Rue's the first Everlark shipper ever. I really like how Collins describes Tracker Jacker venom as it is similar to what happens in Mockingjay. It's clear how Peeta saved Katniss's life when Cato came back to find her despite her having thrown the Tracker Jackers on his head. If Cato had caught her he would have killed her for sure.


	8. Chapter 8 Tragedies and New Allies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss loses a friend, makes a stand, the rules of engagement change and teams up with her district partner.

I had shot the boy from District 1 before he could remove the spear. Rue was curled on her side and I stopped to examine the wound. The spear was buried in her stomach and one look revealed that it was hopeless. Rue looked at me and knew that she was dying. I grabbed her hand and held it for comfort. Then I told her that I blew up the food. She smiled a bit.

"You have to win." She said solemnly.

"I will. For both of us." I heard the cannon for the boy from 1. Then I pulled her head on my lap and stroked her hair.

"Sing for me." She murmured softly. I hesitated. Long ago my father and I used to sing. But when he died I stopped singing. Once in a while, I would sing for Prim when she was sick or Posy when she was small and fractious. But this was like Prim's last request. I cleared my throat of tears and began singing an old lullaby.

Rue's eyes closed and I could feel the tears rolling down my face but I was determined to finish the song. Then her cannon fired. I kissed her temple and prepared to move away so they could collect the bodies. I took her pack knowing she would have wanted that and desiring to keep a bit of her with me.

As I looked at her I remembered Gale's rants against the Capitol. They no longer seemed pointless. My own hopeless rage against them rose in my throat. There was nothing I could do to revenge Rue's death. Then I remembered Peeta's words about being more than a piece in their games. And for the first time, I started to understand. Impulsively I darted to a patch of flowers and began decorating Rue's body. They would have to show this as they collected the body. Everyone would know what I did. How I stood up to them. I raised my hand in the three-fingered solute as I whispered goodbye.

As I walked away I could hear the mockingjays repeating her song. The song that she was safe. And I guess she was safe now. I wandered aimlessly knowing I was a prime target. I felt such rage at her death that I would have killed anyone in my path without flinching. I hated the Capitol but I also hated my fellow tributes especially the Careers. They would pay for her death.

I got a loaf of bread from District 11. I thought of their poverty and how expensive this single loaf was. They must have planned to give it to her. But instead, they gave it to me. How odd? I didn't even know you could do it. I looked up to the sky and thanked them for their gift.

I had a happy dream that night. I dreamed of Rue covered in flowers singing to the mockingjays. The dream left me happy for a few blissful seconds before reality struck. The few brief bits of happiness made the reality worse. The sadness weighed me down making it impossible to move or do anything. It was only the idea of Prim watching me like this that forced me to rise. I drank some water, packed my belongings and ate some food. I hunted for goosling and then cooked them not caring if Cato came upon me. Let him come. I would be waiting. I wondered if they knew it was I who blew up their supplies. The one they probably don't suspect was Peeta who was apparently mortally injured. I wished suddenly that I could tell him about what I did to Rue. Perhaps if he won he would see it. But I had to win. For Rue more than anyone else. I was determined to avenge her death. To make people remember her.

I at last settled in for bed only then realizing that I had made my first kill. Technically I was responsible for Glimmer's and the girl from 4 but it felt more remote. I remembered Gale's words about hunting people. But I felt different about this. I thought that perhaps the boy had friends, family even a lover. But then Rue's face flashed in front of my mind and I felt different. I heard the sound of trumpets indicating a special announcement. I heard Claudius Templesmith's voice congratulating us. And then he said something staggering. There was a rule change. That was unusual. Normally there were no real rules to the games. Two tributes could be crowd victor as long as they were from the same district and the last survivors.

For a moment I didn't comprehend what they said. Then I found myself crying out against my will, "Peeta."

I tried to recall the words as soon as I said them. What if someone heard me? But there weren't very many lefts. Only six. Peeta was now my ally. No matter my personal feelings I was obligated to try to find him since anyone watching would hate anyone who refused after such an announcement. I needed the Star-Crossed lovers routine anyway. Peeta must have been playing that strategy all along. That must have been why the Gamemakers changed the rules. It must have been popular in the Capitol. It was all Peeta's doing too. He must have been portraying himself to them as trying to save me. He had been helping me all along. I smiled at the thought and let the cameras see my face.

I forced myself to go to sleep though a large part of me wanted to try to go find Peeta right away. I ate my breakfast and get ready to go. I knew I needed to be extra careful. The Careers would suspect I was trying to find him and if he was in as bad shape as described he would have to be protected. How had he survived a stabbing and the tracker jackers? He had to have water so I headed for the stream. I was nearly ready to give up and try another tactic when I saw blood on the rocks. I searched in vain and then called out his name. I was about to keep on walking when I hear it.

"Come to finish me off, sweetheart." I wheeled around seeing no one. The statement was so Peeta like but I could not see him.

"Where are you?" I whispered. I took another step forward.

"Don't step on me." The voice came again but so near at hand that it felt as if it was under my feet. Still, I saw nothing. Then his eyes opened and I saw the clear blue contrasting against the brown and green. I gasped in surprise and saw a hint of white teeth as he laughed. It was a brilliant camouflage job. I had been a bit dismissive of camouflage but clearly, I had been wrong. He ought to have done it for his private sessions. He might have gotten the eleven.

"I guess cake decorating really is a survival skill." I knelt beside him.

"Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying." He actually smiled.

"You're not dying," I replied harshly. For some reason, the idea didn't sit well with me.

"Says who." His voice was beginning to sound weak with strain.

"I do. We're teammates." I gave him some water.

"I've heard. Nice to see what's left of me." He coughed as he drank and indicated the spot Cato had cut him.

"I need to wash you off and look at that wound," I said trying to look as if this was perfectly normal.

"Lean down. I need to say something." I complied putting my right ear to his lips and felt the tickle of his breath, "We're madly in love, remember. It's all right to kiss me anytime."

I ended up laughing. The fact that he was half dead and still able to make jokes impressed me. I wouldn't have been able to do that. Then again I wasn't very good at making jokes period. "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."

I set to work helping him to the stream to wash off his muddy clothing and examine his wound. It was only a couple of feet away but he was unable to move and he was so weak that it took all of his strength not to resist me. I tried to drag him but he couldn't help cry out in pain. The mud glued him into place and it took a gigantic push on my part to get him free. I looked at his face streaked with tears and the way he gritted his teeth and sighed. This wouldn't be easy.

"I'm going to have to roll you to the stream. It's very shallow."

"Ok." I knelt down and determined that I would get him into the stream no matter what. I counted slowly but I kept having to stop because of the horrible keening sound he was making. I, at last, decide that the stream bank was good enough. I told him that I was done with the rolling which he seemed relieved about and asked him to be on the lookout for danger while I tried cleaning his wounds.

He was so covered in mud I didn't even know if he was wearing clothes but I persevered. I began pouring bottle after bottle over him until I reached his clothing. I removed his jacket and shirt gently but I had to cut his undershirt away as it was stuck to his wounds. His chest was burned with at least four tracker jacker stings. This much I could deal with. I notice the paleness of his skin and how much weight he had lost. I removed the stingers, applied Rue's leaves and some burn cream. I touched his skin and noticed how hot he was. That was not good. I managed to get some fever pills down him. I frowned when he mentioned he wasn't hungry. He refused some groosling.

"Peeta, you need food." I prodded.

"I can't. I'll just throw it up." I did manage to get him to eat a bit of dried fruit. "Thanks. I'm much better. I just want to sleep."

"Soon. But I need to look at your leg first." I tried to be gently removing his boots, socks, and pants but it was difficult. I could see the tear in the cloth but until I saw underneath I wasn't prepared for how bad his injury was. The gash was heavily inflamed and filled with blood and pus. There was an awful smell.

I wanted to run away. I had never been good with nursing and turned sick at the slightest injury. I could barely handle taking care of someone ill with a relatively minor illness like the flu with all the vomit and other bodily fluids. Prim, on the other hand, could face any of that without flinching even when small. I attempted to emulate my mother's calm demeanor.

"It's pretty bad, isn't it." Peeta was watching me closely.

I shrugged noncommittally. " You should see some of the people they bring my mom." I didn't mention I usually made a beeline for the door and went to the woods to wait it out. Gale used to tease me about my squeamishness. As the oldest of four with a bunch of young and frequently sick siblings, he had done his share of cleaning up disgusting messes. He used to threaten to make me take care of Vic and Rory when they were sick.

I left on his underwear because I didn't think it would be good to pull them over the wound but I knew in my heart it was because the idea of seeing him naked made me uncomfortable. Prim and my mother didn't care about nakedness at all. I on the other hand always got embarrassed. I actually for the first time wished Prim was here beside me. She could take of Peeta while I hunted and watched for danger.

The wound only looked worse as I cleaned it. "We need to give it some air and then…" I trailed off not knowing what to do.

"And then you'll patch it up." Peeta finished. But I felt as if he said that for my benefit more than his. As if he actually felt sorry for me and knew how out of my depth I was.

"Yes, now you need to eat this." I put some more dried fruit in his hand and washed the rest of his clothes. I then looked at the first aid kit again hoping there was something there that would help me. But nothing there would treat an injury this severe.

"We have to experiment a bit," I confessed. I took the leaves for the tracker jackers and placed it on the wound. Pus began to billow out of the wound. Nausea surged through me and I fought to keep myself from throwing up.

"Katniss," Peeta looked at me sympathetically and actually mouthed the words, "How bout that kiss?"

I began to laugh because this whole situation was so disgusting and somehow he was making a joke of it all. Trying to make me feel better. "I'm not good at his. I'm not like my mother. I'm not sure what I'm doing and I hate pus and ugh.." I let myself gag a little at the revolting leaves I washed away and replied. "Yuck."

"How can you hunt?" he asked me quizzically. I'm sure he didn't think the fierce Katniss Everdeen could be brought down with a little pus.

"Trust me killing things is easier than this. Although who knows I could be killing you." I replied.

"Could you speed it up then?" he asked.

"No, shut up and eat your pears," I replied.

Finally, after three rounds of leaves and a bucket of pus, the swelling went down. I saw that the knife had gone straight to the bone. That wasn't good.

"So what's next, Doc." He asked.

"I'll put some burn cream. It might help with the infection and then wrap it up." But when I put the bandage on his underwear look filthy. I sighed. They would have to be cleaned. I took Rue's pack and handed it to him. "Here, cover yourself. I need to wash these."

"Oh, I don't care if you see me," Peeta replied. I rolled my eyes. I was sure he didn't. Teenage boys weren't known for being squeamish about nudity. Vic and Rory routinely stripped naked on hot days and ran around the house much to poor Aunt Hazelle's disgust. But mainly she worried about all the damage they could get themselves into.

"You're like the rest of my family. But I care, all right." I turned my back and the shorts landed in the stream. Perhaps the fact that he could throw was a good sign.

"You're kinds squeamish for such a lethal person," Peeta commented. "I should have let you give Haymitch that shower after all."

I sighed not entirely liking how he was making fun of me on TV. I never did well with teasing. Even when my family teased me I got angry. But I supposed that getting angry wouldn't do for the Star-Crossed Lovers thing and besides he was too sick to be yelled at.

"Has he sent you anything?" I questioned.

"No, he hasn't. Did you get anything."

"Burn medicine. And some bread." I felt a little guilty. All that time of me hating Peeta for joining the Careers and he was trying to help me. And Haymitch didn't send him a thing.

"I always knew he liked you better."

"Please. He hates me. Can't stand to be in the same room."

"Probably because you are alike," Peeta muttered. I wondered if he was angry at Haymitch. I certainly would have been. But I didn't insult Haymitch because we really needed him. I let Peeta sleep a bit but as the afternoon drew to a close I roused him.

"Peeta, we need to go."

"Go. Go where." He was confused.

"Somewhere we can hide till you are better," I said. I helped him dress and try to get him to stand. It was nearly impossible to get him more than fifty yards before he looked about ready to pass out. We were forced to rest and I put his head between his legs in a gesture my mother had said prevented fainting. I would have loved to climb a tree but he wouldn't be able to get up there. I finally spotted a cave and half carry him to it. I would have preferred something safer but this would have to do. His face was as white as a sheet and he was panting and shivering with fever and exhaustion.

I tucked him into my sleeping bag and tried to get him to eat but he refused only accepting some water and medicine. I tried to cover the opening but it looked obviously fake and I gave up.

"Katniss," I went over to him and brushed the hair from his forehead in an uncharacteristically tender gesture. " Thanks for finding me."

"You would have done the same," I replied frowning at the heat radiating from him. The medicine seemed to not be working. I began to worry that he was dying.

"Look if I don't make it back." He started.

"No, we aren't talking that way. I didn't drain all that disgusting pus for you to die on me." I said firmly.

"I know. But in case I don't." He tried to continue.

"No, we aren't discussing it. Do you hear me." I put a finger over his mouth to stop the flow of words.

"But.." he tried again. He was persistent.

Impulsively I leaned forward and pressed my mouth to his shutting off any attempt at words. It was probably overdue since we were supposed to be in love and all that. It was my first kiss and I supposed I ought to have felt something but all I noticed was how hot his lips were from fever. I briefly wondered what my family was thinking. They probably didn't know about it being my first kiss. Except for Prim. She was always complaining about my lack of interest in boys. I pulled the sleeping bag over him and tuck it around him. "You're not going to die. I forbid it."

"All right." He whispered obediently. His eyes were shining perhaps with fever.

I stepped outside and saw the parachute. I ran toward it hoping for some real medicine. Capitol medicine could heal him within hours. But instead, all I found was broth. Clearly, Haymitch was telling me that one kiss equaled one pot of broth. I could hear him saying, "You're supposed to be in love. The kid's dying. I need something to work with."

He was right of course. If I wanted to save Peeta I need to give the audience a show. Star-crossed lovers desperate to go home together. Two hearts beating as one. Romance. I wrinkled my nose. I despised romance. The only kind of love I knew was the kind I felt for Prim and my family. I had never been in love or even really experienced crushes on boys. I had spent so much time trying to keep everyone alive I hadn't had time. Besides I had no desire to ever marry. I ended up thinking of my parents since they were the only in-love couple I knew intimately. I thought of his bringing her gifts from the woods. The way my mother looked when he came in. The horrible way she ceased to live herself when he died.

"Peeta," I said trying to emulate the tone she used only with my father. It sounded high pitched and unnatural to me. I wondered what Prim would think. Would she shake her head at my hopeless attempts at flirtation? He had dozed off but I kissed him awake. He smiled at me as if he would be happy to look at me forever. He was so good at this stuff. I vaguely remember him being in some sort of school play once. That's probably why he was so talented at acting. I, on the other hand, couldn't act to save my life.

I held up the pot. "Peeta, look at what Haymitch sent you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rue's death is one of the saddest moments in the whole series. And it has such impact on what happens later. Perhaps there wouldn't have been a revolution if not for her death and the way Katniss memorializes her.  
> And we get the start of all the cave scenes. Yay. I didn't really change a lot because frankly its pretty perfect all on its own. Poor Katniss being all squeamish, Peeta being all casual and her attempts to figure out how to play the game. And the idea of Peeta being a theatre nerd really appeals to me. As does Vic and Rory just stripping like Johanna.


	9. Chapter 9 The Cave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta are holed up in the cave and Katniss is trying to nurse him back to health. But she is about to embark on her most dangerous mission yet; getting the medicine he needs at the Feast.

Getting the broth into Peeta took a lot of effort. I coaxed, begged, threatened and cajoled him to take each bite. And I was forced to ply him with kisses as well. I remembered my mother trying that tactic once when my father was very ill with something. At last, I got the horrid stuff down his throat and he fell asleep again. I ate my own supper watching the sky. There were no deaths and hoped that we had given them an interesting enough show that they would send in some Gamemaker's trick. I wanted to go and climb a tree to sleep when I remembered that I could hardly leave Peeta alone.

I crawled into the cave and finally gave in and slid into the sleeping bag with Peeta. It was warm inside, almost hot, despite the coldness of the arena. It must have been his fever being reflected back in the bag. His forehead was dry and burned my hand. I didn't know what to do? Take him out and hope that the cold outside would lower his fever? Leave him in and hope his fever would break? I wished my mother was here with her healing skills. I at last settled on putting a damp cloth on his head. Doing anything drastic seemed too risky.

I spent much of the night dozing and frequently getting up to refresh the cloth. I knew that allying myself with him put me in more danger. I was on the ground and with only a desperately ill person for company. I had still come after him despite the danger. I only hoped that the impulse that brought me here was worth the risk.

I was a little worried that my family was watching. All that kissing and stroking his cheek trying to get him to eat. My lying next to him in the sleeping bag. I had never slept near anyone except Prim, my mother, and Rue. And Peeta somehow seemed different. My mother probably wouldn't approve. She had already told me I was too young to date although I had not shown any interest in dating. My Aunt Hazelle was even stricter. She had scared the living daylights out of Gale when she caught him kissing some girl in the alley behind his house. I felt sure she was probably shaking her head about all this and on live TV no less. I thought she would understand the killing more than the whole Star-Crossed Lovers routine.

At dawn, I got up and noticed that Peeta's fever had broken. I went outside and gathered some berries which I mashed up for breakfast. Peeta was awake and trying to get up when I came back. "I woke up and you were gone. I was worried about you."

I laughed as I forced him to lie down again, "Umm, have you seen yourself? I'm not the one to worry about."

"I thought Cato and Clove might have come after you. They like hunting at night." He said in a serious tone.

"Who's Clove?" I asked.

"The girl from 2. She's still alive I think," he replied.

"Yes, it's just us, Thresh, Foxface and them. Foxface is the nickname for the girl from 5." I said counting off the tributes in my head. "How are you feeling."

"Much better than yesterday. No more mud. Clean clothes, medicine, a sleeping bag and you." He smiled at me.

Oh, that's right. The whole romance thing. It was such an alien concept to me it was hard to remember. What did romance even feel like? I reached out and touched his cheek and he caught my hand and pressed it to his lips. I remembered my father doing that to my mother and I wondered where Peeta had picked up that romantic gesture. It couldn't have been from his father and the witch. Perhaps he had a girlfriend before though I had never heard of it. Maybe the Cartwright girl. He had mentioned her before with the Avox girl. But he had declared his love for me in front of the whole country.

"No more kisses until you eat," I said as I helped prop him up. He ate a few spoonfuls of the berries but refused the groosling.

"You didn't sleep." He whispered.

"I'm ok," I replied stifling a yawn.

"Sleep now. I'll keep watch. If anything exciting occurs I'll wake you up." I hesitated beginning to feel the pull of sleep but worried that Cato and Clove could come at any time. "Katniss you can't stay up forever."

He was right about that. And it was probably best to sleep when he was alert and still light out. "Ok, but wake me up in a few hours."

I laid down on top of the sleeping bag with my bow and arrow by my side. Peeta reclining against the wall kept his eyes trained on the mouth of the cave. "Go to sleep now." He murmured in the same tone my mother used with me a long time ago. He brushed a strand of hair from my forehead. Unlike all the other kisses and caresses this felt natural. I didn't want him to stop it was so comforting. He kept on repeating the motion until I fell asleep.

I woke up with a start. I knew that I had slept too long as it was now afternoon. Peeta remained in the same position he had been before. I scolded him for not waking me up but he shrugged and said, "There isn't anything going on. Besides I like watching you sleep. You don't scowl so much. Improves your looks."

I ended up scowling even more fiercely but that only made him grin. But his lips appeared cracked and dry. I placed a hand on his forehead and noticed the heat radiating from him like a coal stove. He claimed to have been drinking water but I didn't believe him. I forced more fever pills down and two bottles of water. I then reapplied the burn cream and the leaves to the stings and burns.

But when I unwrapped the wound on his leg my heart sank. It was much worse. The swelling increased and the tight shiny skin had red streaks going up and down. I wasn't a healer like my mother but I knew what it was. Blood poisoning. If not treated it was fatal. And nothing in the Arena could treat it. I would need antibiotics from the Capitol and even if Haymitch had all the sponsors in the world could he buy them? It was late in the games so everything was more expensive.

"Well, the swelling is worse but the pus is gone," I spoke feeling my voice crack.

"I know what blood poisoning is, Katniss. Even if my mother isn't a healer."

"You're just going to have to hold on past everyone else and they'll fix it in the Capitol," I said.

"Yes, that's the plan." He replied brightly. But I knew he was probably saying it to comfort me.

"I'm going to make some soup."

When I came back to the cave it was clear that Peeta was feeling horrible. I put some more cold cloths but they were practically useless. They warmed up as soon as I applied them.

"Do you want anything?" I asked him.

"No," he said. "Thank you. Wait. Could you tell me a story?"

"A story? What about?" I said reluctantly. I wasn't very much for storytelling. Much like singing it was hard for me. But once in awhile Prim forced one out of me. My father had been a wonderful storyteller. Gale oddly enough was also good at telling stories. Our grandfather had been a notable Seam storyteller weaving tales about wizened old ladies on broomsticks, curses and the tiny little creature that inhabited the forest. I had clearly not inherited the Everdeen gift of storytelling.

"Something happy. Tell me about the happiest day of your life." Peeta asked.

I sighed in exasperation. Would do I say? A happy story? That was much more difficult than soup. I racked my brain for good memories. Most of my happiest moments occurred in the woods with my father or Gale. But I could hardly flaunt my breaking of the law to the Capitol in the games. That left Prim as a possible topic of conversation.

"Did I tell you how I got Prim's goat?" I asked. Peeta shook his head and looked at me expectantly. I began the story carefully choosing my words. I knew I had to avoid saying anything that could hurt Gale or Greasy Sae or even the Peacekeepers who bought my meat. They could get in trouble for breaking the law.

The story I told Peeta was that I sold a silver locket for the goat. But the real story involved Gale and I taking down a deer and selling it to the butcher Rooba. After selling the dear (or the locket) we went to the square to buy dress material. I was looking at it when I saw the Goat Man. One of the goats was in a cart and when I came nearer I saw the wound and infection. I told Gale I wanted to buy the goat for Prim. A goat could save your life in the Seam. It could eat anything and gave lots of milk to drink, make into cheese or to sell. Gale was skeptical of wasting money on something that could die on us.

"If that thing dies on you because you feel sentimental you'll be wasting a lot of money. Better go with the dress material. You know that won't die." He told me.

"It won't die. Prim and Mom won't let it. Besides this goat would be a lot more useful than a dress. You can't eat a goat." I said.

The Goat man said he was selling the goat to Rooba but she came in and looked the goat over before deciding not to buy it. But I saw the wink she sent me. We haggled for the price. But at last, we made our deal and led the goat out.

Despite Gale's misgivings about the goat, he was just as excited as I was about seeing the look on Prim's face. I bought a pink ribbon in a giddy fit of joy to tie around the goat's neck. Prim started crying when we brought the goat and then laughing. My mother looked concerned about the injury but set to work healing the goat with medicine and care. It suddenly occurred to me that I had made two such bets in my life. One to buy a clearly ill goat and the other to go find Peeta. I only hoped the second bet would turn out as well as the first.

"They sound like you," Peeta said quietly. I started half-forgetting that he had been there.

"They work magic. That thing couldn't have died if it had tried." The moment the words were out of my mouth I cringed. Peeta must have realized how dire the situation was with him in my incompetent hands.

"Don't worry. I'm not trying. But finish the story." He joked.

"That's it. Except that Prim with Lady on a blanket by the fire. And the goat even gave her a lick on the cheek as if it was giving her a kiss."

"I can see why that day made you happy." He said thoughtfully.

"I knew that goat would be a gold mine," I said.

"Yes, of course, I was referring to the monetary value of the goat rather than the joy your sister had. The sister you love so much that you took her place in the reaping," said Peeta.

"The goat has paid for itself. Several times over." I said in a superior tone. Even Hazelle agreed that the goat was a wise investment. Posy was almost as in love with the goat as Prim and Vic and Rory had promised her they would buy her a goat sometime though I doubted they would ever be able to do that.

"It had to after you saved its life. That's what I intend to do."

"What did you cost me?" I asked raising my eyebrow.

"Trouble. Don't worry. You'll get it all back." He said. His smile looked a little odd and there was an odd teasing lilt in his voice. He sounded more like the Merchant boy I had expected. The Capitol would be eating this up. He was so much better than I at all this stuff.

"You're not making any sense," I said touching his face for fever. It was going up but I said, " You're fever's down though."

I heard the sound of the trumpet and ran to the mouth of the cave. My new best friend Claudius Templesmith was inviting me and the other tributes to a feast. I was about to dismiss it when he informed us that it wasn't just for food. They would be providing the one thing all of us needed. I needed something. The medicine for Peeta's leg. He also grimly told us this would be the only way to get those things.

Peeta said quickly, "No, you're not going. You're not risking your life for me."

"Who said I was?" I said trying to keep my face expressionless.

"So, you're not going?" he asked.

"Give me some credit. Do you think I would get into some fight with Clove and Cato and Thresh." I helped him back to bed and then said, "I'll just let them fight it out and then after we see who's died we can make a plan."

Peeta actually laughed at me, "You're such a bad liar. How did you make it this long? You would be the worst poker player ever." He began to mimic me "your fever's down. Of course, I'm not going." He was right. When I was little I always got caught doing something wrong. Prim, on the other hand, could look up with those innocent blue eyes and get away with anything.

Anger flowed through me and I half shouted, "I'm going and you can't stop me."

"I can follow you. Part of the way at least. I can yell you're name and someone would find me. Then I'll be dead for sure." He sounded serious. I hadn't realized he was this stubborn.

"You wouldn't get anywhere on that leg."

"I'll drag myself. If you go, then I'll go."

I frowned realizing I had just reached a stalemate. He was stubborn enough to try it and if he went shouting in the woods and get attacked by a tribute or animal. Or die of the exertion.

"What am I supposed to do? Sit and watch you die?" I said. The audience would hate that. And I would hate myself too. I had to try at least.

I huffed and pretended to agree, telling him to eat and drink and do what I said. He agreed obediently enough and even praised my soup. I could tell his fever was rising and it made him sound drunk like Haymitch. But I hadn't given up on my plan. I knew enough about illness to know he could last one maybe two days before the infection took him. And then I would be alone again. I would have lost another ally.

I almost didn't see the parachute fall into the stream. I retrieved with an exclamation of surprise and joy. Haymitch had come through after all. He must have done something to raise the astronomical amount of money to buy the medicine. Then I looked at the purplish liquid and smelled it. It was sleep syrup. The stuff was cheap, addictive and common even in District 12. For a moment I wanted to destroy the bottle. What good would it do me? Then it hit me. Haymitch wanted me to knock Peeta out so I could go to the feast. I looked up at the sky and gave my thanks to him and the sponsors who allowed it to occur.

I mashed up berries and poured the syrup into the pot telling Peeta I had found sugar berries. He took the first bite and commented on the sweetness. I bit my lip hoping he would eat them before he thought too much about it. Then he realized the familiar taste. I pressed my hand over his mouth to stop him from throwing the stuff up. Then as he lost consciousness I saw the look in his eyes. I had just done the unforgivable.

"Who can't lie, Peeta?" I whispered though he couldn't hear me. I refused to feel guilty for what I had done. I was trying to save his life, the idiot.

I busied myself for the rest of the night camouflaging the cave, eating some dinner and planning my strategy. I didn't think Foxface would attack me. Her typical style was to hide, steal and run. But Cato, Clove, and Thresh were very different. While I had the advantage of distance they were much stronger than I was. At last, I crawled in next to Peeta since the Gamemakers had made the arena especially cold. It was strange to be so close to someone so distant. It was as if he was back in the Capitol or District 12. I felt so lonely.

I thought about my family back home. They would be watching since Feasts always warranted school closures. I wondered if they went to the Square or stayed home and watched it on our old television. I wondered if the Baker had kept his promise of feeding Prim. I knew that District 12 must have been on Cloud 9. We hadn't been this close to a Victor in a long time. I imagined all their faces. Greasy Sae, Madge and all my cousins. Gale especially would be watching looking for my plan of action, mentally if uselessly guiding my path. I wondered how he felt about Peeta. He had made no secret of his disdain for Merchant boys especially Peeta's older brother. And I didn't think he would want me to risk my life for someone who could be dying. It was like our fight over Lady all over again. Aunt Hazelle would be rooting for me but probably clucking her tongue over all the kissing.

I got up at last and made my way out of the cave. Before I left I leaned over and gave Peeta a long lingering kiss. I pretended to brush a tear away from my eye. The Capitol would love this. But for a moment I felt genuinely afraid. What if I failed? What if Peeta died before I could get back? Well, it was no use worrying.

It was cold like the mornings I used to go hunting with my father or Gale. We used to bring lanterns and drink tea wrapped in quilts hoping game would come by. I was so lonely. I wished my father was here. He would have protected me from everything. I wished Gale was here. Being in the woods alone was miserably lonely. It was different with a companion. Suddenly they don't feel like an alien force. But here it felt as if I was surrounded by those odd creatures that featured so heavily in my Grandfather's stories.

As dawn approached I crouched in my hiding place watching. There was no sign of anyone else. I waited and suddenly saw the ground split and a table emerge. The feast had begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Cave. Ahh... those two are so cute. Once again I'm inspired by Porchwood/Mejhiren in her lovely stories about District 12. I know having Gale as a storyteller may sound like a bit of a stretch but don't forget he had 3 younger siblings to keep occupied. Plus he had a grandfather and uncle who were masters at storytelling. I have always imagined that District 12 had a very strong tradition of oral history and lore. Obviously, the "small creatures" are fairies and the old ladies on brooms are witches. You also may begin to see a little bit of divergence in the way that Katniss and Gale think connected with Lady. Underneath it all, I have always thought that Katniss isn't as practical as she thinks she is. After all, she's the one who continually allies with children, sick people and the elderly.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Katniss goes to the Feast and gets saved by an unexpected person. She learns about the real story behind the bread.

I began sprinting towards the pack but I heard the wiz of an approaching knife which I deflected. I turned and sent an arrow towards Clove's chest but she turned and it only gave her a slight puncture in the arm. I kept moving grabbing the pack when she sent her second knife that gashed my forehead and nearly blinded me. I tried to shoot her but the blood made it hard to see and I missed. Then Clove jumped me pinning me down and grinning evilly down at me.

I knew it was over. There was no way I would be able to fight Clove. I hoped Prim and my little cousins weren't watching. Especially Prim. I had broken my promise to her. I hoped Clove would do it quickly. But Clove seemed to savor the moment. She knew she had Cato to ward off Thresh. She taunted me about Peeta as she selected a thin little knife from her jacket. I tried to pretend that he was out there searching for Cato. But she saw through my lies as soon as he didn't materialize.

Then she said the one thing that made me want to kill her even if I died in the process, "We're going to kill you just like we killed the pathetic little ally you had. The one that went in the trees. First Rue, then you and we'll let nature get ride of Lover Boy. How does that sound?"

I tried biting her and then I spit on her to her disgust. I refused to close my eyes. No matter what she would see me staring her down defiant to the end. I would die as much as possible undefeated. I waited for the pain of her knife cutting my face. But it never came. Instead, I saw her yanked up as if she was a child and heard her screaming. I didn't know what had happened. Then I saw Thresh holding Clove like a doll towering over us until he threw her to the ground as if she weighed a feather.

Then he shouted at her. His shout was doubly impressive considering I had never heard him speak above a quiet rumble. "Did you kill the little girl?"

Clove started scrambling backward like a terrified child, such a contrast to her bravado of just a moment earlier. She denied killing Rue. But Thresh's face was full of rage, rage that had been reflected on my own face. "You cut her up like you cut up this girl?"

"No, I didn't…" But it was too late. She saw the stone and began to scream for Cato. But Cato was too far away. I could only hear the echo of their voices. Thresh brought the rock down on her skull and she slumped to the ground. She wasn't dead but she soon would be.

Then Thresh turned to me. I didn't try to run. He could catch me without breaking a sweat. And I didn't have any arrows. Then he said, "Were you Rue's ally?"

"Yes, we teamed up. Blew up the supplies. I tried to save her. But I didn't get there in time. District 1 got there first." I hoped that my allying with Rue would at least merit me a quick death. He didn't strike me as the type to kill like Clove had attempted. His blow to her had been relatively clean and precise.

"And you killed him?"

"Yes, I did. And I buried her in flowers. And sang her to sleep." I felt tears come to my eyes. Rue, the pain of my injury and the fact that I was up right next to death.

"To sleep," Thresh muttered gruffly. His face had softened.

"To death. I sang until she died. Your district sent me bread." I wiped my eyes and said, "Do it fast, please."

I saw the range of emotions pass over Thresh's face. Indecision, sadness, pity and maybe even respect. Then he said almost angrily, "Just this once I'll let you go. For the little girl. Then we're even. No more owed. Do you understand?"

I nodded. I understood all about owing. I understood how it hurt to owe people. I understood how people would react to him letting me go. His District already thanked me. Then he did the same thing. Maybe it was Rue who had the effect on people.

I heard Cato calling for Clove and I was surprised by the pain in his voice. Thresh said urgently, "Better run, Fire Girl."

I took off just as Thresh grabbed both of the remaining backpacks and disappeared. I paused and looked back to see Cato kneel beside Clove and beg her to stay with him. I didn't wait around to see him realize it was too late. I kept running trying to wipe away the blood streaming. I heard the cannon fire and knew that Cato would be after either me or Thresh. The only thing that comforted me was that Cato would probably follow Thresh who had his backpack. I tried hard not to wonder if there had been something between Cato and Clove. Perhaps they had been friends or even lovers? The only time I had ever heard Cato behave like a human and not a beast was about Clove. But there was no time to think.

I made it back to the cave and with trembling hands opened the bag and took out the needle containing Peeta's medicine. I inserted it into his arm as my mother did and pressed the button. I put my hand on my face and saw the blood smeared across it. Then I collapsed seeing a lovely green and silver moth land on my wrist. But I couldn't be sure I didn't dream that up.

I awoke thinking myself at home. I could hear the sound of rain on the roof and the feel of the blankets keeping me safe and warm. I felt a headache and wondered if I was sick and my mother had kept me home from school. I felt my mother's hand touching my face and I didn't resist. Sometimes I used to long for her touch to remind me that I could trust her and love her. But the voice was wrong. It wasn't my mother's and I panicked.

I opened my eyes and home slipped away. I looked around me and saw the cave, the blood all over and the pale, gaunt face of the boy. Peeta. I felt disappointment rise in me. The dream had been so real.

"Good to see you awake." He told me a smile touching his face.

"How long have I been out?" I asked.

"I'm not sure. I woke up and saw you lying there in a pool of blood. I think it stopped now but I wouldn't sit up or move." I felt the bandage but even the smallest gesture made me feel sick and dizzy. Peeta gave me some water and I drank it eagerly. I remembered from a time that Rory got a gash on his head that head wounds bleed profusely even if they aren't serious. As long as the bleeding stopped and we kept it clean it wouldn't be too bad.

"You're better," I commented. Peeta still looked pale but the feverish flush had left his face and he seemed much more coherent.

"Much. That shot cured me. The swelling is nearly gone."

I noticed he didn't seem angry and I hoped that would stay. Perhaps he felt sorry for my appearance and was reserving the lecture for a time when I was better. But he was all gentleness now. It was nice being taken care of for a change. It rarely happened unless I was sick. Peeta fed me groosling and raisins and forced water down my throat. Then he rubbed my feet and wrapped his jacket around them before tucking the sleeping bag around me as if I was Prim. It was comforting but strange.

"I know Clove's dead. Did you kill her?" he asked.

"No, Thresh did."

"Lucky he didn't catch you," Peeta told me.

Then I remembered everything and I felt sick. I told Peeta the whole story. I even added things I hadn't been able to tell him such as the alliance with Rue and my killing the boy from 1.

"He let you go because he didn't want to owe you anything?" asked Peeta in disbelief.

"Yes, but you won't understand. You've had enough. But if you live in the Seam you would understand." I said. Even Gale, who wasn't known for being generous, would have understood. Thresh did the honorable thing. Debts must be paid no matter what.

"And don't try. Because I'm clearly too stupid to get it." Peeta sounded annoyed and I sighed.

"It's like the bread. How I can't stop owing you."

"From when we were kids? Can't we let that go? I mean you just saved my life."

"But that's different. You didn't know me. Besides the first gift was always the hardest to pay back. I wouldn't even be here if you hadn't helped me."

"But you put yourself in more danger helping me. Therefore I owe you. And regardless of you, I would still be here but I would be dead." He replied. I considered that for a moment. It was true but what I said had been also true.

"So, Cato and Thresh? Is it too much to hope that they'll kill each other?" He was changing the subject and I went along with it. The Capitol didn't need to hear our personal stories. But the thought of Thresh's death made me sad.

"I think Thresh might have been our friend if he was back in District 12," I said. I thought of Rue climbing trees and being taught how to use a bow and arrow and setting snares. I thought of Thresh and how much like a Seam man he was. There was something about being from the two poorest districts that made things different.

"Then let's hope Cato kills him, so we don't have to." Said Peeta. I suddenly felt a wave of grief pass over me. I didn't want anyone to die anymore especially Thresh. But I couldn't go around saying that. The Capitol would hate it. I felt tears start to form though I fought them. Peeta was all concern wondering if I was ok.

I gave him the only safe answer, " I want to go home, Peeta." I sounded about as young as Posy.

"You will, I promise." He gave me a kiss.

"But I want to go home now," I said. I was definitely sounded like Posy now. Hazelle would be scolding me for whining.

"You go to sleep and dream of home. And before you know it you'll be there for real." I felt his hand pass over my other cheek gently. I fell asleep quickly.

When I awoke I was starved. I think Peeta was just as hungry and there wasn't much left. I resolved that tomorrow I would hunt. When we saw the projection there were no faces. Cato and Thresh were still alive. Peeta told me where Thresh was hiding but added that he hadn't wanted to go into the field for fear of the wild things.

I thought about the warnings about not going past the fence for fear of the wild animals. In that way, Gale and Thresh were very much alike viewing the field as a source of sustenance. Peeta wasn't soft nor a coward but he had learned not to question things. His house was always full of food. But for us in the Seam we questioned everything. Would he be shocked by our laughter as we broke the law? Would he find Gale's tirades against the Capitol excessive?

"I wonder what we have to do to get some bread," Peeta questioned. I realized belatedly that he didn't know about Haymitch's message and I could hardly say it right out. The audience couldn't know the romance was fake. But I had to get it on track. I could hear Haymitch complaining about how dull everything was.

"He probably spent a lot of money on the sleep syrup," I said impishly.

"Yeah, now that you mention it. Don't try that again." He took my hand.

"Or what." I challenged.

"The problem is that we both survived. That makes you think you did the right thing."

"I did the right thing," I said.

"No. No, you didn't." He gripped my hand so tightly I felt actual pain and I could hear the anger in his tone. "Don't die for me. You won't be doing me any favors."

I didn't understand why he was saying all this. It didn't make sense but it would help us get food. "Maybe I did it for me. Maybe you aren't the only one who …worries…about…"

I stumbled through my speech wishing I was as smooth a talker as Peeta. And while I was speaking I realized that part of it was true. The idea of losing him hit me and I realized how much I wanted him to live. It was more than the sponsors or how people would treat me at home. It isn't even about not wanting to be alone. It's him. I didn't want to lose the boy with the bread.

"If what, Katniss." He whispered.

I wished we were alone. I wished all the cameras would disappear even if it meant we lost out on food. This was my business and mine alone. "That's what Haymitch wanted me to avoid." In reality, Haymitch was probably yelling at me to stop hiding and say it.

"Then I'll just have to fill in the blanks myself." He said and moved in on me.

This was the first kiss we were both fully conscious of. This was the first kiss that I felt stirring in my chest and a warm, curious feeling spreading through me. This was the first kiss that made me want another. Suddenly I understood a little why people were so mad about kissing. But I didn't get one.

"You're wound's bleeding again. You better lie down and try to sleep."

It was so cold we huddled together in the sleeping bag. I was struck by his immediacy as we settled down with my head resting on his arm and his other arm wrapped around me protectively. I hadn't been simply held in a long time. Not since my father died no one's arms had felt this safe. Even then it felt different. There was something intimate about being held this way.

The next day the rain continued and we were beginning to get very hungry. It was useless to try to hunt as I could barely see a foot in front of my face. The only hope was Haymitch but he didn't seem to be willing or able to help. Perhaps he found my end of the Star-Crossed Lovers act lacking. It was true we were pretty boring huddled together for warmth and sleeping. The kiss was nice but it would take some work to sneak another one. Some of the girls at school did this sort of thing easily. But I had never had the time or desire to do any of it. And clearly, the kiss wasn't enough or Haymitch would have sent something. Perhaps Haymitch wants some sort of personal story which was the very thing I most struggled with. Peeta, on the other hand, excelled on that sort of stuff.

"Peeta. When you said you had a crush on me forever when were you talking about?"

"It was the first day of school. I think we were five. You had a red plaid dress and your hair was in two braids. My father pointed you out and said, 'See that little girl? I wanted to marry her mother, but she ran off with a coal miner."

"What? You're making this up." I couldn't believe it. My mother was once beautiful but I hadn't ever thought that she had a boyfriend before my father. And I wondered why she had married my father. Her life would have been much easier as the Baker's wife. But then again I guess her love for my father had been so deep she was willing to give up everything for it. That was the very thing I wanted to avoid.

"No, honestly. I asked him why she would give up him for a coal miner and he said it was because when he sang the birds stopped to listen."

"That's true. I mean it was true." I exclaimed. I began to wonder if my dislike of singing wasn't about time but about the memories of my father.

"Then later that day in music assembly the teacher asked if anyone knew the valley song and your hand shot up. You stood up on a stool and sang it. I swear all the birds outside fell silent."

I rolled my eyes. Peeta was laying on so thick even the Capitol must be thinking it was a ruse.

"No, it happened. And when the song ended I knew just like your mother that I was a goner. I spent the next eleven years trying to talk to you."

"Without success," I added. Why had he been so afraid to talk to me? He wasn't shy. He had a lot of friends and lots of girls who looked at him with admiration. I was a poor Seam girl. Perhaps it was his mother.

"Without success. So I guess being reaped was a stroke of luck in a way."

For a moment I was foolishly happy and then I felt confusion sweep over me. This was supposed to be an act. We weren't really in love but pretending to be in love. But then parts of his story did add up. I did have a red dress, I did sing on the first day of school and the birds did fall silent when my father sang. Was that why he had given me the bread?

"You have a remarkable memory," I said struggling to find words.

"I remember everything about you. You're the one who wasn't paying attention."

"I am now."

"Well, I don't have much competition here."

I wanted to pull away again and shut out the audience. But I could hear Haymitch yelling at me so I said, "You don't have much competition anywhere." And then I leaned in for a kiss.

I could hear the sound of the silver parachute outside just as our lips touched. Inside was rolls, goat cheese, apples and a bowl of lamb stew with rice. Peeta commented that Haymitch must have taken pity on us. But I knew it was because of what I said. I began to feel a little guilty. If Peeta was really honest about his feelings I was deceiving him for food. Women in the Seam went to the Peacekeepers especially Cray all the time and no one really judged them. But Peeta was a different sort. He didn't deserve to be deceived. But then again who's to say he wasn't playing just as much of an act as I was.

The food was so delicious and we were so hungry it took a lot of willpower not to eat the whole thing. Peeta ended up filling the hour between our servings by flirting with me. I blushed but hoped that the cameras didn't pick it up. We sat next to each other in the sleeping bag with his arm around me. He talked about how none of the other girls held a candle to me. We even made a few jokes at Haymitch's expense which would definitely play well with the audience. And as much as it offended me to be compared to Haymitch we did seem to understand each other. Perhaps it was because we were both from the Seam.

The anthem began playing as I dished out my second helping. I had heard no cannons so I expected that there was nothing. But Peeta went to look. He called to me but I kept ignoring him. Then I looked up.

"Thresh is dead." He said soberly.

"He can't be," I said. I almost didn't believe it and then I looked up and saw his face. I sank down on the ground. I ought to have been happy but all I could think of was him saving my life and Rue. But I couldn't show my emotions. Rue had been young but Thresh was a fierce warrior and no one expected me to mourn him. That night I hid my face and silently said goodbye to Thresh and thanked him for saving my life. I promised to do my best to help his family if I could. But it was hard to remember the life I used to live if I ever got out of here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may notice I implied that Cato and Clove were close, maybe even friends or lovers. I don't really ship them as I find the glorification of the Career mindset a little creepy. That being said they are teens and I wanted to show that even Cato had a human side. I always really liked Thresh. I think he might have been a Victor if he hadn't been up against the Star-Crossed Lovers (who had to win for the story to continue). We also get the cave kiss. I find it interesting how often Katniss refers back to this. Until the Beach, it remained the only kiss she really cared about. I have always liked the story of how Peeta fell for her. Poor Katniss isn't sure what to think and is starting to feel guilty.


	11. Chapter 11 The Showdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta reach the end of their games. But what twists does the Capitol have planned?

Overnight the sky cleared and the rain stopped. That could mean only one thing. The Gamemakers were pushing us all together for the final. As the night passed I couldn't help but wonder what my life would be like if I chanced to escape this place alive. Would I be like Haymitch so haunted by the things that happened that he spent most of his time drinking his troubles into oblivion? At least I wouldn't be alone. I would have my family. But what would happen when Prim grew up and got married? When my mother died. True there were my cousins but they didn't really need me the way Prim and my mother did. And eventually, they too would marry. But to marry would mean children and I resolved never to have children. Not while kids starve in the streets and get reaped. I wouldn't marry both because marriage in District 12 always meant kids and besides I wasn't going to fall in love. I would just end up like my mother. I suspected there was something inside of me that would respond just like her if I ever fell in love. I wasn't like my Aunt who had gone on. When I got attached to people I couldn't bear to lose them. And I knew another thing. If I got out of this arena I would be a Victor and Victor's kids, the few that were around were always reaped.

I sat up and watched Peeta wondering what would happen to us when we got home. He was so good at spinning lies I nearly believed them myself. He had the whole nation convinced he was in love with me. I knew better of course. He didn't know me and I don't believe in love at first sight or any of that. He couldn't possibly have been in love with me since he was five. But if we both got out of here I was sure we would be friends. Good friends. It would be nothing more, of course, because I couldn't stand the idea of romance.

When he woke up he kissed me, a long, lingering one that reminded me of the times I had seen my father do something like that to my mother. The Capitol audience would be swooning. We ate the rest of the stew and bread and licked our plates to everlasting horror of Effie Trinket. Then we bantered back and forth just like a real couple back at home might have. We were teasing each other and stealing kisses. I was surprised at how well I could master it. But I had seen all the courting couples and had mentally criticized them for their foolishness. Well, in this case being foolish might save our lives.

But when we left the cave we realized that the Games were still on and they were growing more dangerous by the minute. Cato would be after us. I began searching for game. But I soon found that my new hunting companion was the worst. Peeta sounded like a whole heard of wild hogs had descended on the forest. I could imagine Gale mocking his loud tread. Gale had the Everdeen tread like my father and even Aunt Hazelle. Perhaps it was practice or the fact that Peeta was stockier. I began to get annoyed though I knew it wasn't his fault. But little things like that could make the difference between life and death. I was tempted to tell him to stay in some hidden location and I would go hunt. But I feared his pride wouldn't be able to handle it. No man I knew would be ok with staying behind like that.

But he surprised me by proposing the same thing. "Listen, Katniss, I know we need to split up. I'm chasing all the game away."

"Only because of your leg," I said carefully. It wasn't. He was the world's worst hunter but I wasn't about to tell him that. But he seemed to know it and it didn't bother him. He didn't have to be good at everything. It was kind of nice really not to have to compete.

"I know. Just show me some plants to gather and then go off."

"Not if Cato comes," I said trying not to make it sound like I thought he was weak.

He just laughed and said, "Look, I can handle him. I fought him before."

I didn't add that he had ended up with a nearly fatal injury. And he wouldn't have fought Cato anyway if he hadn't tried to save me. So I guessed it was all even there. "Why don't you climb a tree and act as a lookout?" I tried to make it seem important.

But he didn't seem to want my pride saving measures. He insisted I show him the edible plants to dig up. I was worried about leaving him but there was nothing I could do. I felt like I was eleven again tied to the fence but this time it was Peeta. I caught some game and was heading back when I noticed I hadn't heard a bird signal in awhile. I broke into a run. I found the pack with some roots and berries. But Peeta was missing.

"Peeta," I screamed. "Peeta!" I turned at the sound behind me and nearly shot him but repositioned my bow at the last minute. My fear turned to anger. "What are you doing? You're supposed to be here."

"I found some berries by the stream." He seemed confused by my anger.

"I whistled. Why didn't you reply?" I huffed.

"The water must have muffled the sound." He crossed to me and put his hand on my shoulders. I was trembling and I hated it.

"I thought Cato had gotten you." I half shouted.

"No, I'm fine." He tried to hug me but I just stood there. I pushed away and glared at him while trying to figure out why I was so panicked.

"If people agree to a signal they agree to it. And they stay in range or else the others think there is trouble. Do you understand?"

"I do." He said soberly.

"That's what happened to Rue. I didn't hear her and then she screamed and I couldn't save her." I turned away and busied myself with my pack. I was angry and unwilling to forgive him. I noticed the food. Some of it was missing.

"And you ate without me." It's not that I really cared about that. I just wanted to pick a fight.

"What? I didn't." Peeta said his temper flaring.

"I suppose it just walked away then."

"I don't know what happened. They were there when I left." I could hear the strain in his voice as he tried not to lose it with me. "Would you like some?"

I was hungry but I was angrier than I was hungry. I studied the berries and suddenly recognized them. They looked like Rue's berries but they weren't. They also hadn't appeared in the training exercises. Then I heard my father in my ear telling me to avoid those berries. They were nightlock. And nightlock was so deadly that just one would kill you almost instantly. Then I heard a cannon fire.

I whirled around fearing the worst. Peeta was standing before me but then I saw the hovercraft and the red glint of hair. It was Foxface. She had stolen the food. But Peeta kept trying to urge me to climb a tree and hide. When I told him that he had killed Foxface he didn't believe me. He seemed actually contrite about it. As if he cared that she had been inadvertently tricked at her own game. I took the precaution of taking some berries with me. They might come in handy. If only Cato was so easy to trick.

Peeta wanted to spend the night back in the cave. Climbing trees was nearly impossible for him on a good day with his body type but with his leg, it was out of the question. I realized belatedly that I had been pretty mean to him all day. It was a wonder he still wanted to be near me. Not that I had any competition in the arena except for Cato. I had nagged at him over his hunting, screamed at him and complained. Haymitch would be furious with my part of the Star-Crossed Lovers routine. And the audience would have choice words about the type of person I was emulating. So I agreed easily. But the trek was long and by the end, both of us were exhausted.

The cave almost felt like home as I sank back down. Peeta fell asleep halfway through dinner obviously exhausted by the hunt and his previous illness. I pulled the sleeping bag around him and tucked him in carefully like I did Prim. I kissed his forehead, not for the audience but for me. I was so glad he wasn't dead and that I wasn't facing Cato alone. Cato hated me because a tiny girl from District 12 outscored him. Peeta, on the other hand, had dealt with my superior skills with hunting with a shrug. Cato had gone insane over every setback. I was beginning to think Cato was mad.

The next morning both of us knew that the final was coming. The Games always had a moment where the Gamemakers forced the tributes together or they find each other. There was always a stunning battle at the end. I looked back at the cave and knew that we would never spend another night in there again. Dead or alive we would be out of the arena by the next morning. When I went to the stream I found it dry. Panic filled me as I remembered my dehydration. The Gamemakers wanted us to go to the lake.

I felt the panic rise as I realized that Cato was always the one to beat. I was once again facing danger. And I felt so alone. I wasn't alone. Peeta was right beside me but we all had to face these battles alone. The battle inside of our hearts. The battle was for the courage to go on. We stood with our arms around each other, feeling the warm sun, the feel of our bodies and the ground beneath our feet. We were gathering courage for the final battle.

Then we headed for the lake. It was nearing evening and there was no sign of Cato. We sat and waited for him to come for us. I sang Rue's song and marveled at the beauty of the melody. How perfectly it matched her and her home district. Then I heard it. It was the sound of something ugly. The mockingjays issued a warning. We rose in alarm as Cato barreled right past us. He was unarmed but as I shot an arrow it bounced right back. He was wearing armor. All my advantage with a bow was suddenly gone. Then I questioned why he was running? What was perusing him?

And then I saw them. The Mutts. I ran forward thinking only of myself. I followed Cato and then I remembered. Peeta. I was not alone in this. He was running but not so fast due to his weak leg. The mutts were descending upon him. I shot an arrow into one of the creatures but there was too many. Peeta waved me to climb the Cornucopia and I did as it gave me a better vantage point to shoot. Cato was there but those horrid creatures were attacking Peeta. I helped Peeta up the side as we watched the mutts prepare to jump.

I looked at them closely and realized with a sickening feeling in my stomach that the eyes were human. And they were all labeled with the district number. All the dead tributes were back in the arena. I began to lose it. What if these mutts had retained the brain of the victim? What if they were revenging their own deaths? Just as I was panicking I heard Peeta cry out. He nearly fell to his death but he held on to me and I gripped the sides and hung on. At last, I dragged him back up. Time to face the next hurdle. Cato.

Cato grabbed Peeta just as I shot the mutt that was once Thresh. Cato was holding him in a chokehold and blood was streaming from the gash in his leg from the mutt. I aimed at Cato's head.

Cato laughed, "Shoot me and he goes down too."

He was right of course. We were at a stalemate. I could shoot him but then Peeta would die and he couldn't kill Peeta without being killed himself by me. Cato must have had considerable faith in my feelings for Peeta. For it would have been so easy to shoot him. To send the arrow into his head and go home alone. That was the Hunger Games, wasn't it? But this was a different game. I couldn't delay. Cato was choking Peeta. And Cato trusted in the armor. And my tiny frame would be useless against him.

And then Peeta raised his blood-drenched hand and drew an X on Cato's hand. Cato realized its significance only a second after I did. His smile faded but my arrow reached his hand first. He released Peeta who nearly went down with him. I caught him just as Cato fell to the ground. For just a moment there was silence. And then the mutts attacked.

Peeta and I huddled together waiting for the cannon. But it didn't come. This was the final of the Games and they had to be spectacular. I could hear the sounds of pain and the awful growls of the mutts. I wondered how he survived and then I remembered the body armor. He fought them as bravely as he could. But the mutts were much stronger. The night wore on and still, there was no cannon. And Peeta's wound was bad. He was bleeding out. I had no supplies but I tore my shirt and used a tourniquet with an arrow struck through.

"Don't go to sleep." I wasn't sure if that was what my mother would have done but I couldn't bear to have him fall asleep never to wake. We zipped each other into his jacket for warmth. But it was still bitterly cold. Perhaps we would die of exposure and Cato would win. I bet that was what the Gamemakers wanted.

The worst part was listening to Cato. I didn't care how he had treated people I just wanted him out of his misery. I hadn't ever treated an animal the way those mutts treated him. Slowly working away at him. I couldn't even think of my family. What they were thinking. How would Prim feel watching this horror? How Posy would cry. All I could think of was the sounds and the cold. I knew if Peeta died I would go insane. I needed him. And that must have been why he fought sleep so hard. Peeta tried to remind me the night was soon over but the pain didn't abate. As the sun rose I saw Peeta's face. It was so pale and I knew he was near death. I had seen someone brought in to my mother who looked like him. The Capitol could fix him up but I wondered if he would make it to them.

"Can you shoot him Katniss? He is closer I think." It would be merciful to kill him. I had to use my last arrow, the one from Peeta's tourniquet, to fire the final shot of the 74th Hunger Games. The mangled body of my opponent seemed to form enough energy to plead with me to end his life. I was filled with pity. No one deserved such a fate. Then I heard the cannon boom.

"We won Katniss," Peeta said in a hollow tone.

"Hurray for us." I managed to say but I displayed no joy. This was not the time for celebration. I watched the mutts disappear. But no hovercraft appeared for Cato's body. Most notably there was no announcement of victory. At last, we decided that we were too close to the body and laboriously moved towards the lake. Then I watched as the hovercraft removed Cato's body. But still, there was no announcement of victory. I looked at Peeta who was losing strength fast. The wound had opened up again without the tourniquet and in the exertion of moving. I found an arrow and was about to replace the tourniquet. Then I heard the announcement.

"Greetings to the final contestants of the 74th Hunger Games. The earlier revision has been revoked. Closer examination of the rulebook has disclosed that only one winner may be allowed," he said. "Good luck and may the odds ever be in your favor."

I stared at Peeta in shock. The Gamemakers had manufactured the whole thing to create a dramatic showdown at the end. It would go down as the most remembered in Hunger Games History. And I had bought into it. I hadn't suspected a thing.

"If you think of it, it's not too surprising," Peeta said softly. He moved towards me and pulled the knife from his belt.

Before I even knew what I was doing I had the arrow pointed at his heart. I saw him raise his eyebrows and then throw the knife in the lake. I dropped my weapon and stepped back covered in shame. My hands flew to my face. That instinct to survive, no matter what, had kicked in.

"No," he said. "Do it." Peeta limped toward me and put the weapons back in my hand.

"I can't," I said. "I won't."

"Do it. Or they'll send in mutts or something. I don't want to die like Cato."

"Then you shoot me," I said furiously. "You shoot me and go home and live with it." For I knew the actual killing wouldn't be the hardest part. It would be the living, for years, with the consequences. And at that point, I thought dying would be much easier. There was no time to think about my family. For if I killed Peeta and went home I would be worse than dead to them. I would be someone horrible.

"You know I can't," Peeta replied throwing down the weapons. "You know I'll go first." He leaned down and pulled off the bandage.

"No, you can't do this." I dropped to my knees and tried to replace the torn fabric even as Peeta attempted to pull my hands away. My hands were covered in his blood. I felt that no matter what they would never be clean.

"Katniss," he said. "It's what I want."

"You can't leave me here alone." I cried out. I knew then that if he died I would never go home. I would live the rest of my life in the arena trying to fight my way out. No one could get to me.

"Listen," he pulled me to my feet and put his hands on my face forcing me to look at him. "They have to have a victor. It can only be one. Please take it. For me." He went on about how much he loved me and how life would be unendurable without me. He talked about how my family needed me. About how Prim needed me. But I paid little heed. The words they have to have a victor were echoing in my head. That was true. While a few times victors had died right after being lifted in the hovercraft and once a fight to the death had ended up killing the final two tributes, in both cases, there had been a victor. And their deaths had been accidental. But if there was no victor deliberately that was something different. The Gamemakers would have failed the Capitol. They might be executed or tortured. If we were to both die, or they thought they were…

I reached for the bag at my waist but Peeta tried to stop me. "Trust me," I whispered. He let go of my hand and I placed a handful of the dark berries in his hand. Then I poured more into my own. "On the count of three."

Peeta kissed me gently and said, "The count of three."

We stood, our backs to each other and our free hands locked about each other. Then Peeta told me to hold my hand out. To let them all see the dark berries. To hold them accountable for all of this. "One." Perhaps I was wrong. "Two." They don't really care if we both die. "Three." It was too late to change my mind. I had always thought of myself as a survivalist but apparently, even that impulse could be subjugated. I looked around me, mentally saying goodbye as I put the berries in my mouth. Then the trumpets blared.

The frantic voice of Claudius Templesmith, almost comical in his horror, filled the arena. "Stop! Stop! Ladies and Gentleman, I am pleased to present the victors of the 74th Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark! The tributes from District 12."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can see the subtle gender reversals in this scene. I think this is why certain people hate Peeta. Probably why certain people hate Katniss too. Both of them sort of don't fit entirely into gender binaries. I could see a modern day story with them being non-binary. I really love that. I also wanted to contrast that with Cato who just hates being out shown by Katniss.  
> I really love the dramatic showdown with the berries. Collins could have gone with a Romeo and Juliet ending or even portrayed a sappy "I can't live without you" love story. But she chose to make it far more complicated. I really like that. We never really find out why Katniss took those berries out. I personally think it was that she was unwilling to kill someone like Peeta. I don't think it was passionate love but her basic decency. I found it interesting that Cato obviously believed in the Star-Crossed Lovers routine. Otherwise, he wouldn't have used Peeta as a human shield. Katniss could have just shot Cato and come home the Victor.


	12. Chapter 12 Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta are declared Victors but what are the consequences of their actions?

I spit the berries out and wiped my mouth with my shirt. Then we washed our mouths out with water and fell into each other's arms. "You didn't swallow any," I questioned.

"No. Did you?"

"Guess I would be dead if I did." And then we could hear the roar of the Capitol crowds cheering. The hovercraft appeared and dropped two ladders but I refused to let Peeta go. I helped him up and as we put our feet on the ladder the electric current held us fast. As I looked down I saw blood pouring from his injury. The moment we were taken into the craft he slumped to the floor unconscious. My fingers were entangled in his coat and when they tried to take him away the fabric tore.

The doctors, in their sterile white and freakish masks, reminding me this wasn't my mother's kitchen table went to work. Peeta's face looked as white as the white sheets of the Capitol far whiter than anything from District 12. The tubes and wires were so unfamiliar to me and the doctors dressed so bizarrely that I began to think they were just a bunch of mutts. That this was all just another Gamemaker's trick. I lunged for him determined that if it was a trap I would at least be there with him until the end. But those people came and pushed me into another room and the glass door closed between us. I pounded on the glass screaming so loudly that the whole craft reverberated from the sound. But I was ignored except for some attendant who offered me orange juice.

I slumped to the floor staring at the juice. It was so clean and pretty with the cold already seeping through to my fingers. My blood coated fingers. I was hungry and thirsty but I placed the glass on the floor. It was too clean and pretty to drink. I didn't deserve it.

I watched the doctors work over Peeta. I saw their faces drawn in a concentration not unlike my mother when she was working on a patient. But these doctors had their tubes and vials of strange colored liquids and their murmured conversations and the strange machine in the corner with a bunch of lines that flatlined a few times. I thought that must mean his heart stopped twice.

It was like being home when they brought the terribly wounded from the mine accidents, or the pregnant women with a bad delivery or the person with an incurable disease and my mother and Prim worked over them with that same hopeless look on their faces. I thought somehow the Capitol could save anyone with their fancy drugs and equipment. The place that could make those mutts surely could save someone with a leg injury. Normally back at home, I ran into the woods sickened with the sight of blood and gore and too close to death to bear it. I would stay until the patient died and then I would come home. But the hovercraft trapped me and there were no woods to run to. Besides the same force that trapped the loved ones of the dying kept me here unable to move. I used to wonder why they stayed as they saw the life slowly and painfully leak away from their loved one's body. And then I realized that it was because you had no choice.

When I awoke I found myself in an unfamiliar room devoid of anything except the bed I was lying on. There were tubes in my arm attached to the wall. The bed sheets were soft against my naked skin. My hand was clean. Not a trace of a scare except a few faint burn scars. And the hearing in my left ear was restored. I couldn't move because there was some sort of restraint and panic rose in my mind. Just as I was struggling the redhaired Avox girl came in. I calmed down fighting back the questions for fear she would get into trouble. She adjusted the pillows and placed the tray on my lap. Then I asked one question, "Did Peeta make it?"

She nodded and then placed the spoon in her hand. I felt as if in some strange way she was my friend and that she hadn't wished me harm. The food proved to be sparse which seemed odd considering the Capitol had given me as much food as I wanted before the games. But I found that the bowl of broth and applesauce was hard to eat and I felt almost as sick afterward as when I ate on the train. But I had been eating pretty normally before in the arena. I must have been out a long time. I remembered a few patients of my mothers who had been starving to death that had been given a large meal by a well-meaning person. In most cases, they died painful deaths. She called it "Starving Syndrome."

I wondered if my family was worried about me. If District 12 was celebrating its first victory in 24 years. Home. My family. Prim and my mother. Gale and his family. Little Posy would get her dress after all. Even Buttercup would be there. Soon I would be home. I would be able to go into my woods. District 12 might have been poor and ugly but it was my home.

I wanted to get up and see Cinna and Peeta and find out what had been happening since I had been unconscious. But as I tried to sit up I felt something cold flowing through my veins and I suddenly lost consciousness again. It happened repeatedly until I lost track of time. I didn't see the Avox girl who was my sole link to reality. The sole reason to think I hadn't dreamed up that empty room. My scars seemed to disappear giving my skin the appearance of one of those fine china dolls in the shop window in the Square. Once I thought I heard a man yelling in the home accent and for a moment fancied it was my father. But then I decided I had imagined it.

One day I woke up without a restraint or tubes in my arms. My hands were so smooth and clean without a trace of a scar. Even my hunting scars were removed. The half-moon shaped scar I got with my father was gone causing a sudden twist to my heart. It was something to remember him by. I stood up surprised that my legs were strong and steady. The Capitol had laid on my bed the very same outfit I had worn into the arena. It seemed a fitting thing for them to remind me that I was only one of two that had made it out alive. To remind me that they own me.

I slipped out the door and began to try to look for Peeta. I didn't think he was dead or badly injured or the Avox girl would have communicated it somehow. I called his name but it was not his warm masculine voice that greeted me. It was high pitched and decidedly feminine. Effie.

I turned and saw all of them waiting for me at the other end of the hall. Effie, Haymitch, and Cinna. I ran towards them not caring if Victors were supposed to be more formal or even if the Capitol was currently broadcasting this to the whole country. I surprised myself by throwing myself into Haymitch's arms first. He and I had never had a particularly cordial relationship but he had kept us alive and besides he was from home. His "Nice job, sweetheart," actually sounded sincere and no wonder. Haymitch was the first mentor in the history of the games to bring home two Victors from the same games. Effie was crying and smiling and talking nonsensically about pearls. Cinna hugged me but didn't say anything.

"Where's Peeta? Is he ok? He's alive?" I asked suddenly alarmed at the absence of Portia.

"He's fine. They want you to reunite at the Ceremony." Said Haymitch.

"Oh. That's all." I said in relief. The terrible moment in which I had been sure that Peeta was dead passed and my heart slowed to normal. "I guess I'd want to see that if I was the audience."

"Go on and Cinna will get you ready." Haymitch waved me off and I followed Cinna out of the hospital into the lobby. As I rode up the elevator I tried very hard not to think about the eleven floors of tributes that would never return.

The prep team nearly knocked me over in their exuberance. They talked so fast I couldn't follow what they were saying I knew they were thrilled to see me here. I surprised myself by being glad to see them. They acted like a more pampered version of Buttercup might have acted upon seeing their owner return. They gave me my first real meal too but I was refused seconds for fear I would throw up on stage. Remembering my last time on that stage I decided that eating carefully was probably smart. But Octavia slipped me a roll and patted my hand.

When I was being prepared for my dress I saw my reflection and winced at my skinniness. I could count my ribs which had always been my personal sign that it was a lean winter. They chatted on about the Games as they did my hair, nails, and makeup but I couldn't help but notice that it was all about where they were when such and such thing happened. No mention was made of the deaths. I wanted to hate them so I decided to ignore what they were saying and picture myself back at home.

Cinna came in with my dress which was a soft creamy yellow. I noticed that the dress was padded at the bust and frowned. I had always been small chested as a consequence of starvation. It had never particularly bothered me. Breasts always seemed somewhat useless except to feed children that I would never have. But after the games, I was nearly as flat as I had been at twelve. And that felt a little funny. But the dress artificially enhanced that region of my body making it stick out in contrast to my stick-like arms, concave belly and bony hips. It looked fake.

"I know. But the Gamemakers wanted you surgically altered. Haymitch had a huge fight over that. This was the compromise." Cinna told me. I sighed in relief. The idea of them changing my body until I looked like someone in the Capitol was abhorrent. At least I could take the dress off.

The dress was beautiful and more to my style than the other one. It glowed in the light and seemed to illuminate my skin. My hair and makeup were absurdly simple. The whole outfit made me look very young and innocent. I looked no older than Prim. I realized how calculated Cinna's clothes were. I was designed to look innocent and silly not dangerous. But looking back on most Victors I was surprised by the choice. All the ones I had ever seen were dressed in elaborate clothing that made them look sexy and glamorous.

"I thought it would look more sophisticated," I said carefully. Cinna knew me well enough that I wasn't disappointed just surprised.

"I thought Peeta would like this better." He answered.

But though that was probably true I knew that this wasn't about Peeta. It was about the Games and I sensed the subtle warning in his reply. Something was wrong.

We congregated in the underground area beneath the stage where I was supposed to rise and be reunited with Peeta and watch the games with Caesar Flickerman. I waited there fighting the urge to bite nails. I couldn't spoil the prep team's polish or they would have a field day. I nearly jumped when Haymitch slipped behind me. Sometimes it felt like I hadn't left the arena.

"You look good enough." He said after examining me critically.

"But what?" I asked him.

He seemed to debate for a moment before saying, "Nothing. How about a hug?"

I nearly laughed. Hugs seemed out of place for Haymitch but I guessed it was his way of saying "Good luck." But when I put an arm around his neck he started whispering in my ear. "Listen up. You're in trouble. The Capitol is furious you showed them up in the Arena. They are the joke of Panem and that's something they won't take."

Dread coursed through me but I pretended to laugh to hide the fact that he had just told me something terrifying. "So what do I do?"

"Your defense is that you were so madly in love that you weren't responsible for your actions." Haymitch pulled away and pretended to brush a nonexistent speck off my sleeve. "Got it, sweetheart."

"Got it." I replied then asked, "Did you tell Peeta this?"

"Don't have to," said Haymitch. "He's already there."

"But you think I'm not." I felt annoyed.

"Since when did it matter what I think." He answered but I knew that wasn't a real answer. Panic nearly stifled me. I felt like the building was collapsing above me. I was supposed to be safe. Victors were supposed to be safe. But now I was in even more danger.

Because in the arena the only person in danger was me. But this was different. My mother, Prim, my cousins, everyone in District 12 was in danger because of me. The only way to save them was to play the lovesick girl. And that wasn't something I was good at. I hadn't been thinking of making the Capitol look stupid but inadvertently I had. The Capitol would play the rule change as some "testing our love" scenario. And I had to play along. And Peeta…he was in danger too. But then what Haymitch said about him filtered back to me He's already there.

Where? Already aware of the danger? Or already desperately in love with me. I hadn't had time to figure out how I felt about him. What I did for the Games, for revenge at the Capitol, for fear people would disprove in District 12 or because it was right. Or the parts I did out of genuine caring. I couldn't possibly figure it out until I got home and was in the woods. Until I had a chance to think. But until then I had to play the game. And I didn't know how.

Caesar Flickerman came on stage and began introducing the prep teams and Effie. Then Portia and Cinna came on stage and were greeted with shrieks of approval. I understood Cinna's costume choice now. He had wanted to portray me as a sweet, innocent girl in love. Haymitch came out to riotous applause which he probably hadn't gotten since his own victory. But this time it was different. I was suddenly thankful he had warned me. I might have done something stupid inadvertently.

I was lifted onstage then and I blinked at the sudden onslaught of light and the deafening roar of the crowd. Peeta stood just a few yards away looking so clean and healthy and beautiful that I hardly recognized him. But his smile was the same no matter where he was from. I flung myself into his arms and he staggered back nearly losing his footing. He held a cane in his hand which I realized a little too late. We clung to each other and kissed and all the time I was wondering if he knew how much danger we were in. After about ten minutes Caesar Flickerman tried to interrupt but was pushed aside by Peeta. The audience went crazy. Whether inadvertent or planned he was playing the crowd right. Haymitch ended up being the one to break the embrace and push us towards the victor's chair.

I sat down nearly in Peeta's lap but Haymitch didn't look convinced and so I kicked my sandals off and put my head on his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and I felt like I saw back in the cave fighting off the cold. I didn't have time to think about how my family viewed my display. That they wouldn't approve was quite obvious. All that kissing, the way I was sitting and the silly little girl act I was putting on was enough to make them wonder what happened to me. Would they be convinced that I was a girl in the throes of her first love? Or would they suspect the truth? Would they blame me for leading Peeta on? Or blame him for starting the whole thing in the first place?

Caesar steered the show towards the recap of the games that every Victor had to endure. All of Panem had to watch it. I began to panic as the first scenes appeared on the screen. I wondered how 73 years of Victors stood this alone. Peeta's arm about my shoulder kept me from flying towards the nearest exit. But then the Capitol probably hadn't been as mad at them as me. I could tell the Capitol had crafted a love story in the allotted three hours of footage. They focused on us which made it a little easier since there were less death and bloodshed. I saw what the audience saw. I saw how Peeta played the Careers, watched the night I was trapped in the tree and fought Cato to lie in the mud bank whispering my name. I in comparison looked murderous at least until Rue. They even played my song to her. The whole time they played the video I felt detached. I might have been home in District 12 and Katniss Everdeen was some strange girl I had never met before. I felt a wave of gratitude to the filmmakers for showing my grief-stricken response to Peeta's injuries on the hovercraft. It was my best moment.

Then President Snow presented us with our crowns. He smiled genuinely at Peeta but when he turned to me his eyes bored into me with an expression of unforgiving hatred. I was the instigator. I would suffer the most.

We were wined and dined at the President's Mansion and then allowed back to our rooms in the Training Center just as the sun was rising. I wanted to talk to Peeta alone but Haymitch sent us off in separate directions and seemed to be trying to keep us apart. I ignored this after I tossed and turned unable to rest. I needed to talk to him. But when I tried to get out of my room I found it locked. I suspected Haymitch and then the Capitol. I rushed to bed feeling trapped and invaded.

The next morning I was dressed and prepared and once again my look was innocent and gentle. I felt as if the Capitol was breathing down my neck listening to my every word. The interview was a relief compared to the live audiences. Caesar was warm in his praise of me and reassured me that I would be fine on camera. I wondered what he really thought of it all. It was hard not to hate him for being part of the system. Yet he had helped me and most of the other tributes. Peeta seemed distressed about Haymitch's attempts to separate us but I was more concerned about the danger we were in. When he mentioned going home where there wouldn't be people watching all the time I nearly laughed even as a strange shiver danced down my spine. He hadn't met my family yet and didn't guess how the Capitol felt.

Ceasar directed the interview but I let Peeta do most of the talking. He and Caesar acted as if they had done hundreds of interviews together. He made a joke about how Finnick O'Dair was going to be replaced as the most charming man in Panem and I pretended to be horrified and jealous. To be honest that wasn't a very difficult emotion to fabricate for Finnick had so many lovers that I hadn't seen one repeated twice. If Peeta behaved that way I would be justifiably upset. When Ceasar asked me to tell him when I fell in love with Peeta I was panicked for a moment. How could I explain an emotion so ephemeral, so completely alien to me? When Caesar suggested the time when I shouted out Peeta's name I seized on it gratefully.

Then the interview took a dark turn when Ceasar asked Peeta how his "new leg" was doing. "New leg," I said as I looked at the strange plastic and metal object that replaced his foot. "Oh no."

"It's my fault. Because of the tourniquet."

Ceasar and Peeta tried to reassure me that I had only saved his life and that he would have died without the tourniquet. But I had to fight the urge to cry and ended up burying my head in his shirt and wishing I could just disappear from all of this. Ceasar's question about the berries was especially critical. I couldn't mess that up. I finally made some lame but reasonably realistic response about not wanting to live without him. Haymitch gave me a thumb's up and I breathed a sigh of relief. That much was over.

That day I boarded the train for home. It hadn't been that long in time but it felt as if it had been a century. I thought of my family. I thought of Prim, my mother, my aunt and my cousins. I thought of the fruitless struggle to transform myself back into the girl from the Seam who hunted and traded at the Hob. I tried to remember who I was and who I was not. Even Peeta felt like a stranger. Was it just a few days ago that I had screamed and cried at his "death?" Was it just a short time ago that I had kissed and smiled and tried to figure out how I felt?

I would have to explain all of this to Peeta. How confused I was. How little I knew about this sort of thing. How I wouldn't ever fall in love or get married or have children. How little I could truly offer him. How much he would despise me when he really knew me. But the real question was whether he would accept me? Would he want to be my friend? Or did I want to be his friend? Sometimes it seemed as if we forgot each other's existence it would be easier. Perhaps it would be kinder to have a clean break. He could go on and fall for some girl like Delly. If only I could make him understand all the things I didn't understand myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't post at my usual time. I'm swamped with finals. Hopefully next week I'll be better though my post will be a little late. By the way, I wrote a story based on my other story "Of Dying Dreams and New Beginnings" that is available if you donate to Love in Panem's Candle for the Caribbean collection. There are so many amazing stories by a lot of talented authors. And you get my pathetic attempts to write something slightly smutty. Ok, that one isn't probably a good thing. If you want more information visit my Tumblr @demisexualkatnisseverdeen
> 
> This chapter is the last one that closely follows canon. After this, things will change a lot. Poor Katniss is trying to adjust to being a Victor and figure out how Peeta fits into her new life. And since there isn't a love triangle her reasoning is a little different. I personally see her as a little aromantic as well as demisexual and that makes things really complicated. And I think Peeta's response to her will be different as well. But that's next week.


	13. Chapter 13 Broken and Reborn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss and Peeta have an important conversation and they arrive back in District 12.

They let us out at the next fuel stop and we stepped outside for air. We walked out hand and hand and I struggled to find the words to say. I sensed that this might hurt him worse than Cato's sword and the mutts, at least emotionally. Somehow without my permission, I had the power to hurt him and I didn't really like the feeling. I hated feeling so guilty.

He gathered a bunch of wildflowers and I fought hard to not smile because the flowers were not flowers but the tops of wild onions. They reminded me of my father who would have brought something home like that for my mother. It struck me that my father wouldn't have been pleased with me. All that lying. My father who always prized truth above all things. And my mother who had thrown her lot in with my father so completely that at his death she lost herself. All I knew is that there were no more Games to hide behind. I had to face this for myself.

"What's wrong?" Peeta asked me.

"Nothing," I replied playing with the flowers. We walked past the train and I knew there weren't any cameras here. I could speak freely. But nothing came out.

Haymitch startled me by coming up directly behind me. That rarely happened but I was so distracted by my own thoughts. "Great job, you two. Just keep it up in the district until the cameras are gone. We should be ok." I watched him head back and felt Peeta's eyes on me. There was no escape now.

"What's he mean?" Peeta asked.

"It's the Capitol. They didn't like our stunt with the berries." I blurted out.

"What? What are you talking about?" He said his face undergoing a variety of emotions.

"It seemed too rebellious. So, Haymitch has been coaching me for the last few days. So I didn't make it worse," I said.

"Coaching you? But not me," said Peeta.

"He knew you were smart enough to get it right," I said.

"I didn't know there was anything to get right. So, what you're saying is this whole thing, I guess what happened in the arena was some strategy you two cooked up."

"No, I mean, I couldn't talk to him in the Arena could I?"

"No, but you knew what he wanted you to do, didn't you?" I bit my lip. This was too much. " Katniss?" He dropped my hand as if it were a hot coal and I took a step back to catch my balance.

"It was all for the Games. How you acted?" I could hear the slow dawn of realization strike him and it made me feel a little sick. I hadn't wanted to hurt him. But it seemed I couldn't help it. He wanted something I couldn't give him.

"Not all of it," I replied holding the flowers tightly as if they would help me to get out of this.

"Then how much? Forget about that. I guess the real question is what's going to be left when we get home?" he said.

"I don't know. The closer we get to District 12 the more confused I get." I said. He waited for more explanation but none came out.

"Well, let me know when you work it out." He said attempting to cover the pain with something like flippancy. Panic seized me. I couldn't have all this end this way. I needed him. Not as a lover but as a friend.

I could hear the sound of his footsteps heading towards the train. They echoed on the hard-packed soil. I suddenly wanted to tell him he wasn't being fair. That we were strangers until we were reaped only bound by one long distant loaf of bread. That what I did was to keep us both alive. That it was pointless to love me because I wasn't getting married or having kids and he would just end up hating me. That even if I did love him it didn't matter because I'd never been able to have the kind of love that led to family and children. How can he? How could he love me after all we had been through? I wanted to tell him how much I missed him.

Suddenly I found myself running and my voice rising into a near shout, "Stop. Wait."

He paused and looked back for an instant. He seemed weary as if he was already tired of me, and I paused uncertainly. It was nearly impossible to explain all this. But I had to try. "Yes?" he asked.

"You don't understand. I'm not falling in love, or getting married or having children. I can't. The only people I have ever loved are my family. My mother just lost it when my dad died. And I swore that day I wasn't ever going to have that happen."

"Katniss, I don't understand. What do you want? I thought you just said it was all an act."

"I don't know. I mean I'm not very good with this. But I mean I'm sorry for lying. I thought you were lying too. At least at first."

He sighed and said, "I know you were trying to keep us alive. But you have to understand that I thought it was real."

" I know. I'm sorry. But maybe, maybe we could be friends? Considering our only other option would be Haymitch." I cringed. I had made it sound as if I only wanted to be friends because he was better than Haymitch.

"Hmm… I suppose I'm a step above a vomit-filled acholic mentor." For the first time, I saw an actual smile cross his face. He had clearly taken my offer of friendship as I had meant it and not as it had come out.

"So then, friends?" I asked sticking out my hand.

"I'd be honored to be your friend, Katniss Everdeen." He said gravely shaking my hand.

"So how much trouble will I be in with your family?" he asked as we walked back towards the train.

"How much trouble will I be with your mother?" I replied thinking that if one person had wished I had swallowed the berries it was probably his mother.

"I don't know. She's probably too proud of the fact that her son is a rich Victor." He laughed a little bitterly.

"As for my family, Prim will be happy. She always pushed me to get a boyfriend. My mother and my aunt will probably say I'm too young. Vic and Rory wouldn't care. Posy will think it's cute. And Gale will probably try to beat you up."

"Are you going to tell them?" he asked. I thought about it. I didn't dare tell anyone for fear the Capitol found out.

"I can't. If the Capitol found out." I replied.

"Well, then I guess your mother being overprotective will come in handy."

I felt a little guilty for it seemed impossible not to know that he wanted more than friendship from me. But there was nothing I could do about it. I had too much to worry about. But it was better this way. The best of both worlds. At least for me. Was it for him? I couldn't be sure. He looked cheerful enough considering that any moment Peacekeepers could come seize us.

Effie sent us off to bed saying that tomorrow was going to be "a big, big, big day." I was tired but I knew I wouldn't sleep. Sleep seemed to come in snatches occasionally waking me up with a nightmare or other times I would sit and stare at the ceiling. One part of me wanted to ask Peeta to stay the night and deal with them as we had dealt with the horror of the Arena. But that wouldn't be fair. And in addition the closer I was getting to home the more the warnings my mother and aunt had given me echoed in my head.

The next morning we eased into the District 12 station to a roaring crowd. Peeta turned to me and said, "One more time for the cameras?" I nodded and took his hand. It meant that once again we had to take up the false mask of the Star-Crossed Lovers. I felt his hand, warm and steady, enfold me and I suddenly dreaded letting go. Somehow I suspected that this sort of thing didn't generally occur between friends.

The crowd pressed against the platform as I stepped off the train. Prim launched herself into my arms with a tremendous running jump. She had been sitting on Gale's shoulder's looking so beautiful in her pretty blue dress that I nearly cried. The only good thing about coming home as a Victor was all the beautiful clothing I could buy her. All the food she could now eat that would fill out her pale, hollow face. I held her in my arms for a long time as she cried and laughed and smiled. I was smiling myself and fighting back tears. My mother came and put her arms around both of us. For the first time, I actually wanted to be near her. Perhaps I had a chance at mending the dark spots between us.

My Aunt stood a little to the side of her face bearing an unaccustomed smile. "You did a good job, Katniss." I could hear all the unspoken things. How she was glad I had come home.

Vic and Rory clamored to talk about aspects of the Games that made me shudder. They were young enough to think that they were exciting provided they weren't taking part in them. All of them had been raised by the Capitol to see the games as a glorious battle. In time they would see. But I just forced a smile for the cameras and gave them a hug that neither wanted. Then I turned to Posy. She was beaming up at me with those wide dark eyes trimmed with long lashes. She was the prettiest of the Hawthorne's though it was hardly fair considering her brothers were tall and rugged.

"Cinna is making you a dress, Pose. You'll have to talk about it on the telephone to him. I would have gotten you one but Cinna makes the prettiest clothes in the country." Cinna had already started sketching a dress based on the interviews of Posy in the final eight.

"Oh thank you," Posy said in awe. "Am I going to be on fire?"

"No, I don't think so. But he mentioned something about pink sparkles after I mentioned it was your favorite color." Posy's face absolutely transformed. Pink sparkles were the height of beauty to her five-year-old mind. Suddenly her attention shifted to Effie who was ineffectually trying to get my attention for some photoshoot.

"You're hair is pretty." She said to Effie. Effie looked startled for most of District 12 including myself thought she looked ridiculous. But then her face changed. She beamed at Posy and came right over to her.

"You must be Posy. Now, aren't you darling? You aren't much like Katniss, are you? You have excellent taste. Pink is my favorite color too."

Posy's face lit up even more if that was possible as she said gravely, "Thank you."

"How would you like to be on TV with that dress? You and Katniss?" Effie patted Posy on the cheek with a gloved hand.

"That'd be scary," Posy said gravely.

"No, it wouldn't. You just have to smile and say thank you to Cinna for making your dress." Effie said.

"Thank you," Posy said automatically and then stared nervously around before burying her head against her mother. There was a collective smile from the Capitol reporters. I glanced up at my Aunt and sighed. She looked terrified. Gale looked furious. I hadn't suspected that my innocent comment about a dress in the interview would make her so popular.

Then again her popularity might save her from the wrath of the Capitol. A prominent and well-liked child would be harder to kill. I only hoped that this interaction with Effie wouldn't backfire. I had to admit that Effie seemed genuinely charmed with Posy and a small part of me melted at it. Effie for all her faults was capable of being kind.

Effie fluttered off to meet the Mellarks and I turned to the rest of the group. Gale stood there still glaring but with the familiar expression so often mirrored on my own face. But then he smiled and said, "I knew you could do it, Catnip."

He gave me an awkward half-hug half shoulder pat and I nearly started crying. Of all the people who had seen me off he was the only one who had entire confidence in my abilities that I could trust to know what was what. It had been that confidence that had carried me into those terrible early days. All alone I had nothing but my wits to rely on. And knowing that someone I trusted believed in me made all the difference.

I was surprised to see Madge standing a little apart with a smile on her face. I somehow hadn't expected her to be so close to my family. But I supposed being one of my very few friends counted for something. She reached out and hugged me and said, "I'm glad you're back."

"Thanks for the pin. It made a real splash in the Capitol." Was my inane reply. I couldn't really talk to people normally.

"I'm glad. When things settle down you should come and have tea in the garden. The weather is fine and no one can interrupt. We can have a nice chat."

I nearly laughed. Madge ought to have known me better than to think I would want a tea party in the garden. And then I caught the expression on her face. There was a strange intensity back and I realized that she really meant that her garden was free of surveillance. But to an outside observer, she was inviting me to a gossip session over tea and cookies.

"Sure. I'd like that." I said significantly. Madge nodded and I found myself standing there practically alone. A wave of something like loneliness passed over me. I had dreamed of this moment. Going home. Being with my family and community. But now I felt like in the short weeks since I had left that I no longer belonged. I felt as if no one understood except Haymitch and Peeta. And I just wanted to forget.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to see the Baker standing there. He looked a little nervous with his self-deprecating cough and shifting from side to side. I wondered if he was angry at me. Because his son loved me. For his son protecting me in the Arena. Or if he was grateful for my saving Peeta's life. "Thank you. Katniss. Welcome home."

I wasn't sure what to say. I made some lame comment about feeling the same and then accepted a box he thrust into my hands. I would normally not have accepted such a thing but now I was one of the richest people in District 12 and could afford whatever concoction he had made. I wondered then what there was about him that had passed on to his son. I had thought Peeta and his father very much alike but I was beginning to wonder. There was a fundamental weakness to his father that Peeta did not possess. Peeta had a smoothness of words and sudden flashes of temper that seemed alien to his mild-mannered, self-effacing father. Was it possible that certain spark came from his mother? I disliked the woman intensely but she had toughness in spades.

At any rate, I understood why my mother had fallen in love with my father. He had been strong but gentle. He had been a hunter but never cruel or unkind. He had taught me how to survive. And perhaps if he had lived I might have been a different sort of girl. I might not have been so afraid of love. I might have laughed more.

I was so caught up in my thoughts, a habit I had noticed had gotten worse since the games, that Haymitch had to shake me and I turned in terror. Any sudden movement tended to make me bolt like a startled rabbit. He told me we had to go to the Justice Building to sign papers and then we would be escorted to Victor's Village.

"You'll have neighbors," I told him wondering if he would be happy.

"Yes, and a lot of bother that will be. Gives me a headache." Haymitch's tone had a ring of kindness in it and I didn't take him seriously. My mother had already whispered to me that my Aunt and cousins weren't going to be living in Victor's Village. We weren't sure about the legality of more distant relations living there and even if it was legal Hazelle and Gale would have hated it there. I didn't blame them. I wouldn't have wanted to live in the Capitol house either. But I resolved to make repairs on their house in the Seam if they would let me.

The houses in Victor's Village were all the same. Old fashioned with tall columns and heavy paneling on all the walls. The house had been recently cleaned and sparkled with polish and the scent of lemon oil. There was no furniture but Effie brought a lot of Capitol catalogs with all sorts of ideas for furnishings. I would let my mother order all that. I had no more interest in home decorating than flying. The only things I would choose was my bedroom furniture that I wanted as simple as possible.

I felt even less at home in the new house. Our old furniture was dwarfed by the huge house. Everyone seemed subdued. Prim walked quietly, my mother seemed shy, my Aunt Hazelle was terrified of touching the walls, Posy looked nervous and even Vic and Rory were suitably mollified. I think that was more due to the dirty looks my aunt cast at them. Gale looked angry. I wondered if he was angry at me.

After we had moved our meager belongings into the house I opened the box Mr. Mellark had given me. It contained cookies, decorated simply with various flowers and plants. The decoration did not seem quite as attractive as when Peeta had been decorating the cakes. I put the cookies on a plate and passed it to my family hoping food would make the atmosphere less strained.

But it didn't seem to work. Though the children's faces lit up at what was likely one of the first real sweets they had ever received they still sat stiffly on the musty old seat and looked around them in awe and fear. My aunt and Gale refused anything saying they weren't hungry. But I knew the Seam pride all too well. I would have done the same. But as proud as they were they wouldn't deny the children something special just like I wouldn't have denied Prim anything either.

They went home not long afterward and as I closed the door after them I felt a pathetic desire to cry. I had been longing for home so long and now it was different. Perhaps it was just a new house and the fact that I was now a Victor. Perhaps once I got used to it everything would be normal. I glanced outside into the shadowy world and noticed the house across the way was lit up. It had to be Peeta's for Haymitch's wouldn't have had the fresh paint or the bright lights. I saw two blond heads emerge from the door and recognized his two older brothers walking down the steps.

I wondered suddenly if Peeta was having as much trouble fitting in as I was. True I didn't think he was as close to his family as I was to mine but even so, did he find living in this huge house disconcerting? Did he find himself coming home to a totally different place? I suddenly wanted to go over there and talk to him and ask him if he felt the same way or if all of this was just a fragment of my imagination.

"Are you ok, Katniss?" Prim stood right next to me and I could see the anxiety in her blue eyes. They were darker and slightly more grey than my mother but they still looked stunning.

When I was little I used to wish I was blue-eyed. I once told my father that I was going to make a wish that my eyes would turn blue overnight. The next morning I woke up and looked at my reflection in the old cracked mirror and was crushed to find out that my eyes were still grey. When I told my father this he said, "Katniss, you have Seam eyes just like silver. Don't ever be ashamed of them." After my father died I was grateful for it. I had a little piece of him inside of me.

"I'm ok, little duck. Just tired." I replied going upstairs with her. I knew it was going to be a long night. The nightmares would hit and all I could hope for was that Prim and my mother could help me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone who has read, commented or favorited this story. I'm having a blast. This is one of my favorite chapters so far. I made a pretty big shift from canon and I'm still a little nervous about it. I hope everyone is in character. I feel that this Katniss would be a lot more eager to try her best to explain things to Peeta. And I think he would be a lot more likely to accept. In CF it explicitly states that he freezes her out because he is jealous. I have always disliked that. The "nice guy" act is majorly annoying. I think Katniss gets blamed for this scene somewhat unfairly. She dealt with it as best she could.
> 
> I have been musing about Peeta's father and mother. I have always imagined her to be an intelligent but terrifying woman. I really dislike her but I think people make her into a one-dimensional stock character. Some of Peeta's charm and spirit may have come from her. I love the scene between Effie and Posy. I'm not a huge fan of Effie but I do think she came to care for Katniss and Peeta. The scene with Katniss and her father about blue eyes was taken from a story about Amy Carmichael who was a missionary in India for many years. I think in a world where having blue eyes was considered better Katniss might want them.


	14. Chapter 14 Adjusting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss adjusts to life back in District 12.

That night was horrible. Prim tried to sleep with me but I woke her up multiple times with nightmares so intense I nearly threw up. I was so tired I just wanted to sleep but every time I fell asleep I could see Rue dying over and over, the mutts attacking us, and worst of all that long dark night when I felt so alone. At last, I ordered Prim to sleep with my mother as her own mattress and bed hadn't arrived from the Capitol yet. There was no use keeping her awake and I couldn't tell her all the terrible things I was seeing.

Part of me felt relieved when she left. As much as I loved her the strain of trying to pretend I was all right was too much. I thought again of Peeta and wished I could talk to him. But perhaps he was fine and he would think I was going crazy. I certainly felt crazy. I thought of Haymitch and his drinking and realized that perhaps he wasn’t so weak and foolish as I had thought. The horror of twenty-four years of dead tributes and forty-nine kids in his own games must have been enough to send him over the edge. That would be what I would be doing next year. I didn't know if I could handle it. 

I slept in the next morning since I hadn’t fallen asleep until dawn. Effie woke me up with an enthusiastic “big, big day” speech and gave me the itinerary for the day as I ate breakfast. My mother told me that Peeta had brought over bread and a cheesy bun that I immediately inhaled. I had never had anything so delicious not even any of the stuff in the Capitol. I was disappointed not seeing him as I still wanted to ask him how he was feeling and if I was being abnormal but Effie said I would see him when we got to the station for Parcel Day. Parcel Day was a real lifesaver for the people in the District. Even little luxuries like chocolate and white flour would be available for even the poorest members of the district. That was one thing I was looking forward too.

The prep team lamented my dark circles and were forced to put a lot of the thick, flesh-colored cream under my eyes until they were satisfied with my appearance. Apparently, in the Capitol, that stuff was all the rage as they had all night parties and wanted to look well rested in the morning. It felt cooling and smelled like cucumber. They did my makeup simply and I was allowed to wear plain blue pants and a navy shirt with my usual braid. 

I glanced over at Peeta house as I stepped outside with the film crews that were filming our every interaction. How I hated that. It felt as if my life would never be mine alone. I wanted to escape into the woods. He stepped outside and even though his team had clearly done something to him he looked as hollow as I felt. I wondered where his family was. In contrast with mine, there was no sign of his family. Perhaps his mother was still upset about potentially being neighbors with her husband's former love.   
I gave Peeta a quick kiss and then made a big show of pretending to hide from my mother. She had told in her interview that I was too young to have a boyfriend. I was sure she actually believed that but it was convenient for the Star-Crossed Lovers thing. There was less pressure to be romantic. 

“How are you?” he whispered as we held hands and pretended to whisper sweet nothings in each other’s ears.

“I couldn’t sleep. Nightmares.” I whispered back. 

“I know. I’m not sleeping either.” He answered. So I wasn’t crazy. That was nice to know. 

Effie separated us and we began passing out the parcels. To see the smile touching a child’s face and the way that people reacted to the gifts almost made it all worth it. It wasn’t, of course, but that was the way the Capitol controlled us. By using the people we cared about against us. My cousins were there except for Gale who was working in the mines. My stomach twisted at the remembrance of how my father and uncle had died. Even though he had begun working there while I was in the Arena I knew that he had nearly as much dread of them as I did. If only there was something I could do.

I knew that I could provide some sort of incentive to get him hired in a better position. I had restrictions on how I could spend my money but it was common practice according to Haymitch for Victors to pay money to get their relatives hired in better positions. But even if I could be sure that the Capitol wouldn’t be angry with me I knew Gale wouldn’t accept that sort of thing. He wasn’t going to be taken care of by his younger girl cousin. So except for doing my best to provide them with game and food I could do little to help.

Effie came over after the last parcel had been handed out and said, "My lovely little lovebirds I must be off. But I'll see you all on the Victory Tour. And I'll be keeping in touch with you about your talents and all the other things you must do. But I wish you a peaceful little break after all the excitement that happened and will happen in the future. You must be tired. But think you’ll be mentoring in a Quell year. Won’t that be exciting?” 

About as exciting as a broken leg. I thought as I accepted her kiss on the cheek. Effie could be both kindly and horribly offensive at the same moment. It was her complete lack of understanding that was somewhat terrifying. The worst of it was that she seemed to like us. If she had been mad like the Capitol officials I would have understood her more.

“Yes, Effie, and safe travels. I’m sure you’ll be glad to be back in the Capitol.” Peeta said giving her a smile. 

"Oh yes, I will. Cinna will be calling you tomorrow about that dress for your little cousin. Such a darling. I really couldn’t believe she was born in 12. And your sister is so pretty. She really looks like she could be from 1. And you, my dear, your exotic beauty has taken the Capitol by storm. As for you Peeta I know so many young ladies just mad about you but of course, I know you have eyes only for Katniss." Effie beamed at us and departed leaving us in a cloud of heavy perfume. 

Peeta and I glanced at each other and broke into laughter. It was easier to laugh at Effie than getting mad at her. In a way, she had been paying a profound compliment. "So I'm an exotic beauty. And you are a heartbreaker like Finnick O’dair. I wonder what else she’ll say about us. Perhaps that I have a charming personality.”

Peeta grinned. "Well, at least she was complimentary. Haymitch would have told us that we were barely worth bothering with. And I don't think even Effie would say that about you."

I pretended to be offended and scowled at him but he only grinned more broadly. We made our way back to our families in silence. I noticed him deflate the closer he got to his family. His mother looked distinctly unhappy and I intentionally gave her a glare. She would be reminded that I was a killer. It worried me a little that I had so readily taken Peeta in as another person to take care of but I decided I would have felt that way about anyone in my family or friends. If Madge had been being hurt I supposed I would have responded the same way. 

Madge stood a little to the side and said, “Could you come over after school ends on Monday?”

I wondered at her urgency but as I was no longer in school there was nothing preventing me from coming. It would be nice to talk to her. I didn’t dare tell her the truth about Peeta and my relationship but perhaps she might know something about the Capitol I didn’t. 

“Yes, that'd be nice.” 

Madge smiled a little and then disappeared quietly. Aunt Hazelle remarked as she disappeared, “She’s a nice girl. I didn’t think I would say that but really doesn’t seem stuck up at all.” 

I wondered how my aunt knew Madge. Then she volunteered the information herself, "She used to come over when the Games started. Apparently, she's a friend of Gale's. I wasn't too happy about that but I stayed in the room the whole time so nothing happened. At least I don't think so. I sent Rory along when he walked her home."

So Gale and Madge finally had resolved their differences. Perhaps they even liked each other. I didn’t really like it. Madge was the mayor’s daughter and Gale was a coal miner. The last thing he needed was to have his heart broken by an impossible girl like Madge. But knowing Gale’s track record with girls more than likely Madge would be the one with the broken heart. I knew he was considered extremely handsome just like my father and his father. 

"Speaking of that. I want to talk to you. You're mother and I wanted to talk about some things. Can you come over tomorrow?" My aunt had her serious discussion tone and I suppressed a groan. I had received more than a few of these lectures over the years but I suspected this lecture was probably all about Peeta. I couldn't tell her the truth so I would be forced to hear her lecture on the dangers of teenage hormones. It would be an embarrassing conversation.

“I’ll be hunting tomorrow,” I said trying to think of some excuse. 

“When you are done. It can be afternoon.” My aunt replied. She knew very well I was trying to avoid this conversation. 

"Ok," I answered. This was not a conversation I was looking forward to. But perhaps I could promise that I wouldn't do anything that they were warning about. That might mollify them enough to stop the conversation.

It was another bad night. I slept slightly better because I was so tired but by the time I normally woke up for hunting I was wide awake and sickened by the memories. I dressed rapidly and slipped downstairs before stepping outside. I saw a light on in the house across the way. Peeta was awake of course. Probably suffering from the same nightmares. I saw him leaning over the kitchen table kneading. Being around him made me feel less alone. No one else except for Haymitch understood what it was like. And Haymitch wasn’t exactly comforting. 

I tapped on the door and he opened it, “Katniss, are you ok?”

“Yea, I’m just heading out for a walk with Gale. I wanted to see how your leg was." Peeta must have known I wasn't going for a walk but I could hardly blurt out I was going hunting in a Capitol house. And I couldn't ask about nightmares.

“It’s ok. Painful when I stand too much.” He replied. The kitchen was warm, too warm, and smelled delicious. Already the counter was lined with food. I wondered what he did with it all.

"I can have my mother make up some cream," I said.

“That would be nice. Here, take some of this. I’ll bring you over some food but you can take this with you.” He handed me some cheese buns and I added it to my hunting bag with the thermos of tea. There were enough cheese buns for me and Gale provided he was willing to eat something Peeta made. I wasn’t sure if his pride would stand in the way. It was ridiculous since if he didn’t eat them they would go to waste. Peeta certainly wasn’t eating all of this. 

“It’s a lot of baking.” I blurted out looking about me. Even if he sent the food to the Community House it still represented a labor of love. Most of the time those kids got the least amount of food and clothing.

“Yea, when I can’t sleep I get up and bake. It keeps me busy.” Peeta didn’t look at me as he carefully set the dough aside to rise. 

“I wish I could. But you can only walk so long.” I sometimes wanted to escape into the woods. Just live among the trees. Sometimes I felt like I could be happy there.

“I could teach you to bake.” He added smiling at me. 

“You’d be wasting your time. I would make you lose patience in about five minutes.” I said. 

“Hmm, tell you what. You teach me to walk quietly and I’ll teach you to bake.” 

“And what would you be getting from this trade? I would at least be getting food.” I knew Peeta could care less about hunting. 

"Well, I would have a nice view with lovely company. And that's what friends are for." He said it teasingly with a whimsical smile. I wasn't lovely company and everyone knew it. Still, there was something restful about the woods. Maybe they would have the same comfort for him as me.

It made me feel a little uncomfortable but I knew he wasn't trying to. Ever since we had decided to be friends he had kept his word. Apart from the fake kisses in front of the cameras we never did anything outside of friendship. Still, I couldn't help but remember that he had been real. Sometimes the guilt made me want to withdraw. But then I remembered how much I needed to be reassured that I wasn't the only one having trouble adjusting. 

“Well, ok. Thanks for the cheese buns.” I stepped towards the door feeling reluctant to leave. Somehow the warm kitchen felt comforting.

“I know they’re you’re favorite.” He replied turning towards the sink to begin washing up.

"Your mom isn't around, is she? I'm not really looking forward to seeing her. She hates me." I suddenly had visions of Mrs. Mellark descending upon us and attacking Peeta with her rolling pin. While he was perfectly capable of defending himself whether he would or not was another story. 

"No, they're not living with me. Actually, she doesn't hate you. She is proud that I'm a "rich Victor." Peeta's voice was tinged with bitterness. Somehow winning the Hunger Games had made his mother respect him for the first time. And that didn't make him happy. Because how could something so horrible be a source of pride.

“I don’t think that’s the endorsement I want," I replied. It was almost more unsettling to think of Mrs. Mellark not hating me. 

“I didn’t think so. But don’t worry. She never comes around here. My brothers do and my father but not her.” 

“I better go. But I’ll bring that cream over soon. And you should come for dinner sometime. My mother is talking about cooking something special next Sunday.” I wasn’t sure how my family would react to having Peeta around. But knowing how things were we would all have to get used to his presence in my life. And I thought that they wouldn’t dislike him once they got to know him. 

“That would be nice. It gets a little lonely around here. I do eat with my family but it’s different. My brothers were always making the house so loud. This place is so quiet.”  
I understood what he was talking about. In our old place in the Seam, the whole neighborhood hummed with noise. Even when it was unpleasant it reminded one of others nearby. But in Victor's Village the only sounds were the occasional rattle in Haymitch's house and the one time Peeta had lost his balance and dropped a dish.

I slipped out the door and headed to the fence checking to see that the electricity was off. It was the first time I had been back since the morning of the Reaping. Had it really only been about 2 months since that day? I felt like a different person. I could feel the changes inside of me and it scared me. For the first time, the forest wasn't a source of comfort to me. The Arena had been a forest too. I thought about Rue dancing from limb to limb and the way her body looked lying still and quiet. I thought about tracker jackers and Glimmer’s body. 

Gale was late and I almost thought he wasn't coming. Was he angry with me over the Star-Crossed Lover's thing? He had never made a secret of his dislike of Merchants. Then I remembered that he had a special hatred for one of the older Mellark boys. Apparently, he had a fondness for flirting with Seam girls. I didn’t know if I could stand if Gale was seriously angry with me. He was my cousin but more like a brother to me. And the only person I knew that I could truly trust and be myself around. 

I heard a slight rustling behind me and I whirled around with my bow and arrow poised and ready. For an instant, the tall and dark figure of Gale morphed into Marvel's fair skin and light brown hair. I could see the spear in his hands and I felt the desperation as the spear headed towards Rue. Then I snapped out of it. I had been about to shoot my own cousin. I dropped my bow and shuddered. Maybe I really was going crazy? I was a dangerous person. What if I had another one of those episodes?

“Hey there Catnip. Is that the way you greet your favorite cousin?” I could see the apprehension in Gale’s eyes but he knew me well enough not to acknowledge this. I wasn’t ready to talk about what I had really seen.

"You startled me," I replied as he came closer.

“Sorry. I didn’t think you would be coming today.” He added.

“And why not? I come every Sunday.” I was angry that he had thought I would just give up the commitment of years just because I was a Victor. 

"I guess I thought you would be sleeping in now that you don't need to hunt anymore," Gale replied.

“Well, I’m not. I haven’t changed that much.” But I had. No wonder he thought I had changed. I had nearly shot him.

I pulled out the tea and the cheese buns out of my pack and lay them out on a scrap of fabric. “What did you get?”

“Some squirrels and fish. A rabbit. Strawberries. Not the best haul.” 

I took a cheese bun and bit into it hoping that would encourage Gale to eat one too. It seemed vitally important that he accept Peeta at least that much. The thought of my family being split apart of Peeta made me feel sick. I didn't care about what most people thought but I did care about them. When it came down to it family was the most important thing.

“Where did you get those?” he asked me. 

“Peeta gave them to me.” I replied. 

“I don’t want something from your rich Victor boyfriend. He probably feels sorry for your poor family that can’t afford to eat.”

“That’s not true. I have enough money to buy this outright. But Peeta is baking a lot. I guess his leg keeps him up at night. The food would just go to waste.”

“Whatever. I just don’t want to be a charity case.” 

“You aren’t. You know you would do the same if you were in the same position.”

Gale nodded. It was true that he would have taken care of my family if he had been the Victor. And I probably would have been just as leery of accepting help.

“You know the Mellark boys reputation with girls? I don’t like it. I don’t want you to be another Seam girl taken in by some guy who sweet talks his way into her life. He benefited a lot from your coming to save him. He wouldn’t have lasted past the first few minutes without that interview.” 

Was it true? Was Peeta one of those guys I had been warned about who took advantage of poor girls? But even if he had been it didn’t concern me. We were just friends. It didn’t matter how many girls he took to the Slagheap. 

“Peeta’s not like that. He really is nice. And he saved my life too.” 

“I don’t know. His brother is horrible. And I don’t believe his whole ‘I love you so much’ thing. He doesn’t even know you.”

"It's not real. I mean the whole Star-Crossed Lovers thing. It's just for the Games. But now the Capitol is angry with us and could go after all of us and our families. So we have to keep playing the game and I’m so sick of it.”

I hadn’t meant to say it. But the words slipped out before I knew it. I needed Gale to understand what was at stake. I took a sip of tea hoping it would sooth my suddenly dry throat.

“You mean he was just faking it too?” Gale asked. I nodded feeling that it would be better for Peeta for Gale to think it was all an act. That way he would think that it was some strategy cooked up by Haymitch. 

“And now you have to live with it? When is it going to stop? When one of you wants to marry someone else?”

"I'm not getting married at all," I replied.

"You know it would have been a lot easier if you had just let him die," Gale answered.

I stood up abruptly. He didn’t understand. How could he? He didn’t understand what the Games were like. He didn’t understand how alone one felt out there. “I couldn’t. We’re friends. I couldn’t let him die.”

“Whatever. But this affects more than just you. The Capitol is mad at you being sentimental and is going to take it out on all of us. How could you kill yourself with Prim and your mom to take care of?” I could feel the anger in his tone. I tried thinking how I would feel if Gale had done the same thing. Threatened to swallow nightlock to save some girl’s life. I probably would have been just as angry.

“I just couldn’t. I couldn’t save… but I was able to save Peeta. And I’m not sorry.” I thought of Rue but couldn’t get her name out. It hurt too much.

"Well, I guess the real winner is, as usual, the Capitol. And the President. When I think of how they treat us I could burn the whole place down.”

“They aren’t all like that. I mean they are all kinda thoughtless but not all of them are mean.” Effie and the Prep team were silly but I didn’t hate them exactly. 

“It doesn’t matter. They still let it go on. Who cares if they’re mean?” I wasn’t sure what to say to that. So I just stood up and grabbed my bow. Hunting might cool our tempers. 

But as I trudged back home I felt sick. Was I always going to feel trapped and alone? Would I have to play the Star-Crossed Lovers routine for the rest of my life? Would my family ever understand what was going on? But it didn't really matter. All I could do was go on hoping things would improve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We didn't get much on Parcel Day so I had to try to make do with the little bits we got from canon. As you can see Katniss is feeling a bit vulnerable and wants reassurance that she isn't going crazy. The PTSD adjustment is stiff. I always felt like it was sort of swept under the rug at the beginning of Catching Fire. We also see the first hints of Gadge here. Clearly, Gale and Madge have been hanging out while Katniss was gone.   
> The conversation with Gale was hard to write. It is very important later in the story. I tried to remain in character while taking into account my plot twists. Obviously, Katniss's actions with the nightlock were revolutionary and her family might not be very happy about it. It might seem callous but this is the Hunger Games. Katniss admitting that it was an act to Gale but not to her mother/aunt seems pretty normal for teens. They tend to talk to their friends more than their parents. But Katniss is already figuring out that her comfortable relationships are starting to change. She was forced to grow up way too fast and her family doesn't really understand.


	15. Chapter 15 Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss has a conversation with her mom, aunt, and Prim. Haymitch offers her a warning. Trigger: Implied abortions

I wasn't looking forward to my conversation with my mother and aunt. Knowing them I would probably be treated to the most embarrassing conversation in my life. But trying to avoid it was impossible. My mother could be stubborn when she got it into her head. And my Aunt was the most stubborn person I had ever met. The combination of both of them was impossible to resist.

After picking some stuff up at the Hob I went home to change into dry clothes and reluctantly walk to the Hawthornes. I often bought more than I needed at the Hob since I couldn't give any of them money but I could make generous trades. I bought some pretty purple yarn died with beets from the old lady sitting by her spinning wheel. Aunt Hazelle was a prodigious knitter and I hoped the yarn might have made her less inclined to lecture me.

"Thank you, Katniss." She stood up and placed the yarn against my face, "It looks lovely on you. Perhaps you'd like a scarf?"

I shook my head, "It's for you. Please make yourself something. Cinna has made me all the clothes I'll ever need."

My Aunt shook her head and muttered something about Capitol clothing not being as good as something she knit. But she sat back down as my mother and I took our own seats. She reached into her knitting bag where a sock was suspended on the needles. It was another hand knit for the endless pairs of Hawthorne feet that wore through socks like Haymitch through wine.

"Now Katniss, I know your mother already talked to you about this. But I think you need a little reminder now and again. You're at that age when most people start experimenting."

My mother interjected, "I already told them she's too young to have a boyfriend."

Aunt Hazelle laughed, "You really think that's going to stop it? I told Gale that a hundred times and guess how many times I hear something about him and some girl at the Slag Heap. And we don't know much about that Mellark boy except that his brother has run through practically every girl in the district."

I decided that the truth would be the best. Not of course about the whole fake romance but about us being friends. "You don't need to worry. Peeta and I aren't dating. Mom told me I couldn't."

"And when have you listened to your mother, Katniss? Besides, I saw you on TV. You weren't worrying much about your mother's opinion then, were you?"

I sighed thinking that all the killing ought to have bothered people more. But somehow talking about killing was harder than talking about this sort of stuff.

"Katniss, what we're getting at is that we understand that you're young and have desires and that's ok except that you have to be careful. I know when I was just a little older than you when I met your father. And sometimes…" My mother broke off her sentence at my horrified expression. I didn't want to hear about my mother's desires. I wasn't a prude but nobody wanted to know about stuff like that. Besides, it got really uncomfortable when I remembered my mother used to date Peeta's father.

"Come on, Katniss. You can't go running away. I'm sure you encountered far worse in the Capitol. All they sell is sex and murder." Aunt Hazelle shooed me back into my chair. There was no getting out of this.

"We don't want to embarrass you…" my mother started to say.

"She needs to hear it. Better she's embarrassed than pregnant." My Aunt replied shaking her head at both of us. My mother had already talked to me years ago about pregnancy. I knew more than most girls in the District. That was why I was so adamant I wasn't getting married.

"I haven't…Please, I'm not…I don't want to…" I stammered out. Knowing my Aunt she was just getting started.

"You say that now. But you'll change your tune. I remember when I was your age. I wanted to have a good time. I hadn't met your Uncle yet. I was pretty popular back then and I'll admit I spent some time at the Slag Heap. Well, it wasn't the Slag Heap then but a place nearby. But then my sister got pregnant. And she was only 16. Do you know what happened to her?"

I shook my head but I suspected something terrible had happened. I had never heard of this mysterious sister.

Aunt Hazelle continued, "Her name was Marcy. She was doing pretty well. My parents were furious over it but they took her in and made sure she had enough to get by. But then the baby came but there was something wrong and they couldn't save her. I sat there and cried. I knew I wasn't going to ever end up in her place."

"That's why I'm never having kids," I replied thinking of the poor girl who had died at my age.

"Someday, when you're older." My mother countered. I shook my head. It didn't matter how many times my mother or Aunt tried to act like a few years and a toasting later you were suddenly safe from childbirth, illness or Reapings.

"Yeah and any kid I had would be Reaped. I already told you that I'm not getting married or having kids. So this conversation is basically pointless."

"Katniss, what we're trying to say is that if you want to have sex you have to let us help you. We aren't stupid. You probably won't wait until you get married. But we want to be safe. Your mother knows all about preventing pregnancy."

"But I don't…" I shot back. I just wanted this conversation to be over with.

My mother and Aunt exchanged a look. They looked surprised and I wondered if I had said something strange. Having sex hadn't been anything I had worried about. I didn't have the time or the inclination or even anyone I was interested in. Obviously, there had been moments during the Games I had felt something but I wasn't sure what it was.

"Well, in that case, if you change your mind please come see me. I know what roots you can get in the forest. I promise you I won't judge you or embarrass you." My mother seemed suddenly eager to finish the conversation.

Perhaps I had convinced her that I didn't need it. I knew enough about what she was talking about to know it wasn't foolproof. Sometimes the roots weren't available and when they were they didn't always work. I had seen the pregnant women come in knowing that if they had another baby they would die. My mother gave them a strong medicine and then they would miscarry. She only did that when the risk of the pregnancy was worse than the risk of the medicine. I don't think my mother enjoyed that process but she had to do it. There was no use letting the woman die.

"I know I come off as stern. And you probably heard Gale complain about how strict I am. But it's different for him. He's just plain careless. You are a lot like me, you know. Always want things to be in control. Don't want to care about people. Your father was so cheerful and rebellious. I was always the quiet one. The practical one. I certainly didn't want to fall in love. And look at me. Four kids later. But I wouldn't trade them in for anything. I don't know much about Peeta Mellark. But if he's a good boy I won't say anything against him." My Aunt looked at me with a thoughtful expression. I wondered if she was thinking about my father and uncle having died in that mine explosion.

I wondered if she regretted the kids. I would have but maybe I was just different.

"I think he is. I knew his father," my mother added.

"Well, he could take after his mother. And we all know what she's like," Aunt Hazelle replied.

"He isn't. Like his mother I mean. He's kind." I thought of talking to him early in the morning and feeling so comforted by knowing I wasn't alone.

"Then invite him for supper next week. We'd all like to meet him." My mother said gently.

"Ok," I said reluctantly. I didn't like how I had to be forced into a relationship and how I couldn't be honest and admit I just wanted some time to adjust to the Games. But trying to explain the whole thing and not have it get out was too much.

My mother and I went home soon where we found Prim playing with Buttercup and drinking milk. We had never been able to afford luxuries like milk except for goat's milk. But now we had a well-stocked refrigerator with plenty of food. It made me a little sick to eat it myself but I always smiled when I saw Prim eating. I already noticed little changes. He clothing no longer hung on her frame and soon she would need new ones. She had a healthy flush to her cheeks and her hair was shiny. She looked so beautiful.

"Are you ok, Katniss?" she asked me as she followed me to my room.

"I'm tired," I confessed as I laid down. She curled up beside me and rested her head against my shoulder.

"I know you're not sleeping. I wish there was something I could do." Prim, with her desire to save everyone, was trying to help me. I couldn't let her be this worried.

"I'm ok. I guess it just takes time to get used to things." I tried to reassure her.

"Are you ok after the talk with mom and Aunt Hazelle?" Prim asked.

"Yes, of course. I didn't know Dad had another sister who died when he was young."

"Oh, you mean Aunt Marcy? I saw her picture once in the old photo album Aunt Hazelle has." Prim said without surprise.

"How did you know that?"

"Because I pay attention to things. Besides she looks a lot like you. Except for your face. Your face looks more like mom's."

I had never thought I resembled my mother at all. But looking closely at us one could see the resemblance. The same chin, nose, and mouth. Only my eyes were my father's. Prim, on the other hand, had my mother's hair and eyes but my father's expression.

"I missed you. When you were gone. I was so afraid you wouldn't come back. And I know nothing will ever be the same. But won't you tell me what I can do?" Prim clung to me and I held her close. She smelled like the lilac soap Effie had sent me and I had promptly given to Prim.

"I missed you too, little duck. But I don't need help. I'm fine." I said more confidently than I felt.

Prim sent me a look. She wasn't convinced and it suddenly struck me that she was already older than she had been before she was Reaped. "I know you aren't. But at least you have Peeta. He understands."

"Yes, he does. But mom says we're too young to date so we're just friends right now." I told her. I needed to avoid any awkward questions about why we weren't kissing or something.

"Mom. Sometimes she can be soo strict." Prim complained sighing dramatically.

"She's just worried about me." I defended her for the first time in my life. It wasn't my mother's warning but Prim couldn't know that and as usual, I had said the wrong thing.

"Are you sick? When have you ever defended Mom? And when have you ever done anything she says?" Prim was looking at me suspiciously.

I glanced around me frantically. I couldn't let the Capitol know any of this. I imagined them listening intently waiting for me to slip up so they could pounce on me. " I'm just not ready for you know. That kind of thing."

Prim giggled, "You are so funny, Katniss. That's ok. If Peeta's trying to…"

"No, no… It's not him. I mean, I just got home. I'm just trying to get used to things."

"Ok. But if he does anything to hurt you I'll make him pay." Prim told me gravely. I nearly laughed at the idea of my tiny little sister who was as gentle as lamb hurting a big strong boy like Peeta. Then again Rue had been a formidable ally and was just as small as Prim.

"And how would you do that, Little Duck?" I asked tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

" I would use poison. I know all that sort of stuff." I flinched thinking that already the Games had effected Prim.

My mother called for Prim to go down and help her with a patient who needed their ankle set and she disappeared downstairs with a clatter. I got up and paced the room for a moment wishing I had something to do. Besides hunting, occasionally cooking meals and watching Prim I had very little worthwhile to accomplish. I didn't even have school, which had never been very interesting, but at least had been something.

Effie had already begun pestering me about my supposed "talent". I could hardly tell her it was illegal hunting. She suggested music but I refused to sing for the Capitol's benefit. There was flower arranging, cooking, sewing, painting and various kinds of music I could specialize in. Cinna offered to help me with "designing" clothes. I was tempted but I didn't even like fashion much. Aunt Hazelle offered to teach me to knit. I didn't think I had the patience to knit but at least the Capitol would be embarrassed by my ugly sweaters. I could imagine poor Effie trying to think of something interesting to say about a holey scarf. There was something satisfying about refusing to live according to their image of me. And there was the ultimate safety in the illusion that I was nothing more than a girl in a pretty dress that produces ugly sweaters. Nothing rebellious in that.

After supper, I brought a plate of food to Haymitch who probably wouldn't have eaten at all except what my family and Peeta brought him. I wondered how he had survived being a Victor all alone in that big house in Victor's Village. I didn't bother knocking but barged right into the unlocked kitchen. Normally someone as rich as Haymitch wouldn't leave their door unlocked but Haymitch didn't have anything worth stealing. Nobody wanted rat infested, vomit covered clothing or furniture. Even if someone had broken in Haymitch carried a knife and wouldn't have hesitated in using it.

I poured water in his face after a fruitless effort to wake him up. He sputtered and waved his knife around in wild circles. I sprang back, my body practiced after years of hunting. "What did you do that for, girl?"

"I brought you some food my mother made," I replied laying the plate on the table.

"So, you and the boy going to produce some noxious offspring to disturb my peace and quiet?" he drawled. I nearly tipped the plate into his face. The only thing stopping me was that Haymitch would probably have found it amusing. He knew quite well things weren't like that. Unlike Aunt Hazelle and my mother who genuinely worried about me, Haymitch was just trying to make me uncomfortable. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of screaming.

"No, I'm not having kids. And my mother says I'm too young to date." I schooled my voice into indifference.

"Sweetheart, it isn't your mother stopping you." He replied taking a bite of the squirrel stew my mother had prepared.

I flinched. Haymitch knew that I had been acting for much of the Games and that I hadn't known how I really felt. It took me a moment to realize that he was warning me. That even though Peeta and I hadn't broken off contact we still didn't resemble a couple. In District 12 people wouldn't think anything of it. But in the Capitol where romance was overblown, they might suspect that I was acting. Haymitch was warning me that best friend wouldn't cut it. Treating Peeta like he was Madge wouldn't satisfy the Capitol.

Panic filled me. I just wanted this to be over. I didn't mind being Peeta's friend. He was nice to be around and we didn't need to worry about other people thinking we were crazy. But I didn't want a boyfriend or the Capitol telling me how I could live and who I could love.

"Listen, I'm sure your mother will come around eventually. Why don't you invite him over for dinner? And you can always sneak out of the house." To the listening Capitol ears, it would sound like Haymitch was trying to help the Star-Crossed Lovers stay together despite parental interference. But to me, he was warning me to keep the Capitol in mind. To remember that they were always watching.

"Why would I listen to you? It's not like you have any experience," I said in an aggravated tone as I stalked out of the room. But I saw Haymitch's wink and knew he understood my meaning.

I went back and helped Prim and my mother prepare the herb tincture they used for muscle pain. Apparently, Hazelle said Gale was struggling with the mines and the unending physical labor that went along with it. I tried not to think about him slaving away in that horrible place my father and uncle died in. I tried not thinking about what would happen if the Capitol found out I had been acting.

"I'll invite Peeta over for dinner on Sunday," I said quietly trying to disguise the anxiety welling up in me at the thought of all that was at stake.

"Of course. I'd like to meet him." My mother said but I could tell she was wondering about my suddenly deferential attitude. Why I suddenly was so obedient where I had never been before? If only she knew the real reason.

Well, the Capitol would get their Star-Crossed Lovers. But only for a time. Only at certain times. We would have to work out some sort of code of when we put on the act and when we can be ourselves. At least as much of ourselves as we ever could be. When we were acting there couldn't be any emotions. It was just an act. It wasn't really us any more than the girl who twirled on Ceasar's stage represented the real me. In real life, we would be allies, friends, and neighbors. I lifted my chin forcing myself to remain calm. I could do this. I didn't have a choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had originally intended the conversation with Katniss's mom and Hazelle to be funny and awkward. But as I wrote it came out more serious. Although let's admit it's still awkward. I think District 12 is probably a pretty conservative place in regards to sex but I actually think Katniss's mom is probably more accepting than most. I hope the reference to abortion isn't offensive. I believe Katniss's mother likely performed abortions occasionally. Because they were dangerous she probably only did it when things were very serious. I also think Katniss knows more about pregnancy than most girls in District 12. There is a reason she is so opposed to marriage. Aunt Marcy is a character I made up. I think she will be an important character in the Mockingjay portion of the story. I have plans for her.  
> I wanted to have some Katniss/Prim interaction and show how much Prim has grown up even in a few months. I think Prim would protect Katniss if she had the opportunity. I'm fairly certain Prim was very guilty over Katniss volunteering for her.
> 
> Haymitch's warning was inserted because I always thought it was crazy unrealistic that he didn't give Katniss and Peeta a single warning over how they were being seen by the Capitol. They really are in a Catch 22. Katniss isn't ready for a relationship but she needs to look like a girl who is desperately in love in order to appease the Capitol. And every time that she does it hurts Peeta. So they basically can't win. And she's not being honest with her family so she's basically trying to figure things out on her own


	16. Chapter 16 The Stage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss has a conversation with Madge and she and Peeta discuss strategy.

It was a relief to visit Madge. She had been such an unconscious fixture in my life for so long I never felt obligated to say or do anything. She didn't seem to be a gossipy person who would spend the whole time talking about fashion and boys. I took a plate of cookies decorated with flowers along with me. Peeta had, of course, made them. As I looked at them my stomach roiled reminding me of what I would have to tell him.

Would he hate me? Certainly, if I was him I would hate me. I pretended to care for him, demanded he becomes my friend and then proceeds to put himself and his whole family in danger. But I had no choice. The Capitol must be satisfied with my actions. How I hated them for forcing me into this position. If I had the time and inclination I might have had a chance to understand myself. As it was I was under a constant sense of pressure.

"Katniss, thank you. They're beautiful." Madge took the plate from me and set it on the little table she had set out under a tree. It was a lovely late summer day my father would have called "Indian Summer." Apparently, that term was hundreds of years old.

"I can't take credit. Peeta made them." I replied as I sat down across from her. She was dressed like normal in her simple white shirt and plain beige pants and her hair pulled back from her face.

"Well, you'll have to thank him for them," Madge replied pouring the tea into a cup. Effie would have approved of this. But she probably wouldn't have approved of the fact that we were trying to escape the surveillance of the Capitol.

"So is school as boring as it always was?" I questioned feeling an absurd feeling of nostalgia for the awful District 12 school.

"Yes, it is. But I have a new lunch companion." Madge replied.

"Oh? Who is it?" I said not caring particularly either way. Madge had a perfect right to sit where she wanted.

"Delly Cartwright. She is a little too much sometimes but one of the advantages of being with someone who never shuts up is that you never have to say much." Madge said with a slight smile.

"How did that happen? Did she just come up to you?" I asked wondering how Madge stood Delly. Delly was a perfectly nice person but five minutes in her company gave me a headache.

"No, we saw each other when we were visiting you and Peeta. She is his best friend. We watched the Games together when we're at school."

A strange emotion passed over me. I wasn't sure what it was. I already felt as if I had died and people were talking about me as if I no longer existed. And Delly Cartwright was Peeta's best friend. To my knowledge, he never talked about her except when comparing the Avox girl but here was Delly expressing such an interest in his welfare and me being cold and cruel.

"I heard you and Gale watched the Games together," I remarked wincing at how much like an accusation the words sounded like.

Madge flushed slightly but remained composed as she carefully took a strawberry from the bowl. "Yes, we did. His family is very nice. And he isn't as bad as I thought."

I didn't like this. Madge didn't belong in our lives with her strawberries and fine dresses and tea parties. I had thought Gale was completely immune to her or any particular girl for that matter. Maybe he wasn't interested in Madge at all and just spent time with her just like he did with all those girls? But if so why had he invited her home. To my knowledge, he had never done that before.

"I guess not. But what about your parents?" I had a feeling the mayor and his wife wouldn't approve of Madge's new friendship.

"They don't know. My dad is always working and my mom is sick most of the time. I'm more worried about Alda finding out than anyone else." Madge replied. Alda must have been the stern-faced maid that led me into the garden.

"Madge, It's not about you. It's just that, well, you're rich. And people like that don't mix with our kind. I mean its different for us. We're you know…" I tried putting all of my thoughts into words but it ended up coming out a disjointed mess.

" If anyone's heart is in danger it's not Gale's. As for anything else don't worry. I know how to stay safe." Madge looked oddly unruffled as she sat there drinking her tea. I marveled at her poise. I would have been a mess talking about things like that. I supposed she was right. Gale had never stayed with one girl more than a few weeks.

"Besides I think we're on the same page. Neither of us is interested in a serious relationship."

I broke a cookie and nibbled on it thoughtfully. Already my body was becoming used to such foods. I no longer viewed it as something I had to focus on. Madge was more like me than I thought. I had thought she was obsessed with romance like most girls but she didn't seem like it.

"I agree. I'm not either." I replied without thinking. Then I pressed a hand in front of my face in horror. I couldn't reveal that. The Capitol couldn't know I wasn't desperately in love. But it was so hard to keep pretending this was my choice.

Madge didn't say anything but sat looking at me until I went on, "I mean not yet. I'm too young. I…"

"Katniss, I know you did it for the Games." Madge's voice was calm as she poured me more tea which I accepted gratefully as my throat suddenly felt dry. Tea was something everyone in District 12 drank. It kept you warm, filled your stomachs and was generally all people could afford to serve others. We always had a variety of teas most of them medicinal to treat a variety of ailments.

"You could tell. It was that obvious?" I questioned suddenly panicked that everyone in the country knew.

"No, but I've known you for awhile. And you don't seem to be the type to fall in love so quickly. Plus it didn't seem like you."

"The Capitol is furious about the berries. I have to keep on playing the game. And it's so hard. I'm not good at this. I do care about Peeta. I just don't know how or why and I don't have the time to worry about it."

Madge nodded, "Well, you can always start with friendship."

"It's not enough. The Capitol doesn't just want us to be talking like you and I. They want their Star-Crossed Lovers." I was suddenly furious at them. If only they would leave me alone I might be able to find my way back to myself.

"You did a good job before. You can do it again."

"It's not that simple. Peeta actually cares about me. I know if I keep up this act he'll hate me."

"Did you tell him that? I mean how you feel."

"Yea, and he was mad. Then I told him I wanted to be friends and he agreed. I didn't know if I could handle just having Haymitch to talk to. His advice would probably to get drunk. Which by the way doesn't seem the worst."

Madge smiled, "Katniss, you aren't responsible for that. It's the Hunger Games for goodness sake. And he came up with the whole Star-Crossed Lovers thing. If he's mad at you for a strategy that saved your lives then he doesn't deserve the time of day. As for taking Haymitch's advice, I think District 12 needs just one alcoholic mentor."

Was Madge right? I couldn't be sure of it. But it didn't really matter since I had bigger things to worry about than hurt feelings. I needed Peeta's cooperation to successfully carry this thing off. The Capitol had their eyes everywhere. And he was so good at playing to them.

"I guess," I said non committally staring at the straggling flower bed that seemed out of place in the Mayor's fine house.

"Why don't you two come over to my house? There are cameras constantly and I can help you. I'm pretty good at playing the Capitol. I've been doing it for years."

"I'm taking your help without paying you back," I said.

"Well, you could teach me to hunt. I've been dying to go into the forest." Madge replied with genuine excitement in her tone.

"Deal. You teach me to act and I'll teach you to hunt." Madge reached her hand out and shook mine before smiling.

It was amazing how much easier it was to talk to Madge rather than my family. Maybe because I was her own age or maybe because she didn't take things so personally. I decided that Madge really was my friend. She had given me the pin that had attracted so much attention.

"By the way, don't you want your pin back?" I asked suddenly aware that I should give it back. It looked very expensive.

"No, of course not. I gave it to you. And you made it famous anyway."

The next morning I spent in the forest hunting trying to steel myself for the conversation later. I hated potentially emotional conversations especially when it involved the Capitol. If I could have pushed it off forever I would have done so but I didn't dare take a chance. My family was in danger.

"Hey, would you take a walk?" I appeared at Peeta's doorstep after dropping the game off at my house.

"Sure. I'd love to. Just let me put this away." He disappeared for a moment before reappearing. I noticed a swirl of paint on his arm. Was that what he was doing? Painting. Before the Games, I would have thought that was the most useless in the world but now that we were rich things seemed different.

"Haymitch gave me another message," I announced once we were in the little lane leading from Victor's Village to town.

"And what was that? Why doesn't he ever talk to me?" Peeta sounded aggravated and I sighed. Things weren't going to go well and I hadn't even started.

"Because he knows I need more work. He told me I had to do something else. That this wasn't enough."

Peeta sighed, " What more do they expect us to do?"

"I guess because we don't act like most couples. You know the ones at school that are like holding each other's hand and all over each other." I wrinkled my nose. That had always been the type of stuff I was never interested in.

"So where do we start? Hold hands, kiss in public, call each other sappy nicknames?"

"I guess." It all felt so fake. "But I'm not good at this."

"I'm not very good either. I mean I've had girlfriends before but it wasn't like this."

I wasn't sure how I felt about him casually mentioning girlfriends not that I had any claim over him. And besides I knew I didn't care about him like that. But I felt even more backward than ever being so inexperienced.

"Like what," I asked a little more sharply than I intended. I didn't want to sound jealous.

"Well, for one thing, I didn't have the government breathing down my neck. And they didn't last very long either."

" What do you want me to call you?" I asked bluntly trying to divert the subject of ex-girlfriends. For some reason that made me get an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.

"Something serious enough that you can keep a straight face and silly enough that we know it's fake. How about dear?" He smiled at me.

"Ugh sounds like something Mrs. Burlson would have said in Grammer. But it will do."

"I can call you Sweetheart."

"No, don't. Haymitch calls me that and I couldn't stand it if more people called me that." I thought about telling him to call me Catnip but it felt too personal. Catnip was the name Gale and to some extent the rest of my family used. It wasn't meant to entertain listening ears.

"Hmm. How about Honey?" I shuddered. Honey was even worse but at least it felt so unlike me it was like two different people.

"Ok."

We walked back to his house and we were inside I supposed it was time to start our little routine. The cameras were everywhere and I could imagine the hungry Capitol eyes watching our every move. My hands started to get sweaty and my heart raced and not from love. I reached out and wrapped my arms around him. This part didn't feel so bad. He smelled like cinnamon and dill and I felt warm and comfortable. Unfortunately, I didn't think a hug would satisfy them.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look?" He trailed a hand down my braid. Somehow he made it look natural. I wouldn't have guessed it was a strategy except that he didn't meet my eyes.

I giggled and said, "You say it all the time. But you're beautiful."

"Beautiful? I'm not sure I like that. What about undeniably handsome?" I laughed outright feeling a little tension drain out of me.

"Ok, you win, dear," I whispered loudly. The real me would have fought with him. But Capitol Katniss had to pretend to go along with it all. I stood on tiptoe and pressed my lips to his. It felt awkward, more so than any of the kisses in the arena or on stage. I didn't have time to consider this. I was just trying to salvage something out of the mess I was making the whole thing. I could feel a hundred unseen eyes and it made my hands shake. I wanted to be alone. But we were doing all of this for their benefit.

He pulled away and pressed a kiss to the side of my head. Then my stomach growled loudly and we sprang apart laughing. The sudden anticlimactic end to what we had hoped was an appropriately romantic moment added a touch of the ridiculous to something so frightening.

"Here. I think you need something to eat. I swear you have a pit for a stomach." He winked at me and I grinned back feeling like my teeth stuck out unnaturally. But I genuinely was hungry so I wouldn't have protested even if I could have.

Peeta gathered the food and proposed we sit in the garden behind the house. My mother had mentioned planting vegetables and herbs there come spring so that I wouldn't have to go into the woods for our most commonly used herbs. In the Seam, there was little soil suitable for planting. I liked gardening. There was something restful about the neat row of useable food and medicine and the way the soil felt under your fingers.

"So that pretty much sucked," Peeta said as he handed me a plate with a sandwich.

"I'm doing my best," I replied angerly. I didn't really blame him but the Capitol wasn't freely available. Plus I didn't like being reminded how inexperienced and awkward I was.

"I know. But we have to do something. That wouldn't take in anyone."

I sighed knowing he was right. I took a bite and allowed myself to swallow before saying, "What brilliant idea do you have?"

"Go back to where we were before. Once we're on the Victory Tour we won't have a choice. But right now in District 12, we don't have to pretend."

"But I do. Because they are mainly angry at me. I took the berries. And I'm the cold-hearted bitch." I could feel the hot blood travel to my face.

" Katniss, are you…are you repulsed by me?" I could hear the sudden insecurity in his tone. A wave of guilt washed over me. Here I was blaming him for something that wasn't his fault.

"Of course not. Why would you say something like that?" I replied.

"Because you seemed so uncomfortable. You know I'd never want you to…do something you're uncomfortable with."

"It's not about you. It's how they're always watching. It's worse somehow than being there. It's like you can't be free even in your house. Somehow it just feels worse than being outside in public."

"I know. Sometimes when I am doing something like dressing I can feel them watching me."

"Maybe we can skip the kissing. And the whole stupid names and mushy stuff." I wasn't sure what was left of our strategy but it didn't matter.

"Good idea. But I'm still calling you honey sometimes." He said finally eating himself.

"Why?" I scowled at him and threw a tiny bit of paper I found on the ground at him.

"Because it's funny to see how mad you get."

Somehow us just sitting here talking and eating felt far more convincing than all the attempts at being romantic. Perhaps the Capitol would be convinced by this. I began to feel a renewed sense of hope as I said, "By the way, my family wants to meet you."

"What's the odds that I don't survive?" Peeta quipped back.

"I'll protect you." I replied and then quickly added, "Not because I like you but because I'm not doing the Victory Tour alone."

" Well, then I guess I won't protect you from my mother. Not that I could. She's dying to meet you." Peeta didn't meet my eyes as he said it and I could see the way he hid his face that his mother was still a sore subject.

"She's probably dying to kill me. Fortunately, the feeling is mutual."

" I don't think so. She's too busy complaining about me and then praising me to the neighbors."

"I'll come. It's only fair since you have to visit my family. Besides, I think I'll enjoy scaring her to death."

"I'd enjoy it too." Peeta looked at me with an odd expression on his face. Once the joking self-deprecating exterior was pierced there was a world of hurt inside. I wished suddenly that I could have done something to make that witch of a woman treat her son right. But that was as pointless as wishing my mother hadn't nearly let us starve to death. At least my mother wasn't willfully cruel. But if there was one thing I wasn't looking forward too it was dinner with the Mellarks. I had a feeling that woman had the potential to make it truly memorable. But I wasn't a victor of the Hunger Games for nothing. It would be well to remind her of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I didn't post last week but my dad was in the hospital all week. He's home now and fortinately much better. I will also start posting on Tuesday or Thursday as I don't have Mondays free anymore. I love how we get a chance to see Katniss and Madge interacting. And we see our first real hints of Gadge. Katniss isn't entirely happy as she is nervous about Madge being a rich Merchant. It's not personal to Madge. But she is concerned about the ramifications of this relationship. It also looks too much like her parents for her to be comfortable with.
> 
> I know the scene with Peeta was awkward. It was meant to be. She's not ready for a relationship but the Capitol is insisting so it puts a real strain on their new friendship. She's also a wee bit jealous of Peeta's ex-girlfriends. Unlike in canon she really hasn't had anyone interested in her so she feels pretty out of the loop. I know her saying she won't protect him except that she won't do the Victory Tour alone sounds harsh but I promise it's a joke. We'll meet Mrs. Mellark next time. I hope you all enjoy reading about her. I had fun taking her in a slightly different direction than usually done.


	17. Chapter 17 2 Dinners and a Dress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Posy gets photographed, Katniss and Gale have an argument, Peeta and Katniss meet each other's family and she pays back a debt.

The Capitol camera crew and my prep team came on Saturday to dress Posy in Cinna's dress and take a bunch of photos with her. I could see the anxiety and anger on my Aunt's face but she didn't object. One didn't object to the Capitol. Posy was too young to understand what it all meant besides the fact that she was being dressed up and forced to sit still while they took endless photos.

Posy was an absolute star and I heard the Preps praising her. In spite of myself, my estimation of them grew. They curled her straight hair into spiraled curls and avoided all but the lightest of lip color. Cinna's dress was pink and fluttery with a multitude of ribbons and ruffles that nearly made tiny Posy disappear.

Octavia patted the last curl into place and said happily, "You're just so adorable. I can't believe you grew up in District 12."

Posy said, "Thank you." Her voice was barely above a whisper but she treated the Preps as if they were the tiny winged creatures in one of my Grandfather's stories. They, in turn, lavished her with praise.

She endured the photographs far more patiently than I would have. When it was over and the camera crews left I drew a sigh of relief. While Peeta wasn't there the Preps had asked about him and I gave a long and cheerful story of him teaching me to bake that had never happened. It entertained the Preps and gave me a chance to continue the Star-Crossed Lovers routine.

I gave Vic and Rory their gifts as it wasn't fair that only Posy should get a gift. I gave Rory a model train and Vic a model hovercraft that made them smile and give me an unexpected hug. To me, trains and hovercrafts represented the Games but to them, they represented something exotic, a way of going someplace new. Rory was of Reaping age but none of us really knew what the Games were until you entered them. If I played my cards right they would never know what it was like. If I didn't the Capitol would do something to them.

On Sunday I went hunting with Gale. I knew he wasn't happy with the Star-Crossed Lovers thing but I needed to stop him from saying something in front of the rest of my family. He was the only one who knew the truth and I was terrified he would let something slip. I also hoped he would be civil to Peeta. I had never had a boyfriend before, much less a Merchant one, and I wasn't looking forward to a family argument on top of everything else. The situation was so complex, so fraught with potential landmines that I had no energy to waste on something so unimportant as whether one's family approved of my not boyfriend, boyfriend.

I remembered Madge's words as I sat waiting for him. I had been so busy and focused on surviving I had forgotten that she had revealed that there was something going on between them. I still wasn't sure how I felt about it but Gale was old enough to make his own decisions and even Aunt Hazelle wasn't worried about their friendship. I suddenly wished for something that simple. To have my biggest worry be something so trivial.

"Are you going to try to shoot me again?" he asked as he sat down beside me on the ledge that overlooked the valley. It was our spot. My father had another spot on top of a fallen log but I rarely went there. It brought too many sad memories. This spot was the present. All the people who went there were alive.

"No, I just got spooked," I replied nettled that I had betrayed myself.

"What's wrong? You look more nervous than Buttercup in a lightning shower." He frowned at me as I continued twisting my hands.

"Today has to go right. If they suspect anything's wrong they'll go after me."

"They really don't care what your family thinks. So are you afraid your boyfriend is going to be scared off by your barbarian, Seam family?" Gale's tone was sharp and I sighed.

"Hardly. Look at his mother. But you don't know them. They're just waiting for an opportunity to get rid of me."

"Listen. I'm not going to ever say the Capitol isn't the most fucked up place but I really don't think they'll come after you. Provided you don't go to the Slag Heap with a bunch of guys or do something crazy they really don't care what you think. I doubt there're being kept up at night over whether you really love Mellark. They just want you to do what they want in public and who cares about the rest."

Was he right? But then I remembered Haymitch's warning and wondered. Haymitch knew the Capitol far better than Gale did. He had spent 24 years going back and forth every year. He might be a drunk but he wasn't a fool. "Haymitch warned me. In his usual way but for some reason I get it. Maybe because he's Seam. He knows those people."

"I'm making sure Peeta knows if he does anything to get you in trouble or hurt you that I know how to make him sorry he ever had anything to do with us."

I rolled my eyes, "I don't need to be protected. I'm perfectly capable of defending myself. I'm a better shot even than you."

"Yea, but would you? You seemed pretty willing to die for the guy."

"Of course I would. And besides, you don't need to worry. Peeta wouldn't hurt me."

"Maybe, maybe not. He's a Merch. He can't understand us. You know all of them preying on Seam girls because they think they're exotic."

"Yea and what about all the Seam boys who think they score when they get a Merchant girl to the Slag Heap. What about all those Merch girls you took to the Slag Heap? What about Madge who happens to be my friend?" I felt unreasonably angry. I understood Gale's hesitation. He hadn't been through the Arena and didn't understand the bond formed between people. But him somehow implying I was being seduced rubbed me the wrong way.

"Don't bring Madge into this." He nearly shouted and I looked up in surprise. He had never reacted that way mentioning a girl before.

"Why not? She's the mayor's daughter. You know what would happen if anyone found out. Are you just playing with her for bragging rights?" I knew I was being unreasonable but that's the way our arguments always went. We blew up, said horrible things and then pushed it aside and moved on.

"Don't say that. You hear me? Madge…you shouldn't talk that way about her." I raised my eyebrows and stared him down.

"Then you shouldn't talk that way about Peeta. Or me." I replied but suddenly uneasily remembered Peeta mentioning past girlfriends and them not lasting long. Was Gale right? Even if he was it still made me mad.

"Listen. I don't trust him. But I won't do anything tonight. I know how worried you are. But I'm going to have a conversation with him. Hell, mom will probably beat me to it."

I wasn't particularly worried about Peeta's safety. He had survived an Arena and Cato. But I hated how my family seemed to think I was incapable of dealing with things on my own. Besides Gale knew that this was an act. Or at least parts of it were an act. I wasn't sure what to make of it.

" Stop being so hypocritical. You act like things are different because I'm a girl." I could feel myself relenting even as I spoke.

"I'm not. It's just you have a blind spot when it comes to him. And by the way, I really do like Madge. I'm not just playing with her because she's the Mayor's kid. I'm not that big a jerk hurting your friend."

Part of me was relieved that he really did like Madge but the other part of me was worried because him voluntarily admitting he liked a girl was rare. " And you think I have a blind spot? Madge's dad would kill you."

" I don't know how it happened. I thought she was a spoiled brat with her fancy dresses and strawberries. But she knows things. About the Capitol and the Games. She's smart and tougher than most people think. And yea its probably not the smartest thing I've ever done."

"That's the understatement of the year. Well, don't come crying to me when her dad finds out." I got up and we went on with our day. Despite all this worry about the Capitol and the way things worked hunting always forced us to put aside our differences. It still made me mad that he seemed to view us on different standards but I had given up trying to change him. Hopefully, Aunt Hazelle would be involved. While she was likely to give you a lecture within an inch of your life the situation was unlikely to end up in a fistfight.

The dinner was predictably awkward but at least there was no major outbreak of fighting. My Aunt stayed silent and spent the whole time staring at Peeta as if she expected to figure out all his secrets just by looking. The kids were too focused on the food to notice. Prim and my mother kept up the conversation and I tried to talk but found it nearly impossible to sustain anything about the weather. Peeta dealt with the whole thing with the same charm he had won over Ceasar Flickerman with. I could see my mother and Prim were yielding to it but Aunt Hazelle remained unconvinced. Gale stared at the china with an interest that would have impressed Effie. I could see the anger underlying his attempts at civility. By the end of the evening, I was exhausted but hopeful. Once the ice was broken surely my family would accept this new thing in the same way they had accepted my new house.

I couldn't say the same about my visit to Peeta's family. On the surface, everything appeared much more natural. The conversation never lagged. But despite the fact that it was his home Peeta looked far warier and dispirited. His brothers teased and laughed but there was a constant sense of unease and they frequently glanced at their mother. His father was his usual kindly ineffectual self, occasionally asking questions inserting comments. I was grateful for what he had done to help Prim but it was hard not to remember how he had allowed his son to suffer under that witch of a wife.

But it was Mrs. Mellark who surprised me the most. I had expected ill-disguised hostility if not physical violence but instead, she treated me with extreme politeness. I might have been from the Capitol itself. She asked me how I was settling in in the new house, how I was feeling and acted as if we had known each other for years. Only her eyes betrayed her. They glittered with a strange mixture of disbelief, satisfaction, and anger. She was an attractive woman despite her years. I wondered if her beauty had convinced the baker to marry her. I disliked her but found her far more complex than I had expected. If she had rude or loud I could have threatened her. It was impossible to deal with her politeness.

"Would you help me clear away the dishes, Miss Everdeen?" Her voice was quiet but there was unmistakable meaning in her tone. She intended to talk to me privately.

I got up and picked up a plate and followed her into the kitchen. I wouldn't allow her to intimidate me. Her manners were most likely to lull me into a false sense of security.

"I'm probably one of the few people who thought you had a chance at winning those Games." She said it as if she expected me to be pleased.

"And what about your son? Who says that to their son on Reaping day?" I felt my voice rise as I thought of the look on his face as he confessed what she had said.

"Come now, Miss Everdeen. You know he didn't have a chance at that point. We all knew that. I'm sure you didn't think he had a chance."

"I did. I was afraid he was going to kill me. He got a very good training score."

"Yes, well he surprised me. I didn't think he had it in him. Perhaps he inherited more from me than I thought. But you must admit that he would have died if not for you."

"And I would have died if he hadn't gotten Cato away from me," I replied aggressively attacking a plate with the rag.

"Regardless, the important thing is that I don't have any objection to your relationship. Normally being that you came from the Seam I would put a stop to it. But you are a Victor now and Victors should marry other Victors. The only other girl that would be suitable would be the Undersee girl but even she doesn't come with money. You mustn't think that I like you. I respect your position and no more."

"Fortunately I don't care whether you approve or not," I replied loftily.

"No. I'm sure you don't. But I might remind you that your position isn't a secure as it may seem. I'm not stupid enough to think you really love my son. All you were ever interested in was surviving. I don't particularly care. It's probably good for him considering his completely ridiculous infatuation with you. But if you do anything to drag our family through you're mud I might remind you that there will be more than me to account to." Mrs. Mellark's voice had grown ominously cold. It was almost as if she had been talking to the Capitol herself. There was no denying the woman was intelligent. But did she care for her son at all? Was she in some strange way trying to protect him? Or was she simply as cold as she acted?

" I care far more about him than you ever did," I replied.

"That remains to be seen, doesn't it? He doesn't care what I think anymore. But you, you have the power to hurt him. And you have probably already figured out what I have always known. That he loves far too deeply for a place like this. That it's a weakness. He's like his father in that."

What could I say to that? It was true that I had hurt him and continued to hurt him. It wasn't that I couldn't know if I returned his feelings. It was that I had to maintain this terrible act. And that I took so much support from him without giving much in return. And somehow this cold woman knew that and was pushing me into a corner. I studied her and noticed how her face and Peeta's were very much alike. The same colored eyes, the same nose and mouth, and chin. Both had a certain beauty but he utterly lacked the anger and the coldness. And yet did they? Hadn't I occasionally seen a trace of the same features in his face? But there was a difference. In his mother, they were a perpetual thing. On him, they occasionally came and then disappeared and often over rational things.

"At least he is good and kind which is more than anyone could say for you," I replied shortly.

"Oh yes, but you see I see kindness as a weakness. As do you, don't you? Anyway, let's go into the other room." She had the final word after all. I hated how she had managed to completely disarm me. I think I hated her more for the tremendous intelligence and craftiness than for her anger and violence.

As we walked home I could feel Peeta's tension. He walked with difficulty and I realized he must have injured his leg again with the effort to remain normal in front of his family. I thought of all the cruel things that woman had said and felt a wave of sadness. He didn't deserve that. There was nothing I could do about it. Any more than he could remove the pain of my mother's abandonment.

"Have you been putting on the cream my mother made?" I asked him not wanting to bring up his mother.

"Yea, but I guess not often enough. Sometimes the blood doesn't flow properly and other times it feels like it's falling asleep."

It took a great deal of effort to get him in the house. It was clear from the state of things that he hadn't done much. There wasn't a trace of the baked goods he normally made and as I helped him up the stairs I could smell the paint. It was clear it hadn't been a good few days. Probably he had forgotten to take care of his leg.

"What do you sleep in? I need to put the medicine on." I said authoritatively as I helped him sit down in the small armchair in his bedroom. The bed looked like it hadn't been slept in for a long time. The room looked unused.

"You don't need to do that." He replied but his voice was tight with exhaustion. Clearly, sleep was as hard to come by as for me.

I went through the drawers until I found a pair of pajamas but I quickly realized I wouldn't be able to roll it up high enough to apply the cream. "Here get decent and I'll help you with this."

I turned away and examined a painting on the wall. It was the cave in the Arena but it was empty. The sense of desolation was absolute. There were traces of blood and bandages but other than that there was no sign of life. I shivered and he said, "I'm decent."

I turned around and found he had stripped to the dress shirt and pair of shorts. It was ridiculous to be so easily embarrassed but I was. I felt my cheeks heating up as I went to the bedside and examined the jar of cream, "It's barely been used. No wonder your leg hurts."

"I just forget. And sometimes…" He paused.

"You what." I prodded stepping forward and kneeling in front of him. I took some cream in my hands and carefully applied it to the area around the prothetic. My hands were not as practiced as my mother's or Prim's but it did not occur to me to try to get their help. Somehow this felt like my responsibility. It was my responsibility for putting the tourniquet on.

"I feel like I deserve the pain." His voice was nearly inaudible.

How could he understand? How I often I felt the same way. How I sometimes felt guilty for eating, for taking a shower, for wearing my clothes knowing how I got them and how many go without. Knowing that everything you own is stained with blood. So many luxuries I now had. But they all made me guilty.

"Don't say that. You don't deserve this. But I do understand. All of this. Why we have it." I continued massaging the cream in and noticed the pattern of shifting emotions on his face. The relief and the tension mixed together.

I rubbed the excess cream off on a bit of paper in the bathroom and then stood there for a moment. I was reluctant to leave. I wanted to curl up beside him as I had in the cave and fall asleep comfortable and as safe as I ever would be. But friends did not sleep together even for comfort. And besides my mother would kill me.

But impulsively I leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. It didn't feel fake like that kiss when we had been trying to play up to the cameras. I was aware of the softness of his skin under my lips.

"Goodnight," I whispered.

I could see the question in his eyes. Was I real or once again acting for the cameras? I wanted to answer him. But I didn't know the truth myself. How could I answer something so confusing? How could I know what I didn't allow myself to know? A thousand words tumbled to my lips but were held back because they weren't really words. Just impressions and half-formed ideas.

"Goodnight, Katniss." He replied.

I went downstairs and crossed the lane to my own house. The light was on inside and my mother and Prim were rolling bandages with the TV on. It was such a peaceful scene and yet I felt a thousand miles away. I was held back by all that I had seen and witnessed and done. I wanted to revel in the normalcy of it all but I couldn't because it felt as far away as the movie they were watching on TV. As I stepped into the house I realized that I really hadn't left the Arena. Really never would leave it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter in this installment. I will be starting to post the sequel next week. The next part will be known as "Let the Rest Burn." It will be a retelling of Catching Fire though there will be some big changes occurring. I have actually written much of the Catching Fire portion and I can already tell it's gonna be longer than this story. And much of it is independent of the books.
> 
> I thought the Posy gets her dress scene was important because it shows how Katniss's family is being used to suit the Capitol agenda. The argument with Gale is pretty harsh and uncomfortable. Gale thinks Peeta is a player who just wants to be with Katniss because she is exotic and hot. But Katniss points out that many men in the Seam view white women as more attractive. So I tried to include some gender/sexuality/race issues there. The systemic oppression in Panem is very important to understand. Katniss really doesn't disprove of Madge she just is accusing Gale of being a bit hypocritical to judge her while dating a Merchant himself. And you do see that he truly likes Madge a lot. Katniss's family is kind of suspicious of Peeta because all they know of him is what he's like on TV. And the whole Star-Crossed Lovers thing was pretty hard to take. Plus it's Katniss's first boyfriend.
> 
> And then we meet Mommy Dearest. Otherwise known as Mrs. Mellark. I really was loosely inspired by someone like Lady Catherine DeBurgh in Pride and Prejudice combined with President Snow. Yeah, a strange combination. But I really like how majorly creepy she is. I think we all know where Peeta's skills in manipulation come from. She is intentionally trying to make Katniss doubt herself. She won't appear much longer but her influence is apparent in her son.
> 
> The final scene is cute and sweet. The painting may make an appearance later. I'm not sure. But I was probably inspired by a million fanfics where Katniss puts cream on Peeta's leg. As you can see both of them are really struggling with PTSD. I personally have a headcanon that Peeta has suffered from anxiety and depression for many years. I wouldn't be surprised if he's had suicidal thoughts before. I know I have due to a family not so unlike his own. (Minus the physical abuse.)
> 
> I'll see you guys next week for the sequel. I may post a sneak peek here over the weekend. Thanks for all the people who have commented and read this story. You're the best.


	18. Let the Rest Burn Sneak Peak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark returned from the 74th Hunger Games as Victors but all is not well. The Capitol is angry about their display of solidarity and them and their families are caught up in a wave of fear and violence. Once again she has to make the decision. Who does she save? What does she fight for?

I went to Peeta's room and tapped on the door. He opened it without a shirt obviously not expecting me. "I thought you were Haymitch."

"Can we talk?" I asked. I noticed he looked less angry and just plain tired.

"Sure, just let me put something on." I bit my lip unable to help noticing that he had gained back most of the strength he had lost in the arena. He looked muscular and strong which was rare in District 12. Even Gale who was usually tall didn't have much visible muscle. Having muscle was a sign of having enough to eat and very few people in District 12 had enough to eat. It reminded me that Peeta Mellark, for all of his kindness, was a formidable opponent. Fortunately, we were playing on the same team. At least we had been.

I led him back to the train car with the open windows. I surmised that with the speed of the train it would be impossible for the cameras to pick up our voices provided we whispered. They could see us, of course, but whispering in each other's ear would only look lover like.

"Why did you hide it from me? I know it's more than Haymitch. I know you don't love me but I thought we were friends. And friends share things especially when it could hurt people." His voice was softer and sounded hurt which was almost worse than when he was angry. I was good at dealing with anger. I generally got angry back. That's how Gale and I always fought. We would just say all kinds of mean things and then forget about it later. We never really took what each other said seriously.

"I don't know. I'm just not good making friends. And saying things to them. I'm so used to keeping things to myself." I whispered in his ear. I was practically sitting in his lap.

"I know. I know how strong and independent you are. But we aren't going to succeed if you don't trust me." Peeta replied. We were so close our faces were just an inch apart. The wind whipped my loosened hair around my face and I could barely hear him so I felt fairly secure the cameras couldn't pick up what we were saying.

"Do you think we can pull it off?" I wanted to bite my nails but the preps had painted my nails with a horrible tasting polish for that reason.

"I hope so. The problem is that I don't think it matters. Those people today didn't care why we did what we did."

The thought made my stomach clench with fear. Then a horrible thought occurred to me. So far Peeta had been reasonably safe because President Snow hadn't doubted his love for me. But he had implied that I had somehow convinced Peeta to join me in some sort of rebellious activity. The speech he gave could have easily been misconstrued as him stirring up the people to revolt. It would look as if we planned the whole thing together. To blatantly defy President Snow in the face of his warning made the case against me rise.

"What will they do to us?" I spoke softly.

"I don't know. That was the hardest district. The other ones should be easier, at least for you. If we can convince him that we didn't mean to start anything perhaps he won't hurt our families."

I thought of Prim and Rory who were both eligible for the Reaping. Vic and Posy were too young but there were plenty of other things to be done to them. President Snow had already threatened Gale knowing that he was far too rebellious and passionate for his own good. My mother and aunt were even in danger. Peeta's whole family was implicated. No one close to us was safe.

I heard a sound at the doorway but it was just the shifting of the train. A wave of exhaustion passed over me. I hadn't slept in what seemed like years. I yearned for the safety and security of the cave where I had slept in his arms. I didn't know if that was normal to feel for a friend but I didn't care. It gave me comfort from the terrible nightmares that never seemed to end.

"I guess we better go to bed. As Effie says, "It's going to be a big, big day.'" I yawned as I stood up.

"Goodnight, Katniss." He gave me a reassuring smile and I felt certain that things were ok between us again. It was a relief knowing that I didn't have to shoulder the burden of the Star-Crossed Lovers alone. I suddenly wanted to ask him to stay with me like we had been in the cave. I hated the idea of going back to my compartment alone and staring at the ceiling until morning came. Or waking up from a nightmare and trying to figure out if it was real. But I couldn't ask him to stay. Friends didn't sleep in the same bed like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be updating the new story on Thurs at least for the next few months. I will likely change my schedule after this Quarter ends. I hope you enjoy this sneak peak and I'll be back next week for Let the Rest Burn.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this follows pretty closely to the book. But there was a lot of important backstory to cover. Frankly, the Hunger Games portion won't differ wildly from the book since the changes I have made won't really start being significant until Catching Fire. But I will be using different motivations for the characters. I also won't be scene for scene following the book like I did for this chapter. I hope I captured Katniss well. Her relationship with Gale is a bit warmer and more natural than in canon simply because he is sort of her annoying older brother and there isn't any romantic element. Also, he is wanting to run off just like in canon but bringing their families with them. While a completely unrealistic plan it shows how desperate people are in District 12. You might notice the theme of freedom starts appearing here. That will be a major theme of the retelling.


End file.
